This weekend it was reported that Prince William landed a helicopter outside his girlfriends house in rural England, during a training exercise. Military spokespersons have confirmed that this was all part of an authorized training mission, the British military evidently placing great stock in how well their fighting men are capable of fucking up their father in law's lawns. The press has been less charitable however, a notable example being the Sun with their headline "WILLIAM GAILY DANGLES BOLLOCKS OVER ENGLAND ON HELICOPTER JAUNT." All of this comes on the tail of reports that William took another helicopter trip to a stag party with his brother Harry in recent weeks. Military spokespersons have been unable to confirm the nature of that particular military venture, other than to suggest that it might have had something to do with naked vaginas. All this raises an important question, "Why the fuck don't I have a helicopter?" Seriously, what kind of loser goes to his girlfriends house and peeler bars in a Mazda Protege? I'll tell you who: It's me. (but never on the same night sweetie.) Oh sure, there's probably several good reasons that I don't have a helicopter. I have no money, for one. And I can't get one via the military, because apparently I'm too "doughy" for those perfectionists. Perhaps most importantly, my dad isn't going to be King one day - a fact which causes me unimaginable shame, and makes every Father's Day around our house feel like a hollow sham. Anyways, the result of all this aimless rambling is that if I want to go on any incredible adventures like Prince William, I'm forced to use my "imagination," which is kind of like a helicopter for poor kids. So here's a big list of things I'd do if I had a helicopter: Get some 20" wheels on it, and maybe a discrete spoiler. Also, get a waterbed in there. Help old people get cats out of trees. Put old people's cats in trees. Put old people in trees. Get around highway tolls. Watch sporting events for free. Harass nudists. Paint it black and fly around Idaho, scaring the hell out of those anti-UN nuts. Shout patronizing advice at mountain climbers. Toilet paper some hot air balloonists. Attack France. Pop by the airport whenever I need a handle of Duty Free gin. Fly to the moon. Pee on people from a great height. __ So that's my list. What would you do if you got a helicopter? Like if Santa Claus made a horrible mistake one year?