Video game remakes have a reputation for being a lazy way for developers to make some quick cash off an old idea, but not all of them are like that. Sometimes the creators (or re-creators) put a lot of time, care, and effort ... into completely baffling shit that totally ruins what the original was about.
So, the next time you complain about the "HD remaster" being way too similar to the classic version, remember that it's possible to go too far in the opposite direction ...
5Sonic The Hedgehog (2006) Adds Heartwarming Interspecies Romance
Pretend you don't know anything about Sonic The Hedgehog and want to learn more about this franchise (like, maybe you just ran into some Sonic erotica on DeviantArt and are suddenly intrigued). Logic says that the 2006 game Sonic The Hedgehog would be a good place to start -- it has the same name as Sonic's original 1991 game, there are no stupid gimmicks or sidekicks in sight, and the cover is just a simple image of Sega's radical mascot doing what he does best: running fast and frowning for no reason.
To be fair, his forehead is probably stuck like that by now.
So you start playing the game to find out what Sonic is all about. And what Sonic is about turns out to be ... frolicking in the grass with fancily dressed girls?
The default Windows XP wallpaper is the perfect place for tender bestiality.
Rather than sticking to the simple robot-busting formula of its namesake, this version is full of what one reviewer kindly described as "convoluted manimal melodrama." You play as Sonic and every other pointless furry friend he's ever had as they travel to Soleanna, a Venice-like magical kingdom confusingly inhabited by contemporary-looking humans. Among them is Princess Elise (voiced by the star of Christian Mingle: The Movie), a princess who has a time-travel science demon trapped inside her tears. You must move back and forth in time to save Elise, prevent the apocalypse, and hopefully stop by the meeting where this plot was decided and check if anyone is having a stroke.
Even the virtual children inhabiting the game hate what Sonic has become.
But the really disturbing part comes when Princess Elise and Sonic develop feelings for each other, leading to an interspecies make-out scene. What, you thought the creators of all that Sonic fan fiction out there were weirdos. They knew where this shit was going.
Knuckles likes to watch.
Speaking of which ...
4A Space Invaders Reboot Gives It The Gritty Sex Appeal It Always Needed
If you've been in a coma since 1978 and have never heard of Space Invaders (or if you're under 20, we guess), here's all you need to know:
Even if you've never played this, you're still hearing the
"beep" and "bop" sounds in your head right now.
That screenshot encapsulates the entire plot of the game: Aliens are coming down to invade a narrow patch of land of unknown cosmic importance, and you have to shoot pixels at them until they're all dead. How do you ruin such a straightforward concept? The answer, of course, is "by adding Adam Sandler." The other, less known but equally terrible answer is "by turning it into a gritty street-level drama."
You're not imagining "beeps" and "bops" for this one, but please do. It's hilarious.
Released a quarter of a century after the original game, Space Raiders for some strange reason took the action from space to a series of lurid ghetto streets and grimy alleyways. We can't tell if these aliens want to eradicate the human race or just sell us some premium weed. We do know that the developers were clearly smoking something a little stronger than that when they penned its plot, which involves three protagonists: a teen, a police officer who inexplicably dresses in a NASA suit, and a big-boobed fashion photographer. Can you guess which of the three got the steamy (NSFW) shower scene?
Can't blame her. We'd feel dirty for being involved in this mess too.
She just stops by her apartment while the city is being destroyed by aliens, stares sadly at a photo of her currently missing/probably dead boyfriend, and then decides this would be the perfect moment to take a hot, relaxing shower. Again, that is a cutscene that happens in a remake of Space Invaders. Presumably, if they'd gotten around to remaking Centipede in the same style, they would have felt obligated to include a full-on orgy.
Your face when you realize you're a downgrade from a green pixelated cannon.