This weekend it was reported that Prince William landed a helicopter outside his girlfriends house in rural England, during a training exercise. Military spokespersons have confirmed that this was all part of an authorized training mission, the British military evidently placing great stock in how well their fighting men are capable of fucking up their father in law’s lawns. The press has been less charitable however, a notable example being the Sun with their headline “WILLIAM GAILY DANGLES BOLLOCKS OVER ENGLAND ON HELICOPTER JAUNT.” All of this comes on the tail of reports that William took another helicopter trip to a stag party with his brother Harry in recent weeks. Military spokespersons have been unable to confirm the nature of that particular military venture, other than to suggest that it might have had something to do with naked vaginas.
All this raises an important question, “Why the fuck don’t I have a helicopter?” Seriously, what kind of loser goes to his girlfriends house and peeler bars in a Mazda Protege? I’ll tell you who: It’s me. (but never on the same night sweetie.) Oh sure, there’s probably several good reasons that I don’t have a helicopter. I have no money, for one. And I can’t get one via the military, because apparently I’m too “doughy” for those perfectionists. Perhaps most importantly, my dad isn’t going to be King one day - a fact which causes me unimaginable shame, and makes every Father’s Day around our house feel like a hollow sham.
Anyways, the result of all this aimless rambling is that if I want to go on any incredible adventures like Prince William, I’m forced to use my “imagination,” which is kind of like a helicopter for poor kids. So here’s a big list of things I’d do if I had a helicopter:
Get some 20″ wheels on it, and maybe a discrete spoiler.
Also, get a waterbed in there.
Help old people get cats out of trees.
Put old people’s cats in trees.
Put old people in trees.
Get around highway tolls.
Watch sporting events for free.
Harass nudists.
Paint it black and fly around Idaho, scaring the hell out of those anti-UN nuts.
Shout patronizing advice at mountain climbers.
Toilet paper some hot air balloonists.
Attack France.
Pop by the airport whenever I need a handle of Duty Free gin.
Fly to the moon.
Pee on people from a great height.
__
So that’s my list. What would you do if you got a helicopter? Like if Santa Claus made a horrible mistake one year?
Last 5 posts by Chris Bucholz
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- The 20 Stupidest GI Joe Vehicles Ever - November 25th, 2008
- How To Train An Army of Animals To Do Your Bidding - November 18th, 2008
- Everything I need to know I learned from He-Man - November 11th, 2008
- Campaign 2008: The Year in Pictures - November 4th, 2008
October 2nd, 2008 at 7:05 pm
Hit the twin towers! That’ll show those cocky American’s who’s boss! This is the perfect pl…oh, damn!
October 2nd, 2008 at 7:03 pm
Pee on the Statue of Liberty.
October 2nd, 2008 at 7:02 pm
Wizz on George Bush.
October 2nd, 2008 at 6:59 pm
Fill it with Ice Cream and crash it into a playground. During the kids’ recess. And I’d land on the principal. Revenge for childhood: 1. School Administrators: 0.
October 2nd, 2008 at 6:55 pm
Land on the President’s personal airplane and scare the pants off National Security.
October 2nd, 2008 at 6:49 pm
Drop pennies on people while flying over Chicago.
August 28th, 2008 at 10:01 am
I would fly over fat camps and drop cheeseburgers. And then I would laugh.
July 3rd, 2008 at 5:01 pm
If I had a helicopter, I’d
1. pick up chicks in it.
2. Perform the Whisper in The Wind finisher move on my assailants from it
3. Rescue JR from Smackdown!
May 29th, 2008 at 5:47 am
if i had a helicopter, i would stop hannahmontana! she must DIE!
also, i would go skydiving, right on to my soon-2-be x-girlfriend’s house and tell her we should see other people. by which i mean
MY
F***ING
HELICOPTER
May 13th, 2008 at 10:55 pm
I’d fly over my parents’ house in the middle of the night blasting some sweet hard rock, breaking all the noise bylaws in the country.
I’d re-enact the chase scene from the James Bond ‘Tomorrow Never Dies’ (I think), using downtown Hamilton as a substitute for China. The place could use some “urban renewal”.
I’d also go to Toronto in the middle of (a different) night, when nobody would be in it, and crash it into the CN Tower. (After ejecting; I’m crazy, not suicidal!) Honestly, that’s the fugliest phallic-compensation building in Canada, and the skyline would be better without it.
May 12th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
—-make the cestle run in less then 11 parsecs.
April 27th, 2008 at 10:23 pm
（If You Are Easily Offended…..Then do not CLICK THERE!）
You may check out more sportsmen and celebrities’ profiles with hot photos on the famous and largest dating site ~~~Tallhub.c om ~~~, where many tall models, tall sportsmen and tall admirers flirting.
