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All sorts of people say "Not everything's as bad as it first seems." They are horrible and wrong.

We did this interview in person, and it was harrowing.

"Nuclear detonations happen fast, and if you're anywhere near one, you'll be killed way before you have a chance to see that iconic mushroom cloud, much less cling to a chain link fence while a playground dissolves in fire."


A German town successfully tricked skinheads into raising money during a walkathon to help young people who've become entangled in neo-Nazi organizations get out. Thanks for cleaning up your own bullshit.

"It's unclear who exactly suggested sponsoring the neo-Nazis in an 'involuntary walkathon,' but whoever it was, we want to kiss that person full on the mouth."


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Well, this finally explains that one story where 007 just traveled through Europe looking for a sociable lapwing.

"You never know when the Muse will strike you. It could be while you're gazing through the work of great Renaissance artists. Or it could be while you're shitting yourself over rodents eating your fingers."


We could probably use this just about now.

"While we here at Cracked consider it our duty to shatter the illusions that hold your fragile life together, we also try to spread some good vibes to make up for it."


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You were so busy being wildly irritated by Jar Jar that you didn't notice he was a Drunken Master. Watch the whole Gungan take down right here!

"Jar Jar Binks was basically pretending to be the idiot that we hated in The Phantom Menace - planning out that there would be a reveal in the later movies that he was actually this Dark Force user."


See? Humanity CAN unite behind a single purpose.

"In life, there's a lot of information out there that, upon first learning, just seems completely unfathomable to imagine. Lucky for you, you don't even have to do that anymore."


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Panic attacks trigger the fight or flight response, which often causes the bowels to evacuate. If screaming in public isn't bad enough, you might also be shitting your pants!

"For those who have never had a panic attack, here's a really easy way to understand it: Imagine waking up on your average morning. You're thinking about your day, maybe a bit stressed, maybe a bit sleepy, but it's a normal morning. You open up your bathroom door to go brush your teeth and there is a fucking tiger sitting there."


None of that dressmaking crap for Kathy - just straight-up killer crazy.

"Knight had draped his skin, completely intact in a single piece, over an S hook in a doorway like a vanity curtain in Leatherface's house."


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When you're depressed, you're in a constant battle with your dumb brain for control of your life. And despite what pop culture tells us, depression generates a whole range of emotions beyond "gothic sad."

"Too often the message is 'Depression is fake, so if you have it, it's your own fault.' Because that's just what the mentally ill need to hear -- that the problem lowering their quality of life is imaginary and self-inflicted. That will make them feel better!"


And that's not just Japan. Tip in most European joints and they think you're a ridiculous chump who obviously hates his money.

"Hey, look, the United States is pretty great, OK? But when you hold up some of our customs and comforts to other countries', we're ... how do we put this nicely? kind of behind on the times."


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