Oh god, it finally happened: You accidentally stumbled outside. This is where nature keeps all the terrifying snakes, spiders, and spider-snakes we've been telling you about for years. Quick, look around: Do you see any animals? If so, just run. Soil yourself -- they might not like the taste. Oh, it's all clear? What about plants? Don't laugh, plants can be every bit as soul-scarring as animals. Anything touched by the sinister hand of Mother Nature is not to be trusted. Evidence:
#7. The Sundew
Siegfried Hartmeyer via National Geographic
That's Drosera glanduligera, and it doesn't seem too bad. Until you see it in action.
Siegfried Hartmeyer via YouTube
This is at five times normal speed. The plant moves slowly so the full horror of the fly's imminent death has time to sink in.
The sundew feeds on any insects unfortunate enough to step on those leaves you (barely) see around the edges of the plant. The leaves are spring-loaded and shaped so that they fling the insect directly into the center. Where a nest of sticky tentacles awaits. The tentacles then unfurl like a vegan hentai flick and physically pull the insect to its doom.
Siegfried Hartmeyer via YouTube
"Bet you can't eat just one!"
It is a real-life goddamn Sarlacc. And in case you were wondering: Yes, obviously this thing is from Australia.
#6. Dead Man's Fingers
Xylaria polymorpha is what happens when the characters from Plants vs. Zombies decide to put aside their differences and start boning. Appropriately known as dead man's fingers, this fungus hands down (sorry) wins the award for "most likely to crawl out of the ground and strangle your family in the middle of the night."
Strangle if they're lucky.
Please note that, due to its fungal nature, Xylaria polymorpha feeds on dead and decaying matter, so don't turn to your buxom hiking date and be all, "Don't worry, that's just a fungus. There are no corpses here." Because you know the corpses are totally just waiting for you to say that so they can jump out at the most perfectly ironic moment.
#5. Monkey Orchids
Ron Parsons via National Geographic
And now, here's a monkey ripping through space-time, about to lunge for your throat through the portal between worlds.
Or it's a flower that kind of looks like a different thing. Whatever -- we prefer the narrative of Dr. Monkiarty, arch-villain from the Primate Dimension.
Monkey orchids are found in the rainforests of Ecuador and Peru. For whatever reason, they're also known as Dracula orchids, because whoever's in charge of naming South American plants has never met a goddamn Dracula, apparently.
Based on Vlad the Impaler's lesser-known brother, Igor the Poo-Flinger.
Seriously, you saw a whole fleet of Imperial Shuttles with monkey faces and you thought "vampire"? You're fucking fired, Arturo.
No, we don't care that you have kids.
Well, you should've thought of that before you failed to come up with "Imperial Monkeyship Orchids," or whatever.
#4. Hooker's Lips
De Agostini/Getty Images
Few things are more unnerving than a human body part just dangling from a branch in front of your face. But when said body parts are wearing goddamn makeup and making kissy faces at you, well, that's when nature is clearly just fucking with you before she sends the wolves in.
Psychotria elata is native to South American countries such as Colombia, Ecuador, Costa Rica, and Panama. However, few locals refer to it by its scientific name. Instead, they prefer to call it hooker's lips, because, well, look at it. The bright red color and pouty-lipped shape of the flowers are actually meant to attract pollinators such as hummingbirds. Apparently women wearing red lipstick in hummingbird country are in danger of choking on tiny birds mistaking their mouths for food sources.