April 25th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
Dark, if you’re referencing WKRP in Cincinnati, I will be ever so highly amused.
April 25th, 2008 at 7:43 am
Having Insane Fun with your NEW HELICOPTER!
Step 1: Install a massive cannon of some sort.
Step 2: Proceed to steal the ammo for said cannon.
Step 3: Paint your face, the flag of your new country, and your campaign promises.
Step 4: Buy gas. Lots of freakin’ gas. That or just steal it. Works either way.
Step 5: Take over a very tiny island with a squad of mercenaries.
Step 6: Move family to island.
Step 7: Wait quietly until your dictatorship is overthrown.
April 25th, 2008 at 7:40 am
There may just be room enough for two simian monarchs here at Cracked, my friend. Well played, well played indeed.
April 24th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
I would engage the Channel 8 Action News copter in a dogfight. After knocking it to earth in a broken heap of metal, I would ransom Hal the traffic guy for all the Channel 8 tote bags and umbrellas I can carry. And the weather girls phone number
April 24th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
I would probably crash it almost immediately because I am not a trained pilot.
Then I would be arrested for not registering my flight plan with the FAA, but something tells me “directly into my daughter’s bedroom during her Scout Sleepover” doesn’t exactly qualify as “Intended Destination.”
April 24th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
I’d play Virtual Battlespace 2… IN REAL LIFE.
(VBS2 is a military simulator. It has Chinooks.)
April 24th, 2008 at 10:22 am
I would…
Hang a large anti-scientology banner from their strange and uninviting Florida retreat.
1) Pick up a Walter impersonator and make “everything about ‘Nam” come true.
2) Help said impersonator “get me a toe” by 3 PM.
3) Hang off the pylons and club baby seals while laughing hysterically.
4) Remove the rear blade and spin like a mad man on a merry-go-round.
5) Puke after the above causes me uncontrollable nausea.
6) Be unhappy with my life because I destroyed a perfectly good helicopter with a crazy stunt like that.
7) “Run away!”
9) Reenact Air Wolf, Magnum P.I., and the A-Team all in one one day.
10) And finally blow dry the supermodels on location for the SI swimsuit edition.
April 24th, 2008 at 9:55 am
Nadine, highway trolls are assholes who drive recklessly, with the only intent of causing road rage. They are a real world cersion of internet trolls.
April 24th, 2008 at 9:41 am
I would fly around L.A. and film vehicles fleeing from the police, sometimes crashing, or sometimes the cops would “collar the perp” by throwing him to the ground to “cuff & stuff” them. I would do that because I’m sure it’s never been done, and maybe I could use the footage to start a TV (’tele” for you limeys) show called “World’s Most Shocking and Outrageous Police Chases Shot From a Helicopter That Simon is Porking Jessica Alba In.” Then I would watch reruns of “BJ and The Bear.”
April 24th, 2008 at 8:47 am
The co-pilot would be dead hooker because me hit it with big fucking shovel to brain after me am enjoy it
April 24th, 2008 at 5:12 am
I would wonder what in the hell I drank last night that resulted in me waking up inside of a helicopter. Strange beds, cars and barns I can handle but I am not down with any blackout that results in me awakening inside of a cockpit that I am completely unfamiliar with.
I would also wonder why the co-pilot was a dead hooker.
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:10 pm
Are you all serious? Do you even KNOW how easy it is to kill people from helicopters?
I would steal my guns from…
April 23rd, 2008 at 7:30 pm
I would rain hotdogs down on PETA members, yuppies, and vagitarians.
no, i didnt misspell that
April 23rd, 2008 at 5:37 pm
Hey, throwing shovels at people isn’t such a bad idea.
April 23rd, 2008 at 3:30 pm
The one thing I would do with a helicopter is proceed to paint my face on it and then play the most metal songs ever recorded as loud as I can while flying over PETA rallies and throwing real fur coats on them. It just wouldn’t be fun any other way.
April 23rd, 2008 at 3:30 pm
I’d bomb spammers’ basements. Community service.
April 23rd, 2008 at 1:14 pm
i would throw fecees at people from a great height
April 23rd, 2008 at 11:18 am
I would land it on your driveway while you are dogging away at work you pityful shits. Taking your wife for a ride since she is so impressed with my vehicial prowess. Then do her cowgirl with an open door in a dead still hover. Bend her ass out and let her gloop my spooge on your windshield while you are stuck in traffic.
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:27 am
I think it would be fun to push sala out of it from a few thousand feet up.
