10 Helpful Tips For Bending The Masses to Your Will

#5: Hold the Whole World Hostage

Difficulty: 10 Effectiveness: 6 This is the most difficult entry on this list simply due to the problem of finding a credible way to actually threaten the world. Getting your hands on a nuclear weapon is the obvious choice, but given the tight security those are under, it might be more realistic to threaten the world with a man made plague, or an ancient dragon that only listens to you. Regardless of your chosen menace delivery vector, once you're ready, you'll need to contact the world (use the hashtag #HeedMeFools on Twitter) and issue your list of demands.

Perhaps if I just solder dozens of Komodo dragons together. There is no way that wouldn't be worth at least a shot.


#4: Petnapping

Difficulty: 1 Effectiveness: 7 This one's pretty straightforward to execute, and the only equipment you'll really need is a piece of meat and a box propped up with a stick. After seizing the beast, leave a note explaining what's up (immediate, permanent obedience) and what will also be up (animal soup) should their obedience be anything less than permanent. An Example: "I HAVE YOUR CAT. YOU WILL REPORT TO THE ARBY'S OFF MAIN STREET AT 7:30AM TOMORROW TO BEGIN CONSTRUCTION ON SUBTERRANEAN FORTRESS BENEATH ARBY'S OR THE CAT WILL BECOME BEEF N' CHED'S."

Every knee shall bow. In the direction of the Arby's off of Main Street.

#3: Arm Twisting

Difficulty: 2 Effectiveness: 2 By grabbing someone by the wrist and twisting it around behind their back, placing pressure on their elbow and shoulder joints, you'll find them agreeable to a great many things. This can also be supplemented with slaps and other physical blows, to further ensure compliance to your will. Obviously this is a short term plan only, and unless you're extremely strong (e.g. "I'll punch you so hard your whole family will die") you'll only be able to influence one person at a time. An Example: "Hey, hey, hey. Hey! How about you stop struggling? You think you can do your city clerking with only one arm? Yes, I guess management could work with you to modify your job duties. Especially if the union got involved. But... Ok... But... SHUT UP! Let's just go nicely into the back room and see if we can't find some blueprints."

#2: Gun hidden in a newspaper

Difficulty: 2 Effectiveness: 4 A classic from the silver screen, having a gun concealed in a newspaper, is a sure way to get someone to do what you want, provided you stay about 2-3 feet away from them at all times. Like the armtwisting technique above, this poses a problem if you need to bend several people to your will at once. If you do need to influence multiple people at once, you're going to have to pull a kind of Reservoir Dogs scheme, where you demand your target keep a gun hidden in a newspaper on another person, who keeps a gun on another person and so on, until there's a whole chain of people stiffly holding newspapers, playing the deadliest game of "telephone" ever. An Example: "Hey do you know who won the game last night? Oh look, I've got the sports page right here. It was 'I'm Going To Shoot You in the Fucking Kidney over the Lakers, 94-88.' Now give me the access code. Yes to the penthouse. Yes, his penthouse."

"Now unzip your pants."

#1: Hypnosis

Difficulty: 9 Effectiveness: 10 Here's where we get to the good stuff. Using the three classic hypnotism techniques: suggestion, brainwashing, and microscopic robots, you will plant ideas in people's brains so convincing, that they'll think they're their own. The conventional way to do this is in front of an audience of seniors while wearing a kind of bad haircut, but if you want a more classic approach, try practicing your craft while traveling from town to town in a covered wagon.

If this wagon's a-rockin, vile plots are a-foot.

Health & Safety Warning: Be very careful with these techniques in the bathroom, as a number of apprentice hypnotists have accidentally suggested obeying themselves to themselves in the mirror, and gotten agreeably stuck there for days.

An Example: "Look into my eyes. Look deep into my eyes. You are my iron fist. You are my will. You are the sharpest tool in my shed. Here, beneath this Arby's you will learn the skills you need to enact the final phase of my plan: breaking into Christian Bale's apartment and stealing a lock of his hair." "Because then, and only then, will all be right in the world." _______________

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