#2. Ambushing Hungry Students to Rate Titties
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It's a truth universally acknowledged that, for college-age boys, the two most important things in their hierarchy of needs are food and boobs. But science wants to explore this deeper -- namely, how does being hungry affect your love of boobs?
Not at all, if you're more of a leg man.
Some researchers at the University of Westminster sought to answer this hard-hitting question by asking students either entering or exiting the campus dining hall whether they would mind stepping over here and looking at these boobs for a minute. After signing "informed consent" paperwork in which they were presumably informed what breasts are and consented to being exposed to them, students were shown a series of pictures of boobies and asked to rate how attractive they found each pair.
Of all the things that are worth delaying dinner for, the chance to ogle some boobs would have to be way up there. The study nabbed 65 participants as they were headed to dinner and a further 58 who had just eaten but were nevertheless keen to indulge in a dessert of breasticles.
Once the researchers were no longer semi-hard and the results were collated, they found that hunger does indeed appear to affect the way men think about boobs. Specifically, the hungrier they are, the more they prioritize bigger funbags over smaller ones. Scientists theorize that it might have something to do with the way we're genetically prone to associate bigger breasts with being more well-fed, and so when a hungry man sees large boobs, it's kind of like seeing the Golden Arches in the middle of the Sahara.
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"Large fry, extra salt. Sure glad to be out of that heat."
The study was compelling enough that the researchers managed to convince the powers that be that it warranted more investigation, and thus to fund a trip to Borneo to investigate the phenomenon with even hungrier people. That's how a group of scientists were able to score a titty-watching assignment and a free holiday. Or, as we like to call it, doing science right.
#1. Showing a Crowded Lecture Hall Your Erection...For Science!
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Giles Brindley was a British physiologist who had a particular fascination with urology (aka dick studies). Before Viagra and drugs of more questionable efficacy sold through spam email, Brindley was a pioneer in the field of chemically induced erections and was instrumental in the discovery of several drugs that, when mainlined into his dong, could turn it harder than adamantium.
Urological Sciences Research Foundation
"I'm the best there is at who I do, and who I do is oh-so-nice."
As you would probably expect from a man who dedicated his life's work to measuring dick hardness, Brindley was also more than a little eccentric, as evidenced by a famously out-of-the-box lecture he conducted in 1983.
Brindley held the seminar, hosted in Las Vegas, to show the results of his research into bitchin' rock-hard erections, and the audience was already a little suspicious when he turned up to the lecture in a pair of sweatpants, as though he'd just crawled out of bed and wasn't sure where he was. Soon he revealed that, like any number of Spider-Man's rogues gallery, he'd been testing the chemical concoctions (concocktions?) on himself.
Whenever Spidey battles Doctor Dong, Mary Jane insists on tagging along.
The audience was then treated to a number of images of Brindley's own penis in differing stages of hardness, blown up to Godzilla-dick proportions through a slide projector. But this only foreshadowed the true horror -- when it came time to reveal his latest miracle drug, he declared that he'd injected himself with it in his hotel room immediately before the presentation, and that he was still standing at full salute.
To illustrate, he dropped his sweatpants and revealed to everyone the glory of his fully engorged science boner.
Now we know why Beakman had a new girl in his lab every other season.
Apparently misinterpreting the audience's expressions of stunned disbelief for polite curiosity, Brindley invited them to "confirm the degree of tumescence" of his rigid old-man member, and shuffled toward the audience, pants at his ankles, dick swinging proudly like a pendulum of horror.
Only after several women in the front row screamed did he realize that he'd badly miscalculated the mood of the room, and he abruptly hitched up his pants and terminated the lecture. We assume this was probably the most attention anyone's ever paid to a science lecture.
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