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Some bleak stuff this week, guys. But we suppose it's to be expected. When Donald Trump once again burst forth from his hibernation pustule, there was bound to be a rancid splatter all over our collective psyche.

You can now keep multiple desktops! But it may very well come at a terrible, terrible price.

"The most polarizing feature of Windows 10 will almost certainly be its soundtrack, an unceasing medley of children singing playground songs, as if from a great distance."


Our source went to the far reaches of the Dark Web, where she witnessed an endlessly raging Eyes Wide Shut party for child molesters - complete with masks supplied by an anonymizing service.

"7axxn is a community of 'over 90,000' registered users, filled with gigabyte after gigabyte of child pornography, which is easily the most depressing set of statistics ever recorded."


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Desperation is a Vitamin K-rich leafy green: grease-spiraling McDonald's is shoving kale into some of their breakfast items.

"In a world where nobody has money, fewer and fewer want to plunk down $15 to $20 on a plate of spaghetti or trout they could easily prepare themselves without a gaggle of stoned teenagers as the middleman."


Get ready, Star-Lord, they're coming for you in Jurassic Universe.

"Evidence shows that they were simply too large to have effectively grabbed prey and flown off with it. Oh, is that not comforting? That the bird monster's only problem was being too fucking gargantuan to fly away with your corpse after it killed you?"


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HBO thankfully spared us from Daenerys's drawn-out, explosive diarrhea scene after she hightails it out on the back of her dragon.

"After escaping the fighting pits in the most badass way possible, finally giving readers what they've been waiting to see for two flipping decades, Dany lands in a field and immediately begins shitting herself inside-out. We are in no way kidding."

Telling depressed children that this is the most carefree they will ever be in their lives is terrible advertising for not killing yourself. Just a heads-up, adults.

"A lot of adults just flat-out refuse to take the emotions of children seriously. And, OK, kids cry over a lot of dumb things, sure. However, there's a difference between crying over One Direction breaking up and crying because you want to rip off your own skin to get away from yourself and you don't understand why."


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In 2002, Siemens filed papers with the U.S. Patent and Trademark office to use the name "Zyklon" for a series of home appliances, including gas ovens. "Zyklon B" was, of course, the pesticide used in the gas chambers at Auschwitz. After an outcry, they decided not to go forward with those plans.

"Already today you've used at least one product from a company that, at one time, worked for the Nazis."


Brandon Swanson was talking on the phone to his Dad after crashing into a ditch on a gravel road in Middle of F@cking Nowhere, Minnesota. Brandon yelled, "Oh shit!" Then Brandon vanished without a trace.

"If this was a found-footage film we'd get a blurry conclusion featuring a psychobilly chainsaw killer or a monster not worth the hype. But in real life people don't actually keep their camera on when they're scared, so we may never know what was 'oh shit' worthy."


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Donald Trump took out (and never repaid) a $380 million loan from 22 banks, just to turn planes into flying golden toilets.

"Donald Trump is the most public asshole since Goatse and has done even more degrading things for fame."


Comedy, of any sort, is usually a byproduct of a tumor that grows on the human soul. Find a comedian, and you'll usually find somebody who had a shitty childhood.

"You soon learned that being funny builds a perfect, impenetrable wall around you -- a buffer that keeps anyone from getting too close and realizing how much you suck."


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