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Crows are smart. Bats are kind. And humans are still pretty awful.

Despite being the largest part of the LGBT community, only 28 percent of bisexuals are openly out. This is, to a large degree, due to the fact that PEOPLE JUST DON'T BELIEVE THEM.

"Once they know I'm bi, it's like I'm the threesome fairy."


Crows hold grudges, conspire with one another, and have regional dialects even though -- NEWS FLASH -- there is no crow language.

"If you've ever fucked with a crow, even if it was just the one time, decades ago, his children might be out there right now, plotting bloody revenge against you."


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Whoever killed or abducted the Sodder children was a planner, right down to cutting the phone lines and disabling the family truck.

"In light of all the bizarre circumstances of the tragedy, the Sodder family remembered that, some time before the fire, they were visited by two strangers making not-very-veiled threats about their house burning down and their kids dying."


If you're flailing your censorship arms over Apple disappearing Confederate flags from its app store, where were you when it dumped a satirical sweatshop game?

"I will never fight to make it illegal for you to be racist, and say your racist stuff, and have your adorable little racist blog where you racist it up all day. I'd just rather you didn't pretend you cared about free speech while you did it."


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It's the candy shell that makes Skittles work so well as a frozen treat. When you put the candy in your mouth, that shell crackles like Pop Rocks. And if that's a sensation you don't enjoy, you're dead inside.

"Sure, frozen yogurt shops have been pushing gummy bears as a topping for decades, but the only weirdos who take them up on it are in the same minority of lunatics who enjoy pineapple on pizza."


ISIS formed inside the pressure cooker of the U.S. detention Camp Bucca. In 2011, money stopped flowing to other terrorists who were keeping it from exploding all over Iraq and the region. Now here were are.

"Suddenly, a bunch of violent assholes -- who had plenty of time to plan during their stint in prison together -- found themselves at the head of around 30,000 active fighters."


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