5 Historical Figures Who Made James Bond Look Like a Pussy

#2. The Duke of Wellington Slept With Napoleon's Sister, Girlfriends

Robert Alexander Hillingford.

Sir Arthur Wellesley, First Duke of Wellington, was the man who stood up against Napoleon Bonaparte -- twice -- and kicked his ass in the Battle of Waterloo. But the rivalry between Wellesley and Napoleon went further than the battlefield. He had a more personal way of sticking it to his nemesis. By personally sticking it to Napoleon's sister.

Marie-Guillemine Benoist
He showed Pauline his Bonaparte.

The Ballsiness:

After Wellesley helped defeat Napoleon, Parliament appointed him the British ambassador to France, a move most historians refer to as "rubbing it in." Wellesley's immediate instinct was to use his new position to fuck with Napoleon like the villain in an '80s teen movie. First, he appointed Napoleon's head chef as his own -- despite having no interest in the culinary arts. Wellesley's fine palate was once described by the good Lord Ellesmere as "scarcely [able to] tell rancid butter from fresh."

Thomas Lawrence
This wasn't a dig at his taste in women. We think.

Wellesley started planning numerous trips to the emperor's hunting lodge, dragging various Bonapartes behind him. Just to rub it in that he could. His face was a common feature in the Bonaparte household, until he eventually planted it firmly in Pauline Bonaparte's vagina.

Pauline was supposedly more comfortable out of her clothes than in them, and she shared a close relationship with Wellesley. His pet name for her was "heartless little devil." He called on her several times, and eventually he even purchased her home, which is shockingly not an aristocratic euphemism. Now, to be fair, the history books don't specifically state that they did the horizontal mambo, but they're clear on two things: One, that Pauline was inclined to screw everything that moved, and two, that Wellesley commissioned a topless portrait of her that he hung above his bed. Dang, it's not enough to rail his sister, you post the nudes above your bed?

At61/Wiki Commons
C'mon, dude. What's your next conquest going to think?

And that's not even the extent of Wellesley's sexual rampage. He went on to sleep with not one, but two of the emperor's ex-girlfriends, Josephina and Georgina, both of whom considered the duke to be the superior lover. History doesn't mention whether he ever banged Napoleon's mom, but we are forced to assume he at least tried.

#1. Caesar Demanded a Higher Ransom From His Kidnappers

Michal Manas

Julius Caesar doesn't need an introduction. But here's one anyway: He was Julius Fucking Caesar.

Lionel-Noël Royer
Bow down, bitches.

The Ballsiness:

According to Plutarch, Julius Caesar was sailing off the coast of Spain when he was waylaid by pirates and taken hostage. Evidently not realizing who their captive was, the pirates demanded 20 talents of silver for his return. This is the point at which a normal person would be peeing while adding up all the love in their life, hoping it meets or exceeds that sum. Caesar laughed at the demand and insisted that the pirates stop insulting him and raise the bounty to 50 talents. The pirates shrugged and agreed, so Caesar dispatched some of his slaves to collect the money.

But while he was waiting, he spent the next month screwing with the pirates. When Caesar went to sleep, he would demand silence; while the pirates were messing about, he would get up and start issuing orders; and when he got bored, Caesar would read them poetry. If they displayed anything less than overwhelming enthusiasm, he would "jokingly" threaten to have them crucified. The pirates thought Caesar was hilarious.

jesuskindofmusic/iStock/Getty Images
"Ha, ha, nails in my hands! Classic Julius."

After 38 days, Caesar's slaves returned with the silver and he was released. If Caesar was any other human being ever, that would be the end of the story, but unfortunately for the pirates, he was indeed Julius Fucking Caesar, and so he returned later with a full Roman fleet and crucified every single one of those guys.

Listen, when Caesar tries to rhyme "orange" with "porridge," you keep your mouth shut and clap when he's finished.


David Rheinhart is a hobbyist and storyteller unwilling to acknowledge that this thankless profession doesn't pay. He has a Twitter account and a Tumblr account where he dumps the majority of his work.

For more people with balls that could deflect bullets, check out 5 Real Life Soldiers Who Make Rambo Look Like a Pussy and 5 Soldiers Whose Horrific Injuries Only Made Them Angry.

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