#3. Super Mario RPG -- Princess Peach's XXX Secret
In 1996, Super Mario RPG gave players unprecedented freedom to explore the Mushroom Kingdom in lavish 3D graphics (at least until Super Mario 64 came out four months later and instantly made it look ancient). For example, no other Mario game to date allowed you to go right into the private chamber of Princess Peach, aka Toadstool, look behind her fireplace, and find her ... uh ...
"What an oddly shaped mushroom."
OK, that's awkward. No one's sure what the "???" item is (you're immediately forced to return it), but considering how well it's hidden, how flustered the princess gets when you bring it up, and how the original Japanese version calls it "Peach's XXX," we're assuming it rhymes with "bildo."
But maybe we're reading too much into what was meant to be an innocent joke. Maybe the game's writers aren't all sex-obsessed maniacs who slip inappropriate stuff into family-friendly games. It's not like they created a boss with massive boobs that wobble every time you hit h-
This is what getting motorboated by the invisible man looks like.
Dear God, it's like Mario wandered into a swingers' nightclub. Apparently Super Mario RPG's developers decided that if there's one thing that positively screams "Mario villain," it's freakishly large, broad-chested, alcohol-sipping older women who fly around with tiny, hovering crescent moons. They even took the time to animate the precise motions of her jiggling gazongas, presumably through careful study of old Baywatch tapes.
Once again, looking at the Japanese version provides insight into the character: In the U.S. she's called Valentina, but originally her name was Margarita, no doubt inspired by what the developers were drinking when they came up with this scene. We're not sure if she's shaking because of the hits or if she's just tipsy.
"Careful, Mario! There's a beverage here."
#2. The Adventures of Willy Beamish -- The Erotic School Nurse
The Adventures of Willy Beamish is an early '90s graphic adventure game about an elementary school kid, sort of like an edgier version of Arthur's Teacher Trouble. As in most games of the genre, you spend the bulk of the time gathering objects and rubbing them up against every part of the scenery in the hopes of accidentally doing something right.
But if that sounds boring, you can just play the alternate mode and rub yourself.
They considered using that as the game's tagline.
The game is clearly aimed at a younger audience, but there are some sultry bits of innuendo at play that show that the developers might have been thinking with their willies when they created it. For starters, Willy's pet toad is called Horny. This isn't accidental, judging by the scene where an excited Horny jumps into Willy's older sister's bath, as Willy threatens to have the toad "jump her."
The placement of your hands suggests otherwise, Willy.
However, by far the most inappropriately erotic moment arrives early on in the game, when Willy pretends to be ill and is told to visit the school nurse. One of the other boys in Willy's class seems pretty enthusiastic about Willy's little trip down the hallway, and we soon find out why: The school nurse looks like she just dropped by on her way from a porno shoot.
To be fair, Willy maintained his gaze for a lot longer than we did.
Not only are her breasts impractically large, but they seem to point in wildly contrasting directions, like a pair of divining rods detecting water from opposite corners of the room. While it's forgivable that Willy, a young man at the onset of puberty, would find it hard to restrain himself from sneaking a peek at this gorgeous woman's ta-tas, the trajectory of her gaze is a little ... well, worrying. Add that to the fact that she seems disappointed that there's nothing wrong with Willy, and someone should really call child protective services.
She was really hoping to grope that Willy a little longer.
#1. Freshly-Picked Tingle's Rosy Rupee Land -- Implied Man-Fairy Sex
The Legend of Zelda games have featured dozens of unsightly monster bosses, zombie enemies that hug you to death, and ghouls that live inside toilets, among other atrocities ... and yet, the most unnerving thing in the entire series is still Tingle, the grown man who thinks he's a forest fairy.
"YO, HEAR ME OUT! Did I do that right?"
For God knows what reason, Nintendo decided it was a good idea to give this guy a game with a name almost as annoying as his face: Freshly-Picked Tingle's Rosy Rupeeland. To its credit, the game was for the most part just another Zelda adventure, including the parts where you run around collecting rupees, exploring dungeons, fighting enemies, and getting sexual favors from Amazonian fairy girls ...
Toward the end of the game, you'll rescue a pink lingerie-wearing she-fairy about Arnold Schwarzenegger's size who's quick to "reward" Tingle for his bravery. Great, so does she give Tingle some rupees? Maybe she turns him into a real fairy? Uh, quite the opposite, actually. Tingle nervously approaches her, but she asks him to get his butt even closer, until he's almost being suffocated by her cleavage.
"Pay no mind to all the saliva, Link just rescued me earlier."
Without warning, Tingle's backpack balloon spontaneously inflates, mercifully obscuring the two from the player's view just before the lady instructs him to "Enjoy!" At this point, and as hearts flash across the screen, you hear Tingle let out a series of howls of deep sexual gratification that will haunt us to our graves.
You should feel glad GIFs don't have sound.
This goes on for about 15 seconds, which is impressive stamina for a first timer, and when Tingle's balloon shrinks down, the lady is magically gone (turns out she was a real fairy) -- but not before leaving a hologram of herself in Tingle's house so that "If you feel lonely, you'll always have company!" Tingle then goes on to fight the final boss with a renewed energy and a slightly different outlook on life.
As soon as he steps out, the soundtrack changes to "You Make My Dreams Come True."
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For more perverts who invaded our youths' imaginations, check out 5 Inappropriate Children's Versions of Famous Hit Songs and 5 Grossly Inappropriate Jokes on Kids' Comic Book Covers.
Look, the game designers stuck these sexy moments in for a reason. Let their creepy work be known by clicking the Facebook "share" button below.