There are some annoyances everyone with a kitchen has to learn to live with, like pasta sticking to the bottom of the pot or onions making you cry (because onions murdered your family). But that's just part of being an independent adult, right?
"Fuuuck that noise!" screams modern science, frothing at the mouth and guzzling bath salts like Fun Dip. For right now, a whole slew of mad scientists -- mad with flavor -- are concocting wackadoo solutions for the myriad inconveniences holding us back from realizing humankind's true obesity.
5 Electroshock Steaks
It's well-known to every half-starved college student that the cheaper you are when it comes to buying red meat, the closer its consistency will be to a brick of chewing gum. There's a good reason for that: Only about 10 percent of the animal that gave its life for your sandwich has those tender and delicious muscles everyone likes, so naturally the providers will always charge us more for meat that doesn't remind you of a yoga mat. Scientists in New Zealand are adding a new ingredient that will change that, though.
Dr. Alaa El-Din Bekhit
The new taste sensation is called "a shit-ton of electricity."
Since the '70s, New Zealand has been zapping fresh cuts of beef with low-voltage currents to fend off the posthumous oxidization that generally renders meat brown and chewy upon refrigeration. Originally, this technique was used on only a few muscles, but like in any successful scientific venture, the next step was to turn it up to 11 -- or to 25,000, since that's the amount of volts researchers recently decided to start testing on meat. And shoc-- uh, surprisingly (pun averted), it worked. By exposing meats to Soviet interrogation techniques, Kiwi scientists at Otago University achieved a 25-percent improvement in tenderization rates. Nobel Prize, anyone?
One day, every steak in the world will have been fucked by a robot.
This current renaissance in meat electrocution has inspired experimentation, and even the toughest cuts of meat can be made more palatable with a little electric boogaloo. Converting the 90 percent of the animal carcass that was previously doomed to tasting like butt could revolutionize the meat industry. Plus, steak with a side of electricity would be the most badass meal ever conceived.
In theory, there should be no negative side effects whatsoever of the electrically-tenderized meat, but the researchers haven't been able to taste-test it yet (as they've all been presumably too busy down at the records office arguing who gets to change his or her name to "Oxshocker Odinson").
4 Allergy-Free Peanuts Are A Reality
Modern society has a huge hard-on for peanuts. People use the highly nutritious treats to prevent birth defects, shave, and even for eating. This, of course, is a bit of an inconvenience for the 2.8 million Americans who are allergic to the unassuming legume. If you're not one of the chosen people, then imagine how much fun it would be to know that you're always one careless waiter away from going from 1990 Val Kilmer to 2010 Val Kilmer in mere seconds ... or, you know, dying. You can die from eating a tiny thing everyone loves. Thanks a lot, evolution.
mario loiselle/E+/Getty Images
Everyone who dies from a peanut allergy is entitled to kick God in the nuts once. It's in the Bible.
But what could we possibly do to fix this? Create hypoallergenic peanuts, somehow? Well, yeah. It's fucking 2015. We can do anything (except invent hover cars).
Scientists at North Carolina A&T University are playing culinary wingman for everyone who's ever been bullied by that monocle-wearing asshole. See, the allergic reaction that reduces your body to hives and snot is triggered by a variety of peanut-centric proteins. This is actually a blessing in disguise, since shutting down proteins is a relatively easy procedure: The researchers simply soaked peanuts in an enzyme that smashes through proteins' cell walls and wrecks shit like a tiny Juggernaut. This reduced the allergic quality of peanuts by freaking 98-100 percent, with no other side effects. Frankly, it's kind of embarrassing that no one gave enough of a shit to try this until now.
North Carolina Agricultural and Technical State University
Finally, millions will know the joy of getting a little chunk stuck between your teeth.
The researchers already confirmed the process works by testing these super-peanuts on humans through skin-prick tests, because presumably none of the volunteers liked PB&J (or knew what that was). What's more, peanuts are only the first step in the grand plan to conquer the hell out of food allergens, and other tree nuts are now in the crosshairs. The researchers are also tackling wheat allergies and finding success using the same enzymatic process. Still no word on hyperallergenic foods for espionage and stealth-killing ventures, but we'll get there. Again: 2015, motherfuckers.