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Dragons and terrorists and cats! Oh my...if the internet were a slot machine, bells would be blaring right about now.

Once upon a time, The Walking Dead would have been considered a bedtime story.

"Many of Grimm's fairy tales have been lightened up for modern children. However, some of them are beyond any hope, and should only be read to children you hate."


Yes, Millennials are the dopes who popularized the 'Face With Tears Of Joy' emoji. They also work harder, turn down more drugs, and avoid pregnancy better than the generations judging them.

"Hold up there, old timers. It turns out that you were the fuck-happy dick slingers. The 1950s absolutely demolishes every other modern world decade in teenage pregnancy."


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Watch it in the yard - that's when they'll come for you.

"There seem to be two kinds of people in the world: those who don't understand cats, and those who think cats are kind of douchebags. Unfortunately for cat lovers, science has kind of come down on the side of that second group."


3 million Syrians are fleeing their country's civil war. That means a lot of those 'Muslim refugees!!!!!' are average middle class folks, whose only crime was deciding not to be casualties.

"ISIS knows that even if they never smuggle a single terrorist in with the flood of refugees, just the suggestion that they might is enough to freak out whole governments and screw tens of thousands of refugees out of a shot at asylum."


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For the most powerful being in existence, Superman sure does whine a lot.

"Regardless of what side you're on, we can all come together and agree that Iron Man sure is a dick when he drunk texts."


Ahoy, Facebook! While you're tinkering around with a dislike button or some such, how about giving us a dum-dum hoax eliminator too? kthxbye

"Some people just read headlines and say, 'Yeah, I bet that could happen,' without checking, or even caring, to see what butthole that story was pulled from."


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Our periodic public service announcement...

"Each screw up is like a tiny accidental Easter egg for the obsessive compulsive troll who lives in all of us."


The difficulty we've had defeating ISIS suggests that, maybe, we don't really understand who and what the fuck they are. Fortunately, finding out what ISIS wants is like finding out what a vegan eats: They'll tell you. Which is to say that ISIS has a magazine, and we read it.

"Attention Internet: People who celebrate pictures of civilians they've killed as well as pictures of their own friend's murdered corpses don't give a shit what you call them."


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And when you really think about it, same goes for dungeons too...

"For a creature that has never existed, dragons sure do turn up a lot in ancient texts."


And the cost of each PlayStation 3: $2.5 million. #NotReally

"Sometimes it doesn't take genius to generate a solution. No, sometimes it takes the complete opposite of genius."


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