Login or Register

Sign in with Facebook

Last week we learned that poor kids are wearing their jeans just like Levi Strauss intended.

In 1950, Mel Johnson had a dream to build a planned community: BoozeTown, a town devoted solely to getting hammered.

"Boozetown was to have an electric trolley system to eliminate drunk driving and moving sidewalks to assist the stumblers."

Roger's got a boot to put up that thirst in your ass.

"You're probably already on board with the idea of consuming wet sugar with bubbles in it."

Continue Reading Below

Stank jeans! They're smart!

"It's important to take care of your wardrobe because, unfortunately, we've moved past the stage in society where wearing a loincloth in public is considered acceptable."

Wait, you're telling us Paul Verhoeven isn't interested in accuracy? Who could have seen this coming?

"Look, we know when we look up at the sky and see a shooting star, it's not actually the Death Star exploding in a galaxy far, far away. But that's the kind of stuff we can suspend our disbelief for."

Continue Reading Below

How the hell can something like this happen in America? Cracked talked to a local news producer who's been covering the Flint water situation since last summer, and she clued us in on this slow-motion nightmare of incompetence and catastrophe.

"The people of Flint have some pretty damn good reasons not to trust their local government...which was horribly inconvenient when the government finally got around to issuing a lead advisory late last September, assuring residents they could treat their tap water with complimentary Brita filters."

The sleep apnea machine is the closest science has come to recreating the experience of trying to nap with an alien facehugger porking your throat with a pressurized air dong.

"I've woken up convinced a cat was eating my face, that someone was sitting on me and farting right up my nose, that a spider was trying to merge with my head, and a variety of other ridiculous things that ended with me ripping the mask off and throwing it away."

Continue Reading Below

You go to school, thinking you smell just fine, but your classmates start crying from fifty feet away. Before you know it, you're being relentlessly mocked, and you have no idea why.

"When you're hurting for the essentials, deodorant is a luxury. So is laundry soap. In a lot of poor households, there are two kinds of soap: a bar that you use for your ass and hair, and a big-ass container of the cheapest dish soap you can find for dishes and laundry."

What could have been: think World Of Warcraft, but with super mutants instead of orcs.

"Another developer ran a crowdfunding campaign to rustle up even more money, after which they, uh, vanished from the face of the Earth, taking every hope of a Fallout MMO with them (and also the money of all those loyal fans)."

Continue Reading Below

And unless you're Sean Penn, the odds of only one of these improves with cheating.

"We everyday, normal people go about our business without ever really considering probability, despite the fact that if we did pay attention to these numbers, we'd have the closest thing we can get to a crystal ball."

Evidently babies have diplomatic immunity from the U.N.'s Convention Against Torture and Other Cruel, Inhuman, or Degrading Treatment or Punishment.

"Babies know exactly what they're doing. Every torture technique they use on you strips away another layer of self-involved narcissism until you're left a better, more selfless, far more loving person."

To turn on reply notifications, click here


Load Comments