Everyone needs a hobby to distract themselves from the pressures of daily life and the crushing meaninglessness of existence. But some celebrities, as part of their continuing efforts to prove that they're so far removed from normal humanity that they're essentially another species, have taken up hobbies so dark that we're wondering if someone should start checking for bodies in their basements. And speaking of basements ...
6Barbra Streisand Stores Her Belongings In A Fake Shopping Mall In Her Basement
The average basement looks like a cross between a hobo's shopping cart and a hoarder's desperate plea for an intervention. But if you have the money of an oil sheikh and the taste of a grandma who's really into collecting porcelain babies, you can do something different with your basement. Something ... special.
You're looking at one of the many "shops" in Barbra Streisand's basement, where she keeps an empty mall's worth of furniture, shoes, clothes, dolls, and more in a nightmarish limbo where they'll never be used, sold, or appreciated.
So, like any other mall, really.
"I have a lot of stuff, and instead of storing it just in a basement, why not make a street of shops that would house these things?" Streisand said, as somewhere in America a child starved to death.
"Bee's Doll Shop: for when torturing your kids with Christmas coal just isn't enough."
Streisand Avenue Mall gets creepier the longer you gaze upon it, as your mind slowly begins to wrap itself around the bizarre artificiality of what it's witnessing. At best, it's a Scooby-Doo ghost town. At worst, a maniac driving a cursed floor polisher has mowed down panicked teenagers within these halls. An announcement plays over the public address system, advertising a sale that will never actually come to this mocking simulacrum of commerce. Then it announces a time of death.
"Attention shoppers, all hope will fade in 15 minutes.
Please make your final purchase and will and testament."
No child will ever enter that sweet shop. And, wait! What's that in the carriage?
Jesus Christ! Is that a doll, or did Streisand order a baby mummified for authenticity? And what seven-year curse does it unleash on those unlucky enough to cross its path?
5Billy Corgan Might Be Insane
Noted pumpkin-smashing enthusiast Billy "William" Corgan, like many musicians and bald people, has always been a little eccentric. But his recent endeavors have us worried that he needs a hug, possibly one that's delivered at an intervention.
For starters, Corgan recently deleted his Twitter account after sending a final message that read, "After mulling this for a while, I'm deleting this account. So many thanks to those that have followed. Find me at: PeopleAndTheirCars.com." And indeed, you can find Corgan at PeopleAndTheirCars.com, where he posts random vintage photos that primarily do not feature people and their cars.
People And Their Cars
Was the tree delivered in a car? Are those dinosaurs going to get into a car?
What's your angle, Corgan?
You can sign up for a newsletter and buy prints of the photos for modest prices, assuming you can navigate the confusing and pretentious layout. It all seems more appropriate for an enterprising, Americana-obsessed teenager's Tumblr than the endeavor of an iconic rock star.
But Corgan's so much more than just a musician and a ... whatever that was. He's also an animal lover!
He sees a rat in a cage; they see an easy dinner.
Corgan is a big supporter of PAWS Chicago, a no-kill animal shelter, which is ... actually pretty adorable, even if that cover makes him look like the sort of person who would knit a sweater out of cat hair and then force it onto the woman he chained up in his basement after she turned him down for a date.
But while Corgan's charity work is admirable, he needs to learn to be chill about it. When Anderson Cooper made fun of that cover, Corgan tweeted, "Sorry to disappoint, but when I'm not raising cain for a great organization like @PAWSchicago, I'm still making REAL music. I realize you're too busy being a globalist shill to know the difference, but there are those of us who do as we like." Then he started selling these shirts:
Twitter / Sarah Petty
They're losing sight of the real enemy: whoever stuck them in those bow ties.
To be fair, Cooper was totally being a dick. But you have to anticipate a certain amount of mockery when you pose for that photo, and it's best to just shrug it off like the aloof animals you're advocating for. Unless this is all a ruse to get sepia-toned pictures of people in that shirt to create content for PeopleAndTheirCars.com.