All this raises an important question, "Why the fuck don't I have a helicopter?" Seriously, what kind of loser goes to his girlfriends house and peeler bars in a Mazda Protege? I'll tell you who: It's me. (but never on the same night sweetie.) Oh sure, there's probably several good reasons that I don't have a helicopter. I have no money, for one. And I can't get one via the military, because apparently I'm too "doughy" for those perfectionists. Perhaps most importantly, my dad isn't going to be King one day - a fact which causes me unimaginable shame, and makes every Father's Day around our house feel like a hollow sham.
Anyways, the result of all this aimless rambling is that if I want to go on any incredible adventures like Prince William, I'm forced to use my "imagination," which is kind of like a helicopter for poor kids. So here's a big list of things I'd do if I had a helicopter:
Get some 20" wheels on it, and maybe a discrete spoiler.
Also, get a waterbed in there.
Help old people get cats out of trees.
Put old people's cats in trees.
Put old people in trees.
Get around highway tolls.
Watch sporting events for free.
Paint it black and fly around Idaho, scaring the hell out of those anti-UN nuts.
Shout patronizing advice at mountain climbers.
Toilet paper some hot air balloonists.
Pop by the airport whenever I need a handle of Duty Free gin.
Fly to the moon.
Pee on people from a great height.
So that's my list. What would you do if you got a helicopter? Like if Santa Claus made a horrible mistake one year?