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:24 am
I’d throw a fucking shovel at that curly blond-haired boy that keeps stealing my milk
April 23rd, 2008 at 8:38 am
Every time I signed in http://www.bigblackconnect.com/ and there were always many women would talk to me … It is a funny and interesting place to talk to these thoughtful women.
April 23rd, 2008 at 7:50 am
i thought that one about highway tolls, said ‘get around highway TROLLS’ which…made me think American highways where A LOT more Dean Koontzian than i’d ever previously imagined.
also made me think a helicopter might help with our motorway trolls over here in the UK, they’re terrible, they keep smashing things and eating children and billygoats.
April 22nd, 2008 at 9:45 pm
I’d try to get through the drive through at McDonalds.
April 22nd, 2008 at 9:19 pm
I would get the loudest guitar amp that it can carry, fly over a large city and play Black Sabbath’s “Iron Man” because that is the most badass thing I can think of right now, besides the helicopter being on fire while I do it.
April 22nd, 2008 at 7:49 pm
just copy and paste the url in my comment to see what the jpg was.
April 22nd, 2008 at 7:47 pm
I’d do this.
[img width=300]www.horrordvds.com/reviews/n-z/28w/28w_shot4l.jpg[/img]
April 22nd, 2008 at 6:22 pm
jmcfarl3-
I’m a military pilot, and I don’t get to take helicopters to my girlfriend’s house and/or parties. Just thought I’d point that out.
April 22nd, 2008 at 5:48 pm
Yes, but should a MILITARY helicoptor be used for personal business?
I’m English, and I support the royal family, but I much prefer the queen’s thrifty ways to their ways. They should aim to set an example, not do what the fuck they want.
April 22nd, 2008 at 5:31 pm
Hey, Glendoor corrects someone’s grammar. Guess some people don’t learn.
April 22nd, 2008 at 5:25 pm
hey you are all woefully misinformed. the reason the prince can fly around Englind is because he’s a military pilot. are you all military pilots? no. the best any of you can hope to do is sell that goddamn helicopter and live comfortably off the hundreds of thousands of dollars you’ll get. Though you are all so lame you’ll probably find a way to go back in time and invest ur cash in Enron. TROLL!
April 22nd, 2008 at 5:16 pm
removed meant to say.
April 22nd, 2008 at 5:15 pm
To my penis , Hey, shut the fuck up! If everbody already didn’t think you were a dick you just remove all doubt.
April 22nd, 2008 at 5:01 pm
They can join always join mine. It’s called Aush-Wits (We’re world renowned for our Afghan soup dishes and our stand-up-comic-filled night life.) While there, children learn how to do hard work, women can let their hair off-I mean down, and everyone gets away from the artificial stresses of day-to-day life. We also categorize all of our members into a simple letters-and-numbers system that includes complementary tattoos. Sign up today, and we’ll help you find the PERFECT final SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS.
April 22nd, 2008 at 4:54 pm
Hello? Can anyone hear me? I havent seen a vagina in years. Please someone help me. I need human contact. I’m tired of being crammed in a hollowed out pumpkin.
April 22nd, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Pick up chicks.
April 22nd, 2008 at 4:46 pm
Actually they have half of my genes and half of their mothers which makes them a strange combo of Southern Belle and Jewish Princesses.
To bad that none of my immediate family can be members of my country club.
April 22nd, 2008 at 4:39 pm
Also AIDs. Plenty of AIDS.
April 22nd, 2008 at 4:38 pm
If any of your daughters got my genes you’d know cause they’d be female adonises. Their perfect features and godlike physiques matched only by their intelligence and humour.
April 22nd, 2008 at 4:36 pm
Oh, wait, I just remembered. If your daughter had inherited my genes, she would have sickle cell anemia, albinism, and… uh…. rabies. Yeah, that’s how it works.
Guess I won’t be paying any insurance fees after all.
April 22nd, 2008 at 4:26 pm
Happy Racecar Day, Robotman!
April 22nd, 2008 at 4:19 pm
BTW the Luftwaffe lose , they always lose LOL and you forgot to periods at the end of all of your list.W00T!!!!!!11!!!!
April 22nd, 2008 at 4:16 pm
“Mark my words glendoor42, your children will find out who “Daddy’ really is one day very, very soon”
Yeah, it’s kingmonkey +1 except to the one who wrecks all my vehicles he won’t claim that one. If you want to claim her I will gladly send you the insurance bill. It’ currently $535.00 a month and rising.
