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If the world won't acknowledge the groundbreaking new genre of music you invented, there's always money in hot dogs.

Every Soviet superplane seems like it would be an ideal home for the Jetsons.

"Oh, you wacky Soviets, with your communism and your nuclear missiles and your freaking crashed spaceships."

Just a reminder that nature is horrible, and staying inside your house is THE BEST.

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Today's yoga is a young, limber 55, naturally.

"The word 'yoga; might describe an old Hindu teaching, but then so does the word 'avatar,' and nobody's claiming that the James Cameron movie reflects an unbroken line of ancient sacred tradition."

"So should we ban cars because of drunk driving?" Well, no, brainiac. Not unless we're currently living in Death Race 2015 and vehicles are purposefully designed to disembowel people.

"Cars are for getting from one place to another, and deaths are accidents. Guns are for killing things, and deaths are their sole function. Surely not knowing what a gun is for has to disqualify someone from owning one."

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To avoid encountering Gordon Ramsay entirely, skip culinary school, grow a thicket of chest hair and sling wieners from a cart. Oh, and you'll make more than a chef.

"Executive chef salaries max out at around $87,000. Hot dog vendors across our great nation are earning an average of $100,000 a year."


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Working in a nuclear power plant, you see a lot of fresh paint and don't fear a jet crashing into the place very much. No, it's paper towels or nuts and bolts lying around that get you twitchy.

"An airliner crashing into a nuclear reactor would result only in a big pile of twisted airliner parts scattered around the lawn and a fire that would look spectacular but do nothing to affect the reactor."

This is like a saucy version of "Stop hitting yourself!" with a felonious twist!

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By 1991, Freddie Mercury, already diagnosed as HIV-positive, was in the final stages of AIDS. Queen knew Innuendo would likely be their last album with Mercury. With the help of only some vodka for his pain, Mercury turned in one of the most memorable vocals of his career in just one take.

"The Show Must Go On is a brave 'fuck you' to death from a dying man who never sounded more alive."

Sister Rosetta Tharpe was developing rock music in the 1930s and '40s, while all the other alleged "inventors" of rock were still figuring out how to eat their own boogers.

"The most fascinating thing about Sister Rosetta Tharpe isn't that she invented rock 'n' roll -- it's that nobody can admit it."

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