#5. Get Your Zac EFF On!
All the 20-somethings love to get their Zac EFF on, if you know what I mean. (Eff? Y'know, like "F"? Like short for that "F" word? Yeah, getting that on.) "But how?" you ask. You've gotten your "F" on, but how do you get your Zac EFF on? Good question.
Getting your Zac EFF on is just like all the sex you normally have, except you do it to terrible music and only take time out from singing to bump lines of coke.
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"Not cool, man."
#4. Gettin' the Ol' Tim Cook
For those of you who don't know, Tim Cook is Apple's new CEO, having replaced Steve Jobs (who succumbed to nature's built-in obsolescence last year). Tim Cook, I'm sure, is a fine, accomplished man, but if you're "gettin' the ol' Tim Cook," you're mostly likely having sex with someone who's thinking of someone else and sleeping with you in a failed attempt to ease the loss of their one true love.
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Tim Cook 2.0 coming next month.
#3. The Christina Hendricks
When I was trying to come up with what this act could possibly be, I realized that somewhere there must be a large-breasted dominatrix in a red wig who goes by the handle "Christina Bend-Dicks."
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"Let's pretend I have red hair for the sake of this joke. Thanks."
I don't have a joke about Christina Hendricks. Frankly, I'm disgusted by your expectation for cheap laughter at the expense of this national treasure who I admire first and foremost as a talented actress. You really should see the fine work she's done in Mad Men and Drive. And you should also tell her I said so after forwarding her this article and explaining that I respect her body, mind, soul. Of course, her beauty and sex appeal are not in question, but once you convince her to follow me on Twitter and DM me about a good time to get together in a sophisticated New York City wine bar, she and I can discuss all her talents, dreams, and boobs. DAMMIT!
#2. Martin "Score"-Says-He
This one's named after the famed director of Raging Bull, Goodfellas, and Gangs of New York and is really popular with both lovers of great cinema and stupid d-bags in wifebeater T-shirts who like to repeat Joe Pesci dialogue when they're drunk in bars.
This move starts with stark, gritty foreplay, unflinchingly arousing the basest instincts of your partner with a fearless, almost violent intensity. As the act progresses, add increasing amounts of style and grace to your lovemaking. The juxtaposition of the gritty realism (of your boning) coupled with nuanced artistry (of your boning) will take your partner to the heights of orgasmic delight. Afterward, hang around for another 10 years engaging in artsy mutual masturbation with Leonardo DiCaprio.
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Oh, right. Also, when it's over, say "score" so this terrible pun works.
#1. Benedict in the Cumberbatch
You might know Benedict Cumberbatch from the BBC's wonderful Sherlock or as young Khan in Star Trek Into Darkness or as Julian Assange in The Fifth Estate. He is a very talented actor with a very silly name. Also, he looks like a cricket.
But apparently there is no shortage of ladies into cricket humping, because women love them some Cumberbatch. This Brit is serving up veritable batches of ... oh God, what's become of me? I have an honors degree in English. You know that, right? Just yesterday I was writing a thesis that argued that Hemingway's posthumously published A Moveable Feast was actually written a good 30 years earlier and now I'm literally making dick jokes about some actor's name. This is so depressing. Don't look at me.
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