Everyone has a personal cause to champion. Equal rights, preventing animal abuse ... I think that's all of the causes. Except for mine: finding under-viewed videos hiding in the loneliest corners of YouTube and getting them the audience that they deserve. I've committed a large part of my career to finding these works of unappreciated comedy mastery so that you don't have to. And by "finding these things," I mean "reading a thread on our forums filled with freaks just like us who love the art of stupid comedy." And if the following list isn't enough for you, don't worry your pretty little head about it none ... I got you covered, Flufferbutt. I've done this a few times:
#10. Finding Nemo: Fish Tank Surprise
This video by user Murdoc has been around for two and a half years, and it still doesn't have the appropriate number of views, which would be "everybody who is currently alive or ever will be alive." If you don't want the surprise ruined, stop reading right here, because I'm about to talk about that shit.
It's a 17-second video that starts on a fish tank, similar to the one in the dentist's office in the movie Finding Nemo. Soft, Disney-esque music plays as the camera slowly pulls back to show the ironic beauty of these gorgeous tropical fish being held in captiv- DILDO! It flies into frame completely out of the blue and perfectly suction cups itself to the side of the tank, softly flopping around in large, rubbery circles.
At first, I thought this was an actual scene from the movie, just played on someone's TV. But no, upon further inspection -- I've watched it several dozen times -- the fish actually jerk back in surprise when it hits the glass. And now I can't stop laughing, imagining our own reactions if an enormous galactic fuck-rod slapped itself against our atmosphere and flopped around, stretching far into the outer reaches of our solar system. In fact, I'm pretty sure that will be the form that one of the Four Horsemen takes when the spiritual realms finally have enough of our shit.
#9. Cats Are Dicks
This video was made by HelixSnake, and the program that he used to create it is, I don't give a shit. All I care about is watching that cat casually walk down the street, totally carefree and unassuming, as cats are wont to do. Then when it sees a group of people standing on the corner, it breaks into a full sprint because cats don't waste opportunities to headbutt humans 30 feet through the air and into oncoming traffic.
Both the man and the cat flop to the ground in ragdoll fashion ... and I just realized how many of my favorite videos contain flopping. Then the cat kicks into full dick mode and ragdoll-flops its way through town, while people frantically and futilely try to run away. One by one, it launches people hundreds of feet through the air as they scream in terror or angrily call it a "fucking asshole."
As the scene progresses, the destruction ramps up with the cat headbutting cars into the air and flinging semis over the horizon, where they slam into buildings and explode. The video is less than a minute and a half, but I swear to you that if it was 24 hours long, I wouldn't be sleeping tonight. I'd be giggling until I lost my voice, and then I'd switch to laughing in sign language.
#8. Out-Of-Context Clips
I can't really give full credit to the people who uploaded these videos because they obviously didn't create them. But I sure as hell can thank them for finding the exact perfect handful of seconds that transforms a movie or TV show from a normal piece of entertainment into a surreal blast of pure comedy.
Like when HooXor uploaded the 32-second video above, from one of the 5 trillion ninja movies from the 1980s. That half-minute perfectly encapsulates what ninja movies were to us back then. An unassuming businessman is casually walking to work (I assume he's running a Pac-Man T-shirt factory) ... when out of the blue, a bright red ninja peeks from behind a tree. Because fire-engine red is the perfect camouflage to conceal oneself in the middle of the day. Startled, the man screams, "NINJA!" in the same way you'd warn one of your friends that there's a wasp flying around his head. Then the ninja does what ninjas do: He whips a throwing star into the guy's back, then flips his way over to the man and elbows him with a sharp punching sound effect ... then disappears into the void, leaving us all scratching our heads and thinking, "What the ninjaless fuck did I just see?"
Then there's this clip, uploaded by tvmastermandude, who found the exact six seconds that perfectly sum up the show Chopped ... or, really, any reality cooking show in the U.S.:
The ridiculously ominous music that looms in the background, reminding us how desperately important and dramatic cooking is. The look of horror on that douchefuck judge's face when he gasps, "Auuuhhh! The wontons!" like he just watched her flip her totally sweet Camaro. These are the reactions and setup normally reserved for live stunt performances, where dudes ramp motorcycles across rooftops. Only, in this case, the cooking equivalent is wontons.
Or if political speeches are more your thing, Richard S. Dargan found the greatest eight seconds of a George W. Bush speech:
There's nothing really special about what he's saying -- he's just talking about a trip to Africa, where he went to a park in Botswana -- it's how he says it. For some reason, when he gets to that phrase "a park in Botswana," he leans forward and stresses it so hard, it comes across in the same way a teacher yells the last part of her sentence at a student who won't shut the fuck up during the lesson. Theoretically, there is nothing funny about that at all. But that doesn't change the fact that I've seen that clip 10 times, and I have laughed on every one of them.
I think it's because I always picture the clip continuing and him finishing that phrase off with a slight pause and then angrily saying someone's name. "... a PARK IN BOTSWANA ... Chad. I'm sorry, is my story interrupting your conversation? Are you not interested in tales that originate from deep within the heart of a Botswanian park? Perhaps you'd like to come up here and entertain these nice folks with your own Botswana park stories. Oh, you don't have one? That's what I thought. May I continue?"
#7. Dragon Age: Inquisition: Awkward Silence
Show me a good, stupid video game glitch, and I will laugh every time. But this one truly is something special. It's so good, it actually has me questioning if the game developers put it in there on purpose. If not, it is the luckiest accidental joke I've ever seen.
The two men in the game are exchanging douchey insults that boil down to, "You're boring." "No, you're boring!" The magic shows up 13 seconds in, when the main character retorts, "There are things worse than silence." And then the game hangs on his blank expression for the remaining 41 seconds of the video.
The conversation just stops. And, after a while, his dead-eyed gaze begins to feel like aggression. As if he's quietly daring the other man to break the silence. For the characters in that universe, it's a lesson in philosophy through demonstration. For us as players, it's a clinic in irony. I'm not actually sure whether I'd prefer this to be a glitch or purposely written ... because if that scene is in the game by design, then the writers deserve to be world famous. But if it's not -- if it truly is a glitch -- then it may very well be definitive proof of supernatural forces at work.
#6. Umbrellas Attack En Masse
This is another short one, at six seconds, but I will always have crazy respect for anyone with the self-control to make a video only exactly as long as it needs to be. This is definitely one of those.
It starts off with a lone umbrella caught in the wind, blowing across the beach. A man runs up to it and chucks his own folded umbrella at it. I understand that he's just trying to get some weight put on it so it stops flopping down the beach, but the way he throws it looks exactly like the umbrella is attacking him like a wild animal and he's using his own as a spear. Because the second that spear misses, he turns to run, as if to say, "Oh shit, I just pissed it off!"
It then abruptly cuts to a rolling stampede of wild umbrellas, flopping their way across the beach and crushing anyone unlucky enough to stand in their path. If a sun visor had fallen into their herd, it would be a re-creation of the death scene from The Lion King, except all the animals are replaced with implements of sun protection.