We tend to forget that the people who made the classic games of our youth were gamers themselves, just like you or us -- and just like you (but not us), they were also big pervs. Since most of these games were made before instant Internet porn became a thing, some of the developers had to express their most basic desires anywhere they could ... like, for example, in some innocent children's game.
That's the only reason we can think of for why they went out of their way to slip in saucy stuff like ...
#6. Ratchet & Clank 2 -- Spontaneous Boob Enlargement
We're not sure if anyone's noticed this, but female characters in video games are getting more and more voluptuous as time goes by -- if Ms. Pac-Man came out today, she'd have knockers the size of her head. Well, the makers of Ratchet & Clank (a rated-E-to-T platformer series starring a talking cat and his robot pal) took a rather literal approach to this trope. Let's just say that if anyone ever found out how to make this Easter egg real, every plastic surgeon in California would go bankrupt.
At one point in Ratchet & Clank 2, you stumble across a hoverboard race hosted by a curvy green-skinned alien. On your first encounter, Miss Alien Host looks like this:
"If you see William Shatner, tell him he owes me alimony."
If for whatever reason the pivotal chase scene from Back to the Future 2 wasn't enough to prompt you to immediately sign up for some high-octane fun, you could just linger in front of the host and begin repeatedly performing elaborate side-flips.
Behold: The Legendary Canadian Courtship Dance!
Who knows what sort of sad, strange, and undoubtedly mentally misaligned individual originally felt this odd performance was worth a go, but as it just so happens, this bizarre display will not go unrewarded. You see, the more you perform gymnastic stunts in front of her, the more the female alien's breasts will inexplicably inflate.
"So, boobs basically work just like penises, right?"
"Uh ... yeah, man. I've totally touched some."
By the time you finish your steamy workout and finally stop to take a glance at what your Olympic performance has yielded, you'll realize you've garnished the poor creature with a monstrously large bosom. Thankfully, she seems happy enough about it, though we can't imagine that the intense balancing act that just became her everyday life will do much for her sports career.
At least if she falls off the hoverboard, her landing will be automatically cushioned.
And for those who already rushed to Amazon and can only find the HD remake of this game: Don't worry, they left the big-boobs trick untouched, because of course they did.
#5. Kirby's Dream Land 2 -- There's a Naked Lady Hidden in Plain Sight
The Kirby titles are probably among the most innocent video games of all time: You play as a sexless pink puffball who bounces around, sucking up enemies and absorbing their powers. There's really not much room for sexual misinterpretation in this series, unless you've got some kind of vore fetish.
This didn't stop some anonymous developer from sneaking what appears to be a blocky portrait of a naked woman into the secret level 5-5 of Kirby's Dream Land 2 ... and we have the hot pics to prove it. You enter the stage and immediately notice that the blocks at the top resemble a smiley face:
You can thank millions of years of human evolution for this ability.
Then you drop down, and right under the face you spot a strange configuration of obstacles that could easily be misinterpreted as a pair of boobs:
Judging by those rock-hard boulders, it must be getting chilly there.
But surely that's all in your perverted imagination and not in the wholesome minds of the professionals who lovingly created this classic children's game. You descend a little further and see a lone block that could stand for a stomach:
Got some lint there.
And then, what are the odds, below that you see what looks like a giant letter "Y" with a somewhat strangely positioned enemy stuck in a place where it couldn't possibly hurt Kirby -- why, it's almost like someone intentionally put it there to represent something else that's black and fuzzy ...
Someone isn't a natural redhead.
... or, you know, they definitely put it there for that purpose, because when you look at the whole thing together, it's pretty obvious that all the sexy pieces of this erotic jigsaw puzzle intentionally form a crude drawing of a naked lady. Since the game was originally played on tiny Game Boy screens, it was apparently not until a Japanese strategy guide showed the map to the level that players realized what was prompting all those unexplained boners.
She seems pretty happy to have Kirby going down on her.
It's not exactly a Penthouse centerfold, but it's still impressive to see what this one-handed artist managed to do with such limited tools at his disposal. We salute you.
#4. Banjo-Kazooie Series -- Pornographic Geography and Seamen Puns
The original Banjo-Kazooie for N64 isn't a particularly challenging game: You control a lovable, happy-go-lucky bear and his wise-cracking bird companion as they go around the forest picking up polygons. However, plenty of kids used to go out of their way to die just to feel that tingling sensation in their pants whenever they saw this "game over" screen:
Whenever you run out of lives, you see that short cutscene with the villain of the story transforming into a green-skinned babe (what's with the green fixation, developers?), but the most important part is the way she talks -- all the characters in the game communicate through adorable gibberish, but her unique brand of nonsense sounds like an electric piano tone made out of porn star orgasms.
Still, that's pretty tame compared to the sequel, Banjo-Tooie, which is a much harder game ... in every sense. If you fly to the top of the world in the dinosaur-themed level, Terrydactyland, you'll notice a Ron Jeremy-sian sight below:
"Life, uh, finds a way."
Yep, the lush landscape you've been carelessly frolicking in is actually a giant green penis (seriously, stop it with the green fetish) that appears to be shooting some sort of substance. What could that be? Another part of the game gives us a good indication -- at one point you meet a character called Jolly the Frog, who is as gay as a '90s Nintendo game could possibly make a character without having him come out and say it.
"It's not fabulous being green."
If you go to his inn, you'll meet Jolly's cross-dressing partner, who asks you to drop in Wednesday for the ever-popular Grab-a-Sailor Night.
We haven't gotten to the inappropriate part yet. That would be this:
"Get it while it's still liquid!"
"Seaman's brew"? Seriously? Thank goodness that's not the only thing on the menu.
Somehow, "toad in the hole" sounds even dirtier.