As we've pointed out before, science has been forced to conduct some pretty depraved experiments in the name of furthering the march of knowledge. Human sexuality is a complicated thing, and in the name of research sometimes you just have to roll up your sleeves and get down and dirty. As in the following ridiculously awkward studies:
5Testing Whether or Not Women Are Into Bangin' Monkeys
Some of the most famous research ever conducted on human sexuality was that of Alfred Kinsey, who published a landmark series of studies into what turns men on sexually. Though groundbreaking, Kinsey's studies dealt mainly with the question of men's sexuality, and Canadian scientist Meredith Chivers of Queen's University, Ontario, wanted to investigate the other end of the gender spectrum. Apparently, part of her study focused on the question of how badly the average woman would want to fuck a monkey.
Turn-ons include gorillas in the mist -- not the movie.
The study targeted a range of human sexual configurations -- straight men, gay men, straight women, and lesbians -- and hooked them up to a device called a photoplethysmogram, which sounds incredibly technical, but basically just measures how DTF your naughty bits are at a given time, which would probably do great on the retail market.
"So I just tried this thing and it said I'm at 150 percent. I could really use your number right about now."
After that, the study participants were shown a variety of porn -- gay, lesbian, straight, and just naked people walking along a beach like it ain't no thing -- and were asked about how turned on they were by each individual video. Of course, because they were also hooked up to the genital equivalent of a lie detector, their "honest" answers were measured against the horrid truth. The results were about what you would expect for men and lesbians -- gay men were aroused by gay sex, lesbians by lesbian sex, straight men by heterosexual sex. Straight women showed varying degrees of arousal during all of the iterations. But that wasn't the most interesting part ...
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Shockingly, Amish porn did nothing for the Amish.
Because scientists are just the academically qualified version of trolls, the researchers had an ace up their sleeve -- along with the regular human porn that the participants had expected, they included footage of bonobo apes fully going at it. In addition, because the natural sound on the videos didn't fully convey the extent of the apes' enthusiasm, the videos were overlaid with sound effects of apes getting each other off like porn stars in a cheap Brazzers clip.
As you could imagine, when asked about how aroused they were by explicit ape sex, everyone responded hell to the fuck no. But the photoplethysmogram said otherwise -- men of either orientation were pretty much unimpressed by the bonobos, but the women were betrayed by science, displaying "strong and swift" genital arousal in response to seeing apes make the beast with two backs.
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If your wife insists on watching Planet of the Apes over and over again, now you know why.
So science has finally answered the age-old question of whether women are more turned on by primate intercourse than men are, and the answer is a resounding yes. We can probably expect further investigation with lemurs, alligators, and armadillos until either the funding runs out or they get through all the animals, whichever comes first.