April 22nd, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Apparently, Miley Cyrus is getting close to exposing her “cavernous vagina” on the internet. I didn’t look for the pictures, though. I didn’t want to be terrified.
http://www.hiphop-elements.com/article/read/4/22382/1/
April 22nd, 2008 at 3:54 pm
I wouldn’t want to invade France as such, but I would like to re-enact that bit from 28 Weeks Later, and I can’t think of a better country to do it in.
April 22nd, 2008 at 3:53 pm
Kingmonkey.
Haruhiism holds all the answers, but do you have the right questions?
April 22nd, 2008 at 3:52 pm
I would use it to go and snipe Miley Cyrus.
Although, she would probably just catch the bullet in her cavernous vagina.
April 22nd, 2008 at 3:50 pm
And you will pay for your desertion, Panzer-Stier Ross, or should I say “The Red Hawk of Munich”.
DUN DUN DUNNN!
April 22nd, 2008 at 3:47 pm
I’d turn it upside down and mow neighborhood lawns to earn pocket money.
Also swoop low and blow ladies’ dresses off.
April 22nd, 2008 at 3:45 pm
I’d shoot down William that tosspot, and probably dangle my bollocks a bit too.
April 22nd, 2008 at 3:33 pm
Dan, you make me laugh. Please accept this complementary handjob provided by me.. A straight male.
April 22nd, 2008 at 3:19 pm
Man, I’ve threatened someone in about half of my comments. Better get back on the pills.
April 22nd, 2008 at 3:17 pm
And you will pay for your desertion, Panzer-Stier Ross, or should I say “The Red Hawk of Munich”.
April 22nd, 2008 at 3:15 pm
People post responses to Cracked blogs to earn respect?
April 22nd, 2008 at 3:15 pm
If not for glendoor42’s meddling, I wouldn’t have to roam the streets fighting other hobos for internet access. Add to this the fact that she used to be my wife, and I think you’ll understand why his name is on that list. Mark my words glendoor42, your children will find out who “Daddy’ really is one day very, very soon
April 22nd, 2008 at 3:08 pm
Damn Luftwaffe, if they aren’t terrifying our grandfathers they’re off trying to tell us what to do on the internet.
April 22nd, 2008 at 3:05 pm
Hey, I like glendoor42. If not for him, I’d never have met and developed a loving relationship with his wife.
April 22nd, 2008 at 2:57 pm
I’ve often wondered about the deeper mysteries of the universe. Is there a divine force that guides us? Is there a cosmic balance to our actions? Is tallmingle.com a good place to meet tall singles?
Can Haruhiism give me the answers?
April 22nd, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Cracked.com Public Service Announcement - How to tell if people like your comment.
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5. A correction of somebody’s grammar
Does the joke contained within your comment utterly hinge around one of the following?
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Are you fucking 12?
If you answered yes to any of the above, the community of Cracked.com does not like your comment. This is because you are not funny and a pathetic waste of natural resources.
April 22nd, 2008 at 2:23 pm
I would use it to form the cornerstone of the Haruhiist empire, which will one day cover the entire globe, by which point I’ll have several helicopters, and be EMPEROR OF HUMANITY.
Then, I’d use it to toss dissenters/ people I just don’t like into an ACTIVE VOLCANO, whilst filming it to play back to my people in slow motion as an example to them all.
April 22nd, 2008 at 1:22 pm
1. moon airliners
2. dangle cows outside of the upper floor windows of large sky scrapers.
3. hover really low around girls with tube tops on.
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:59 pm
With respect to Mr. Bucholz and a thank you for a funny post I have one question,
WHERE IS ROSS?
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:47 pm
I would definitely
1. Tie Pete Wentz to the one of the legs and dangle him above those emo-hating Mexicans.
2. Live it in (take THAT Homeowner’s Insurance)
3. Paint Obama on it and stalk KKK meetings
4. Kidnap DOB and Gladstone’s dogs and deliver them to Swaim for an all you can rape buffet.
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:35 pm
I would reinact every episode of Blue Thunder. For those of you not in the know, here’s a synopsis:
Lt. Frank Chaney of the LAPD is a maverick cop with unorthodox methods who is assigned to the Blue Thunder Team, which uses a very advanced gadget-filled helicopter in its fight against crime. “Blue Thunder” is capable of great speed and maneuverability, can run silently in “whisper mode”, and is armed with the most powerful weapons in development. His partner is a fresh-faced rookie with the improbable name of Wonderlove, and ground support is supplied by ex-athletes Ski and Bubba, who drive a sophisticated van.
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:33 pm
hunting from a helicopter with rockets sounds like the second most manly thing in the world. After hunting on the ground armed only with a replica rambo knife and your wits.
