10 Baffling Romance Tips from the Sociopaths at Fox News

I'm not a psychologist, but why would you sit alone, desperately hoping for your husband to return with stories of secondhand hugs? Does your town not have bridges high enough to jump from or something?

The thesis of this woman's article was that she wanted to help readers cultivate a more exciting love life. She did this by suggesting that you laugh at your boyfriend while he takes a crap, give him tainted water and fill his shoes with garbage. Now he's wallowing on the ground, scratching for a quarter? I think Amber Milt might have the word "dating" confused with "homeless."

Say for a minute this outrageous prank works -- you're perched in place for hours, maybe days, to catch your boyfriend during those perfect two seconds where he sees a quarter, bends down to pick it up and realizes the wearisome dustbag grinning at him has glued it to the floor. He might even pretend to chuckle, since faking happiness is faster than fixing you, you humorless cow. But what then? After that half-hearted laugh, you now have a boyfriend who hates you more and a quarter stuck to the floor. Do you retile the entire kitchen in coin or just leave the one quarter there? I think you're really lowering the value of your home, especially since Realtors have to disclose it when a property's previous owner was a stupid bitch.

Maybe you should let your boyfriend pull this prank off, funny girl. If there's anyone who's figured out how punch a hole through unorificed fruit skin with a limp gummy shape, it's the men fucking you.

While I'm on the subject of Amber Milt's tragic shittiness, I Googled "poking a gummy worm into an apple." To me, the entire idea seemed to violate physics as we know them. I found this article: "7 Kid Pranks to Play on Random Victims." It has the exact same prank, and as you can imagine, the trick is to cut a hole in the apple first. That seems like a weird step to leave out from the woman who earlier gave us the tip on how it's easier to read objects when they exist in our field of vision.

Funny enough, the article that Amber also clearly Googled included other fun pranks like GLUING A COIN TO THE FLOOR, PUTTING TAPE OVER APPLIANCES TO RENDER THEM USELESS and DROPPING FOOD COLORING INTO DRINKS. So let me make this as clear as I can:

FoxNews.com's style and beauty editor Amber Milt found an article for children, stole it, and presented it to Fox News readers as erotic material.

This batfaced snatch thinks ethics are the pustules that form on her skin when blessed weapons strike her. Amber Milt is a leech attached to the swampiest armpit of our culture. She and Fox News are such a drain on society that when they're done murdering and eating their victims, the children they leave behind don't even bother becoming Batmen.

And let me guess -- when he kisses you, your mouth is full of bees, and that thread was actually from the ancient raiments from Titlacauan's flesh cloak? How has Amber Milt survived this long without a witch hunter imprisoning her inside a ring of salt and drowning her in a sack? Am I the only one worried that the Aztec god of bad comedy walks among us in human form and writes makeup tips for FoxNews.com? This monster can't even go to the dentist without someone asking her why there are Dora the Explorer underpants caught in her second row of teeth.

What an unspeakable pest. Every time Amber Milt menstruates, the world gets four gallons of dog blood more evil.

Seanbaby is a treasured Internet joke scientist. He is the celebrity spokes-timecop for Gamegoon.com and you can follow him on Twitter.

For more of his thoughts on bad comedy, see 6 Family Circus Cartoons Improved With Dick Jokes or 4 'Geek Humor' Books by Authors Who Understood Neither or 5 Comics from When Sexual Assault Was Considered Hilarious.

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