Who is the worst musician or band of all time? It's a question just about any music fan is willing to weigh in on, most likely with each one giving you a different answer. That's what makes putting together a list of the worst bands ever so difficult. Music is a subjective thing. The bands I think are terrible, other people might love. Granted, those people are wrong, but still, we're all entitled to our opinions.
That's one of the challenges I was faced with when I decided to write this column. Coming up with the means to generate a truly objective list of the worst bands ever escaped me at first. Granted, objectivity has never been my bag, but it seemed like an interesting twist to throw in this time around, and I eventually settled on a way to make it happen. Instead of wracking my brain over it, I just let the Internet do the work for me.
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I did take pictures, though.
With a quick Googling of the phrase "worst bands of all time," I was presented with an array of list-based articles from which to choose. I compiled the choices from the first five I found (excluding the Cracked article, because the only opinion I support around here is my own) and used the results to make this list. These names represent some of the worst music ever made, not according to me, but according to everyone. Please keep that in mind when a band you love inevitably shows up on the list.
Anyway, with that all in place, it was my job to do the impossible -- scour through each terrible band's terrible songs in search of the "best" one. I listened to a lot of bad music to bring you this list. I sincerely hope you appreciate it. When all was said and done, the article ended up being so huge that I decided to break it into two parts, lest everyone fall asleep midway through reading it.
Here are the 10 best songs by the worst musicians of all time (part one).
10Paris Hilton -- "Stars Are Blind"
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Oh, hey, look at that -- Paris Hilton on a list of the worst bands ever. Way to go after the high hanging fruit, readers of Ranker.com. Not since the citizens of Egypt rose up in opposition to their own government have I seen a group of people collectively take such a bold stance.
That said, I'm happy to see her name on the list, because I always kind of secretly liked that one single she released a few years ago, and I relish every opportunity I have to give it a listen.
That's the one! It sort of sounds like "The Tide Is High" by Blondie.
Did I just compare the music of Paris Hilton to the music of Blondie? Sure I did. Please express your outrage in the comment section and then refresh the page constantly in anticipation of my witty retort. It's good for business.
9Phish -- "Stash"
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Speaking of picks that will make people angry, when the Phish fan base finally wakes up sometime around 3 o'clock this afternoon and sees their favorite jam band on this list, I expect there will be a healthy amount of outrage. If it makes any of you feel better, unlike most of the other bands present here, Phish didn't show up on a list compiled by the general public, but instead on this hipsterific LA Weekly list, which also includes absurd picks like the Raconteurs and the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
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"We'd like to talk to you about our lord and savior, the state of California."
OK, fine, I guess I can get behind the RHCP pick as well, but you'll never convince me that the band responsible for this song deserves to be on the list:
What I'm saying is, I understand your outrage, Phish fans, because when I look at these lists, sometimes I feel it, too. Of course, my outrage is justified and yours is LSD-induced absurdity, but I still get it.
In the name of making sure your Phish fandom is properly represented here, rather than listening to any actual Phish songs myself, I put this pick in the hands of Internet search results, just as I did with the entire list. What I found is that apparently Phish fans really like this song:
Unfortunately, seeing as how the video is nearly 14 minutes long, most of us (myself included) will never know if "Stash" is actually worth listening to or not. Don't bore us; get to the chorus, Phish.