We all have imperfections we've just had to get used to -- maybe your nose is too big, or your eyebrows don't line up perfectly, or your ears think will.i.am is a musician. However, learning to live with these little mistakes of nature can be hard when they're actually trying to murder you. Or when they're indicative of an underlying issue that might potentially impact your quality of life in a negative way. Regardless, the point is: You're screwed.
Sometimes a flaw is just a flaw, but other times it can be the Silver Surfer to a Galactus-sized, life-ruining problem, like ...
8Male Pattern Baldness And Prostate Cancer Go Hand-In-Hand
Unless your head is as exquisitely shaped as Patrick Stewart's, losing your hair is a tragic moment in the life of anyone. But, hey, at least it's just hair, right? No one's ever died from being bald. Yeah, about that ...
"What's that? You wanted to keep living anyway? My bad." -your body
It turns out that male pattern baldness and prostate cancer are good chums. In a study conducted by the National Cancer Institute, 4,000 men of all ages were tested, and researchers found that balding men had a significantly increased rate of prostrate cancer. For those men who had any degree of balding at all, they were at a 56 percent greater risk of dying from prostate cancer within a 21-year period. Those with moderate balding, meanwhile, were 83 percent more cancer-prone than the smug bastards with intact carpets on their heads.
Another study showed that being bald in the front and the crown of your head by age 45 makes you 40 percent more likely to have aggressive prostate cancer when you're older. The explanation? It's probably that prostate cancer and balding are caused by the same thing: too much testosterone. You're just too manly for your own good.
Start leaving this lying around wherever you go to let potential partners know what a stud you are.
The silver lining is that beating cancer is all about detecting it early, so if your hands end up too full of hair after shampooing, go get your ass checked, pronto.
7If Your Index Finger Is Longer Than Your Ring Finger, You Might Have Schizophrenia
Quick, men, compare your right hand's index finger and ring finger. Is your index finger longer? Yes? Congratulations, you might have schizophrenia.
No, we said the other fingers. Why are you showing us that one?
At least, that's according to a study published in Clinical Anatomy, where researchers measured the hands of over a hundred male patients with schizophrenia and then compared them to the fingers of a hundred men without the condition. They found that schizophrenic men were, on average, equipped with long right index fingers but had been shortchanged in the ring finger department. What the hell do your fingers have to do with your brain, you might be wondering? The answer is simple: They were both created in the same place. Yeah, it's all your mom's fault, basically.
Jose Luis Pelaez Inc../Blend Images/Getty Images
"Also, her maternity clothes were so ugly, it warped your terrible fashion sense in the womb."
Researchers found that men and women with schizophrenia had a tendency to have a more "feminine" phenotype when it came to their index and ring fingers. So, it's possible that when you were in the womb, there was a low fetal androgen/estrogen ratio and this somehow caused a rift in your hemispheric lateralization, which is common in the illness. In dumbshit layman's terms, your hormones fucked up and now you're a little insane. So, uh, yeah, we were just kidding about your mom.
And speaking of "uh" ...