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If you're wolfing down some custom McDoubles on a messy bed, you are already ahead of the pack!

And then Steven Tyler's crotch hump switched to the other side...

"A lot of the stuff we consider "classic" really only reached our ears mostly due to plain dumb happenstance."

These days, any mention of depression is met with, "You just have a chemical imbalance! Go see your doctor for pills!" The unspoken implication is that depressed people are looking at their normal, happy life and seeing a distorted gray haze instead.

"Depressed folks are consistently more realistic when it comes to predicting future events and have a better sense of the passage of time than nondepressed people. It turns out, the inherent pessimism that comes with the condition results in an unusually level-headed and rational view of both themselves and the world around them. "

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Who's a good large wolf-dog animal?

"The world isn't completely full of doom and gloom."

Rome invaded Iceni, captured Queen Boudicca, and flogged and raped her daughters. Unfortunately for Rome, they didn't understand who the F$@% they were dealing with.

"Before she'd been stopped, Boudicca had obliterated three Roman cities, burned Roman London to the ground and massacred 80,000 Roman squatters in a manner that only the Celts can appreciate."

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And if the internet gets its way with that Deadpool petition, soon SNL will have its largest audience of 7-year-olds in the show's history!

"Our readers have taken this week's popular headlines and stripped them of all the bullshit so you can quickly digest all the important stuff, and spend as little time with a sad, creepy uncle as possible."

It's bizarre that Apple didn't feel the need to even give Susan a cursory, "Hey, just FYI, we bought your voice, and soon millions of teenagers are going to be trying to trick you into saying dirty words."

"There were Siris all over the world because, for instance, I don't speak Thai or Japanese. They had to have native speakers. And all of the original Siris weren't paid for the usage. We were paid for the original recording sessions, but we weren't paid for being on all those phones. Which is a pretty big issue for us. I know there was one person who ended up getting fired from another job because he was working for a company that considered Apple a competitor. His voice was on the iPhone, and he lost a job because of it."

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We'll understand if you take the Big Mac Hack under advisement.

"Are you broke? Don't lie to us, of course you are! Everybody is! And it's not just because of your crippling addiction to Boom Beach, it's because you're letting yourself get taken for a ride literally everywhere you spend money."

This one is for the slobs.

"Hey, guess what? All that stuff you do that you think makes you healthier or makes the planet better or makes puppies and kittens dance a salsa together? None of it works!"

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Never has L'Trimm's "Cars With The Boom!" been a more fitting soundtrack. - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0DmDRlOZHo

"Behold, for your viewing pleasure, the reigning masters of not giving a single shit."

It's an above-average church.

"The aerial image of the Church of the Flaccid Cock went viral on the Internet after it was discovered by a local resident. To add to the hilarity, the church is located in 'Dixon, Illinois.' And the church's motto? 'Rising up.'"

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