Who is the worst musician or band of all time? It's a question just about any music fan is willing to weigh in on, most likely with each one giving you a different answer. That's what makes putting together a list of the worst bands ever so difficult. Music is a subjective thing. The bands I think are terrible, other people might love. Granted, those people are wrong, but still, we're all entitled to our opinions.
That's one of the challenges I was faced with when I decided to write this column. Coming up with the means to generate a truly objective list of the worst bands ever escaped me at first. Granted, objectivity has never been my bag, but it seemed like an interesting twist to throw in this time around, and I eventually settled on a way to make it happen. Instead of wracking my brain over it, I just let the Internet do the work for me.
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I did take pictures, though.
With a quick Googling of the phrase "worst bands of all time," I was presented with an array of list-based articles from which to choose. I compiled the choices from the first five I found (excluding the Cracked article, because the only opinion I support around here is my own) and used the results to make this list. These names represent some of the worst music ever made, not according to me, but according to everyone. Please keep that in mind when a band you love inevitably shows up on the list.
Anyway, with that all in place, it was my job to do the impossible -- scour through each terrible band's terrible songs in search of the "best" one. I listened to a lot of bad music to bring you this list. I sincerely hope you appreciate it. When all was said and done, the article ended up being so huge that I decided to break it into two parts, lest everyone fall asleep midway through reading it.
Here are the 10 best songs by the worst musicians of all time (part one).
#10. Paris Hilton -- "Stars Are Blind"
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Oh, hey, look at that -- Paris Hilton on a list of the worst bands ever. Way to go after the high hanging fruit, readers of Ranker.com. Not since the citizens of Egypt rose up in opposition to their own government have I seen a group of people collectively take such a bold stance.
That said, I'm happy to see her name on the list, because I always kind of secretly liked that one single she released a few years ago, and I relish every opportunity I have to give it a listen.
That's the one! It sort of sounds like "The Tide Is High" by Blondie.
Did I just compare the music of Paris Hilton to the music of Blondie? Sure I did. Please express your outrage in the comment section and then refresh the page constantly in anticipation of my witty retort. It's good for business.
#9. Phish -- "Stash"
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Speaking of picks that will make people angry, when the Phish fan base finally wakes up sometime around 3 o'clock this afternoon and sees their favorite jam band on this list, I expect there will be a healthy amount of outrage. If it makes any of you feel better, unlike most of the other bands present here, Phish didn't show up on a list compiled by the general public, but instead on this hipsterific LA Weekly list, which also includes absurd picks like the Raconteurs and the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
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"We'd like to talk to you about our lord and savior, the state of California."
OK, fine, I guess I can get behind the RHCP pick as well, but you'll never convince me that the band responsible for this song deserves to be on the list:
What I'm saying is, I understand your outrage, Phish fans, because when I look at these lists, sometimes I feel it, too. Of course, my outrage is justified and yours is LSD-induced absurdity, but I still get it.
In the name of making sure your Phish fandom is properly represented here, rather than listening to any actual Phish songs myself, I put this pick in the hands of Internet search results, just as I did with the entire list. What I found is that apparently Phish fans really like this song:
Unfortunately, seeing as how the video is nearly 14 minutes long, most of us (myself included) will never know if "Stash" is actually worth listening to or not. Don't bore us; get to the chorus, Phish.
#8. Girls' Generation -- "Into the New World"
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Checking in at #18 and here to shatter the stereotype that all Asian people look alike, ladies and gentlemen, meet Girls' Generation. This is another courageous entry from the readers of Ranker.com, a site that must get a shit-ton of traffic from South Korea. That's where this group hails from, a fact I obviously had to look up on Wikipedia, where I also learned that their massive popularity in that country has earned them the title of "The Nation's Girl Group," a crown that's still worn by '90s R&B sensation SWV in this country, if you ask me.
None of you did, though, so let's keep talking about Girls' Generation. While I will admit to being curious as to why programming a South Korean pop song requires a nine-woman IT department, the curiosity isn't enough to make me want to actually listen to their music. So to determine their best song, I turned to one of the most trusted resources available online, Yahoo Answers. Here's what they came up with.
The person who picked this song praised it for "how it's not computerized or anything," which makes me wonder just how fucking robotic the rest of this group's catalog must be, because "Into the New World" sounds like it was built around someone pressing the "pop" button on a 1980s Casio keyboard.
Nevertheless, I'm sure it would still make the cut as my favorite Girls' Generation song just on the strength of the broken English ...
... and horror movie creepiness ...
... that happens within the first 30 seconds of the otherwise standard music video.
#7. Ke$ha -- "Die Young"
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Ha! Because "die young" is what we all hope Ke$ha will do, am I right?
No, that's not right. In fact, it's a horrible thing to say, not to mention the most obvious joke imaginable. I'm better than that; you should be as well.
Anyway, you know what's wrong with Ke$ha? Nothing. You can't really hassle her about just being a pretty face who sings over music produced and written by other people. For one thing, she plays an assault-rifle-shaped guitar on stage, which isn't something you see from the Nicki Minajs of the world or whatever.
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I can't tell if this is a costume or not.
So that's pretty neat. Beyond that, not only does she write a lot of her own songs, she writes them for other people as well, like this Britney Spears single from a few years ago.
I bet I changed so many minds about Ke$ha just now. Or maybe not. How about this?
That's a collaboration between Ke$ha and the Flaming Lips, and that's exactly what it sounds like. Does her recording with an indie rock icon like Wayne Coyne during a studio session that resulted in Twitter pictures like this ...
Ke$ha? On drugs? No way.
... somehow make you feel better about Ke$ha's talent as a musician? If so, get a life -- that song is terrible. You should trust me more. This is Ke$ha's best song:
That's mostly because it's the first Ke$ha song that came to mind when I put some thought into it. That's all the argument I need, really.
#6. Bon Jovi -- "Livin' on a Prayer" (Live Acoustic Version)
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Much like the Phish entry from earlier, Bon Jovi did not make this list on the strength of a readers' poll, as was the case with most of the other bands present here. Instead, this pick comes as the result of one random blog's opinion. The thing is, I agree with that opinion, so here we are.
Picking the "best" Bon Jovi song is not easy for me, because Bon Jovi is potentially my least favorite band of all time, and that was even before I found out that they treat their bass player like a second-class citizen.
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It's not his fault he's in such a shitty band.
So in the spirit of all that, I guess my favorite Bon Jovi song is this one:
That's Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora playing an acoustic version of "Livin' on a Prayer" at the MTV Video Music Awards back in the day. I choose it for one reason -- there are only two people on stage in that video, and "the less Bon Jovi the better" is a rule I abide by with the fervor of a religious person.