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If only Brawndo irrigation was our biggest problem...

Some people are going to be wanting to forget the 5th of November very quickly.

"While anarchists may be right that Fawkes was the only person ever to enter Parliament with honest intentions, they've forgotten what those intentions were. Fawkes wasn't trying to destroy an evil theocracy, he was trying to install one."


Cartoon Hulkamania doesn't produce the same bank as being Ray Romano's Kramer, but a check is a check.

"For over 100 episodes, the man best known for playing Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air also lent his voice to an Asian ninja master best known for living inside a giant mechanical eyeball and hanging out with a hideous man-hog and a disembodied brain."


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"Though your findings are certainly incredible and we understand your enthusiasm, we must say that the title 'God Melted Some Nazi Faces In Front Of Me' simply doesn't fit our journal's aesthetic."

"We regret to inform you that your article, titled 'Magic Exists And Also I Saved A Bunch Of Child Slaves' has not been accepted for publication in the summer issue of the Marshall College Archaeological Review."


We also recommend keeping a Snickers bar and a case full of "Try not to panic."

"Your survival is important to us. After all, with no readers, there is no Cracked. That's why we reached out to one of our most esteemed photo manipulators to hunt down the best tips for keeping you alive."


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J.K. Rowling doesn't "just" donate so much to charity that she took herself off Forbes' "World Billionaires" list. She's also found time to connect with some of the individual fans who need her most.

"Back when the world was waiting for Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, young Catie Hoch was suffering from neuroblastoma. And when her parents contacted Rowling fearing that Catie wouldn't make it to the release of the next book, Catie became the very first person in the world to experience Harry's next adventure - Rowling read it to her over the phone."


If the sound of someone chewing makes you want to punch holes in the wall, you have a perfectly reasonable affliction!

"Interestingly, the hatred is even more severe when the forbidden sound is coming from someone who is emotionally connected to the sufferer, like a family member or close friend, which makes Thanksgiving with a misophonia sufferer sound like just the worst torture ever."


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If you're in the Western world, your education looked pretty much like this: 12 years of sitting in classes that focused almost entirely on memorizing facts. The thing is that by the third grade or so, you probably knew why that was bullshit.

"It turns out that the modern school system was concocted nearly wholesale by a committee of ten guys way back in the early 1890s. They were imaginatively known as the Committee of Ten. Before then, schools across the United States were essentially free to teach kids however they wanted. But the committee's report basically turned education into an assembly line."


Dude knows his Oppenheimer.

"Today's news is like a less plausible version of the wacky fake headlines from 1980s movies set in the future."


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Compared to what we got now, Idiocracy would be an upgrayedd.

"Stupid people in the movie know they're stupid. Could you even imagine a world in which idiots knew that they were idiots? What a magical fucking utopia. How do we get that now?"


Ye Olde Butt Stuff...

"We can use any number of adjectives to describe our ancestors: innovative, dumb, horny, prude, violent, enlightened, close-minded, dead. One thing they rarely get credit for is being humorous."


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