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:16 pm
My uncle, when he was in Vietnam, heard of people using their helicopters to hunt elephants with rockets, the ass was the was the target. The only problem he said, was you only got one shot.
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:12 pm
I would:
1) Blast the Matrix soundtrack whilest jumping out attached to a bungie chord and film myself in slow motion, landing and smashing through a glass ceiling if possible.
2) Spin round and round whilest vertically climbing and see if the G-force makes my head explode. Just for the hell of it.
3) Invade a small island, and set up my own castle fortress. I’ve got my sights on Jersey, the Isle of Man or maybe one of the Hawaiian islands that used to be a leper colony, just because the added-effect of an ex leper colony will scare away the riff-raff.
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:11 pm
If I had a helicopter, I’d perform an aerial teabag on any buildings I didn’t like. Take this bank! Take this church! Take this PETA’s headshed!
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:04 pm
I would
1) Steal underpants
2) ?
3) Profit
also…
4) Attach a swingset to each blade, and let her rip!
April 22nd, 2008 at 11:43 am
I would
1) toss a cabbage into the blades and make the world’s fastest cole slaw;
2) help little old ladies cross the street;
3) destroy the Fantastic Four once and for all!
April 22nd, 2008 at 11:42 am
I would like to say, that if i had a helicopter, i would talk to it, until it revealed its true nature as a Transformer, and then i would go on long walks on the beach, eat dinner by candle light with her, and then, just for fun, land in some UFO nut’s back yard at midnight with all the lights going. Oh, and i might freak out some hippies… Oh! Oh! and i could land near retirement homes and send all the old Vets into flashbacks as well..
Man, a helicopter would be so cool..
I might also use it to continue stalking Gladstone.
April 22nd, 2008 at 11:12 am
Also, I’d probably paint it to look like a Peregrine Falcon, and attack the Macy’s Thanksgiving day Parade.
Goodbye, Shrek. It was a good run, friend. But your time has come.
April 22nd, 2008 at 10:58 am
I love the UN. Peacekeeper rape is cool!
April 22nd, 2008 at 10:54 am
If I had a helicopter I’d airlift Polar Bears out of the zoo and into open air swimming pools during the school holidays.
April 22nd, 2008 at 10:32 am
I would
1.conquer France.
2. Launch aborted fetuses at kittens from 1000 feet in the air while burning an american flag.
3. killing the one baldwin brother that can actually act.
F**k you, foolish mortals, because I, Hannah Montana, tyrant of the snake monsters, shall destroy your foolish human race.
April 22nd, 2008 at 10:16 am
Lolz, that’s friggin hilarious Stiles. I bow to your comedic genius *bows*.
April 22nd, 2008 at 9:57 am
damn, all of the good ideas I had are taken. Thanks a lot, D.O.B.
April 22nd, 2008 at 9:54 am
“WILLIAM GAILY DANGLES BOLLOCKS OVER ENGLAND ON HELICOPTER JAUNT.”
That may be the coolest headline I’ve ever read.
Wait, are you saying you don’t have a helicopter? Ha ha, you are a loser! That means you can’t go to helicopter drive-in theatres, or the use the helicopter drive through at the bank.
April 22nd, 2008 at 9:44 am
I’d never really considered it, but you’re right; when you own a helicopter, the world is your toilet.
On an unrelated note, I’ve recently decided to always use an umbrella.
April 22nd, 2008 at 9:42 am
Toss frozen chickens from it.
Spear a marshmallow on the Empire State Building.
Reenact MY version of Cloverfield.
April 22nd, 2008 at 9:31 am
I would definitely have races against birds.
And drop big rocks into lakes, you have to admit you still like the splash
April 22nd, 2008 at 9:02 am
I’d fly to Prince William’s girlfriend’s house and park in her driveway. Then, Prince William will have to fly all around the block looking for a place to park his stupid helicopter for jerks. He’ll be so embarrassed.
Also I’m boning his girlfriend.
April 22nd, 2008 at 8:59 am
I’d hire someone to fly it and roll a couple of joints and enjoy the ride. (I’m easy to please. Oh, and a stoner.)
April 22nd, 2008 at 8:36 am
I would interrupt sporting events by landing on the pitch, field, etc. People would love it!
April 22nd, 2008 at 8:29 am
“Paint it black and fly around Idaho, scaring the hell out of those anti-UN nuts.”
I used to live with those IDiots out there. Any jab is greatly appreciated [and accurate].
April 22nd, 2008 at 8:26 am
Well actually that’s impossible, but I think I have a better Idea.
April 22nd, 2008 at 8:16 am
I think we have to build a space helicopter!