Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should do it -- just ask whoever invented barbed wire tattoos.
And just because you have an engineering background and an overactive imagination doesn't mean you should construct every batshit gadget that pops into your crazy head. That's how we ended up with these crimes against logic and good taste.
6 A Fake Tongue For Licking Your Cat
Megan Nanna via Williamette Weekly
Because cat people aren't in in any hurry to dispel the "crazy" part of their usual stereotype, there is now a tool you can use to lick your cat.
We'll let that tidbit sit for a minute before moving on.
Believe us, we wish this was a euphemism for oral sex.
The LICKI Brush works when you, an adult human, put a pacifier in your mouth. Only instead of your pacifier featuring a ring or cartoon character, the thing at the end of your pacifier is a giant rubber tongue. You then use this tongue to caress your cat's body. Don't feel weird; you're not doing anything that another cat or an insane person wouldn't do.
We've told you before that cats think of humans as just big, dumb versions of themselves. And since cats bond with each other through licking, someone decided that cat owners were in desperate need of a brush that would mimic said licking. Before you knew it, the world was blessed with a Kickstarter looking for $36,500 to make the LICKI Brush happen. And by golly! They did it! They raised the money for a tool that is "designed to feel pleasurable to your cat's sensitive skin" and is a "meditative practice, soothing for both you and your cat," which is completely scientific and in no way creepy.
Disney–ABC Domestic Television
Again, this is probably the only instance where sex slang would actually be less dirty.
The LICKI Brush advises you to "slowly approach your cat when she is sleeping" to use the device, which sounds totally reasonable. If you're going to come at your pet with a giant rubber pegboard sticking unnaturally out of your mouth, ambushing them is clearly the best way to do it.
"Your cat will love it! Or claw your goddamned eyes out! Definitely one of the two!"
The Kickstarter also mentions that this device allows you to lick your cat "without the furballs," as if that was the only thing stopping you before, and that you can "invite your friends and their cats over for LICKI parties," which is heroically ignoring the fact that the type of person who buys a giant fake tongue to lick their cat isn't the type of person who throws parties or has friends.
5 The Vibrator That Analyzes Your Orgasms
As anyone who's ever heard a standup comedy routine in the last 40 years can tell you, men and women are hilariously different. For instance, when it comes to masturbating, men are fine with just wailing on their boners for a minute or two and then heading back out to the sales floor to finish their shift at Circuit City. According to the maker of the smart vibrator the Lioness, women need detailed analyses about the experience. Analyses from their VAGINAS.
It's the cave where sex occurs.
Apparently, after you place this particular vibrator in your lady area and turn it on, sensors will pick up things like vaginal contractions, temperature, and movement. The inventor hopes that by having this information, women will be able to better visualize how they get off, "chart their sexually," and feel comfortable trying new things. This, in turn, will help them have a more fulfilling sex life by giving them a way to understand just what their body needs. Kind of like how your mom used to take your temperature and nag you about your eating habits, but from inside your vagina. And you're the mom. This analogy fell apart instantly, but you get the idea.
So how does the lady-tickler convey all this information about your hoohah? Through a smartphone, of course. The app will definitely not lead to any awkward situations if a partner/random stranger on the bus happens to look over your shoulder while you're absorbing your masturbation data.
"You told me you didn't like the twist-n-swirl!"
The Lioness' Indigogo campaign expects the final product to cost $230, which is pretty steep, even for some seriously awesome climaxes. Still, there are some obvious benefits to having this knowledge. The company reached its $50,000 goal within four days, so apparently there are plenty of women who are interested in having an orgasm strategy guide on their phones.