Fans of George R.R. Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire series have had to wait a very, very long time in between each installment, because writing 1,000-page fantasy books is time-consuming and Martin could give two honey-glazed ham-shits about the fans who are demanding he rush the job. So, devotees of the novels and the Game of Thrones TV series are forced to sit around for years, coming up with their own theories about what bizarre twists are still waiting to be unleashed on our fragile brains.
According to the laws of the Internet, some of these theories are utterly insane, yet so well thought out that they can't be dismissed out of hand. So, we're left with a mix of predictions ranging from plausible to utterly baffling, and any of them could be true. SPOILERS AHEAD! And we mean spoilers for the series and books up to now, and for possible upcoming bombshells:
#6. Bran Stark Is a Time Traveler (and Possessed Jaime to Throw Bran's Past Self Out of a Window)
The first episode of the Game of Thrones HBO series ends with a cliffhanger that was both the most shocking moment of the episode and the precise moment most fans got hooked: The young son of doomed hero Ned Stark, Bran, gets shoved out of a tower window after peeping on a round of vigorous incest.
Later, the puppet-legged Bran Stark discovers he has a whole host of magical mind powers, including the ability to see his father in the past. He is told he can only visit the past and not influence it, but Bran also has an even mightier super power: He can take control of people and animals for brief periods of time. So, who's to say he couldn't beam his psychic brain meat into someone else's head while on one of his time-hopping sojourns? Because, if so, that unlocks some pretty weird possibilities.
Such as riding a guy with a physique like Shaq and the vocabulary of a Pokemon.
Our favorite is this fan theory posted by a Reddit user, in which a Future Bran is living in a version of Westeros that has been completely destroyed, perhaps overrun by ice zombies. Through his mental time-traveling abilities, he is able to see an alternate future in which everything turns out (more or less) OK and pinpoint the exact moment in the past when the two realities split: The day he catches Jaime and Cersei up in the broken tower of Winterfell, making each other more nieces and nephews. In his version of the future, Bran was never crippled, and a whole alternate (worse) history played out instead.
So, he Quantum Leaps into Jaime and throws himself out of the tower, crippling himself and tipping the first domino in the series of events we're all familiar with. Of course, it's entirely possible that George R.R. Martin will read this and then have Bran be eaten by a Sharknado in Book 6 just to spite us.
And while we're looking at crazy time travel possibilities ...
#5. Daenerys Is a Time Traveler Who Goes Back to Warn Herself (in Disguise)
Remember Quaithe, that creepy masked lady Daenerys meets in Qarth who spits a bunch of vague psychic wisdom like Yoda in a gimp mask?
Also, she hangs out painting naked dudes because, you know, HBO.
We don't know much about her, other than the fact that she seems to be deeply invested in Daenerys for no apparent reason. Theories abound as to who she is, the most interesting being that she's actually Daenerys. From the future.
Think about it: When Daenerys arrives in Qarth, Quaithe immediately knows about the dangers awaiting her there and warns her. When Daenerys asks her to elaborate, Quaithe cryptically responds, "To go north, you must go south. To reach the west, you must go east. To go forward you must go back, and to touch the light you must pass beneath the shadow." If you insert "in time" after "back," it pretty much spells it out.
Which makes Daario GoT's Jennifer Parker.
There's more -- Daenerys' skin tingles after Quaithe touches her (like the temporal paradox that melts Ron Silver's character in Timecop), and one of her companions bitterly refers to Quaithe as the "spawn of shadows," implying that she may have already "passed beneath the shadow" herself (either that, or that guy was just super racist). Besides, she must have some reason for hiding her face, unless she got splashed with acid by a Gotham City kingpin or has hideously aggressive facial hair.
#4. Roose Bolton Is an Ancient Skin-Stealing Vampire
George R.R. Martin likes to put his own spin on horror tropes like zombies, werewolves, sea monsters, and even Frankenstein's monster (keep your eye on The Mountain, all you folks who haven't read the books). Know what's conspicuously missing from that list? Vampires. Unless you count Roose Bolton, who, according to one fan theory, is totally a vampire.
Roose, the dead-eyed turncloak who sold out the Starks to the Freys and Lannisters, loves to skin people. His freaking sigil is the flayed man. Some fans think this predilection stems from a need to skin his enemies and wear their human pelts as disguises to conceal his eternal life.
Or he's secretly repping House Goodbody.
The theory goes: Roose is secretly the son of the Night's King, waging a multi-generational war against the Starks and their werewolf-ish powers. His penchant for leeching could even be explained by his clandestine vampirism, as the living dead tend to have poor circulation and this would prevent blood from pooling in his hands, feet, and groin drapes.
Keep in mind -- the Game of Thrones universe has already established that cured skin can be used to magically take on the appearance of another person. Add to that the fact that Roose is described almost as if he's wearing a mask -- "Only his eyes moved; they were very pale, the color of ice." -- and it all starts to add up to Dracula. Plus, there's little mention of Roose's ancestors in the books, which is unusual considering the fact that each volume contains a 100-page appendix laboriously detailing the family trees of each of the named houses of Westeros. Maybe Roose's only has one branch because he's been tooling around the five kingdoms for centuries. It sure would explain why he keeps his psychotic son Ramsay around.
Or it could be that even ghoulish, backstabbing murderers still enjoy someone who can make a good dick joke.
And, if you somehow were able to wrap your head around that one, try this shit on for size ...