Your instinct to make a "Shit Someone Says" video to gain momentary internet fame and potentially woo several sexual partners is not a bad one, provided you had that idea two years ago instead of yesterday.
Venus is set to enter Aries on Feb. 8, which may sound pretty awful if that’s not something you’re into, but maybe it will make you feel better to know that at various points this month, Neptune, Mercury and the sun will all enter Pisces, who doesn’t have any idea that it’s coming.
Once Saturn goes retrograde on the 8th, a gathering to watch the Republican primary debates will not be a good place to meet a sex partner. Before the 8th, that is also not a good place to meet a sex partner.
The secret to success in the sack this month is to pretend you’ve never heard of Valentine’s Day. Someone will be excited by your virginal naiveté, or someone will feel sorry for your unexplainable obliviousness. Either way, it will be the best shot you have to score, so don’t waste it.
No worries that you ditched Pisces last month after we asked you really nicely mentor them. Of course, you didn't come through on a personal favor for us, so we can’t help but take that into account when we’re deciding who gets syphilis this month. Be careful out there, Gemini.
A single person's best chance to score in February is any day but Valentine’s Day, interestingly. You’re going to beat the odds this month, though, by not scoring on any of the other days either.
It’s Black History month, Libra, and there’s no better way to celebrate the spirit of a people than by immersing yourself in history and culture and then trying to use that newfound knowledge as a springboard for some hot, hot loving.
Last month we promised to have Gemini mentor you into sexual excess, and we’re sorry that it didn’t happen. That’s what we get for trusting the group that invented the term "TRYsexual" as a way to explain why they’ll get busy with literally anything. New plan! Ummm ... Read "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus," and ... just ... do that. We'll talk next month.
They say Valentine’s Day is a corporate holiday designed to make you spend money, but more importantly, it’s a day that gives established couples an excuse to have sex. That includes people like your parents, aunts and uncles, and your boss. So good luck getting aroused this month, Sagittarius.
The Cosmos noticed you didn’t call after our date last month, Scorpio. We even tried you several times to make sure you had the right number or we didn’t miss your call while we were in the shower. We left messages, sent texts. We would never use our power for personal gain, but boy wouldn’t it be a weird coincidence if suddenly your future doesn’t look so bright? Talk soon?
Your irrational anger toward Punxsutawney Phil’s prediction of a longer winter is sort of cute in a quirky way, but it’s not going to do much for your sex appeal. Keep it to yourself, and you should do OK this month.
Yes, it’s only February, but spring is just around the corner, so if you want to find sexual release once the weather warms up, you better start preparing for bathing-suit season by getting in shape. Or by buying that telephoto lens for your camera. Whatever appeals to you more.

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