15 Cool Things to Do With Your Helicopter
This weekend it was reported that Prince William landed a helicopter outside his girlfriends house in rural England, during a training exercise. Military spokespersons have confirmed that this was all part of an authorized training mission, the British military evidently placing great stock in how well their fighting men are capable of fucking up their father in law's lawns. The press has been less charitable however, a notable example being the Sun with their headline "WILLIAM GAILY DANGLES BOLLOCKS OVER ENGLAND ON HELICOPTER JAUNT." All of this comes on the tail of reports that William took another helicopter trip to a stag party with his brother Harry in recent weeks. Military spokespersons have been unable to confirm the nature of that particular military venture, other than to suggest that it might have had something to do with naked vaginas.
All this raises an important question, "Why the fuck don't I have a helicopter?" Seriously, what kind of loser goes to his girlfriends house and peeler bars in a Mazda Protege? I'll tell you who: It's me. (but never on the same night sweetie.) Oh sure, there's probably several good reasons that I don't have a helicopter. I have no money, for one. And I can't get one via the military, because apparently I'm too "doughy" for those perfectionists. Perhaps most importantly, my dad isn't going to be King one day - a fact which causes me unimaginable shame, and makes every Father's Day around our house feel like a hollow sham.
Anyways, the result of all this aimless rambling is that if I want to go on any incredible adventures like Prince William, I'm forced to use my "imagination," which is kind of like a helicopter for poor kids. So here's a big list of things I'd do if I had a helicopter:
Get some 20" wheels on it, and maybe a discrete spoiler.
Also, get a waterbed in there.
Help old people get cats out of trees.
Put old people's cats in trees.
Put old people in trees.
Get around highway tolls.
Watch sporting events for free.
Harass nudists.
Paint it black and fly around Idaho, scaring the hell out of those anti-UN nuts.
Shout patronizing advice at mountain climbers.
Toilet paper some hot air balloonists.
Attack France.
Pop by the airport whenever I need a handle of Duty Free gin.
Fly to the moon.
Pee on people from a great height.
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So that's my list. What would you do if you got a helicopter? Like if Santa Claus made a horrible mistake one year?
I would breed it with a Zepplin, making an awesome chopper-balloon hybrid. And then maybe make that breed with the space shuttle. Yeah... Balloon-Chopper Space-Craft.
ReplyI'd do a few experiments involving ropes, chickens, potato salad, a goat, 12 feet of silly string, a smart republican, a knight, a pack of foam darts, three jars of mayonnaise, and a dinosaur... Most of that's on back order, but if anyone knows where I can get the republican, I'd love to know.
ReplyI would doll it up like a news helicopter, add a chaingun, then fly around seeing if there's anybody called Jack Slate in need of assistance.
ReplyYou, sir, are a gentleman and a scholar.
Attach an industrial grade winch, like in Mercenaries 2, then fly around winching cars and throwing them like acorns.
ReplyI would fly to MARS
ReplyOh mister Bucholz, you are such an under appreciated cracked writer. Seriously man, you are so amazingly sexy and funny, but mostly the funny bit. best thing i've read all day. period!
Replysquishy rock occupied port-a-potties at festivals i don't overly much care for.
Replyseriously seen it done.
gently lower one bell205 skid on top of one occupied port-a-pottie
(though i would seriously prefer a kamov - but hey i can barely pay for my notebook and bar tab)
giggle stick
laugh
watch other ppl laugh
lay off
wait for occupant to exit and take pleasure in their obvious distressed confusion
I'd drop a shit-ton of pamphlets of PETA (People for the Eating of Tasty Animals).
ReplyChief Fronk trolls 4chan...
ReplyI would get a shower in it sumhow so i could live in it.
ReplyMow down a bunch of zombies like in " 28 Weeks Later".
Reply1) Do a barrel roll
Reply2) Fly really low over a highway and get stuck in traffic just to annoy poeple
3) Put hydrolics and spinners on it, bling bling imo
4) Blindfold my enemies and fly really high then back down to about 10 feet off the ground then throw them out to make them pee themselves
5) Use it to pick up Diabeetus testing supplies from Liberty Mutual
6) ????
7) PROFIT!
We have a winrar.
helicopters do have hydraulics. Duh.
i would fly pantless over vietnam blasting "ride of the valkyries".
Replyuse it to earn money, because I am broke.
Reply@ Haruhi
ReplyIf you were the royal prince of whatever european island AND a military pilot what would YOU do with your helicopter? drive a SMART???
I'd drop shoes on bush
ReplyHit the twin towers! That'll show those cocky American's who's boss! This is the perfect pl...oh, damn!
ReplyPee on the Statue of Liberty.
ReplyWizz on George Bush.
ReplyFill it with Ice Cream and crash it into a playground. During the kids' recess. And I'd land on the principal. Revenge for childhood: 1. School Administrators: 0.
Reply