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Last week, we learned a lot about foodstuffs. And also, hats dyed with blood.

Hey, ladies! (get government-y now...)

"Anyone who's watched television or movies or even checked out a meme or two in the last decade will see that the same tired stereotypes are being pushed around. Naturally, some people just sort of accept these things as true without a second thought."


Think lightning quick, homicidal garden gnome.

"It's said to live in and around old ruined castles, venturing outside to kill locals, because it needs their blood to dye its hat. That's right, the eponymous 'red cap' needs to stay a very particular shade of red, and only human blood will do."


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That was life in the "no chill" era.

"Ever been in a situation where you were left speechless, only to think of something awesome to say way after the point? These guys didn't have that problem."


You know who else never got a driver's license? Woody Allen. So there's that company to consider if you suffer from non-driving shame.

"Is it pathetic to admit that I don't trust myself to operate a car? That I can't envision myself merging onto a highway or hitting the brakes in time without causing a Final Destination chain reaction? Well, color me pathetic, because these are things I'm afraid of."


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Hey, you sure ain't getting that kind of exposure on Yelp.

"Trying to keep up with the news is like trying to dry out a flooded basement with a sponge. No reasonable person can be expected to keep up with every important headline while maintaining their sanity."


Please let the meat glue not be made from horses.

"There are huge, impressive teams of scientists working around the clock to make new and cheaper food scented concoctions that are close enough to pass your taste test. Thankfully, our readers are happy to enlighten you with the horribly disturbing truth about what you're eating."


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At this point, we're all just watching two guys pretending to fight ... and that's just kind of weird.?

"In the Attitude Era, every major character had a storyline. I can't remember the last good storyline in the modern era of wrestling."


When you're poor you eat garbage. When you're not poor - you probably still do the same

"Vegetables are supposed to be squishy, aren't they? A lot of this new stuff sucks by comparison because it's not what you've been trained to eat -- the flavors and textures are all wrong, and there's a real temptation to keep eating the same shit until it stops your heart at age 43."


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He did perfect his scowl over the years.

"Dedicating the news cycle to Trump's insanity and then getting shocked when he says something outrageous is like giving your dog a treat for shitting in your bed and then acting surprised when he does it again."


Little known fact: you should also stop brushing your teeth as part of the Paleo regimen.

"Probably 95 percent of you reading this have made a resolution that has to do with being healthy in some regard. But a casual look around the Internet will likely leave you confused, angry, and in a sweaty, sobbing pile on the ground."


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