The 5 Perviest Scientific Studies Ever Published

As we've pointed out before, science has been forced to conduct some pretty depraved experiments in the name of furthering the march of knowledge. Human sexuality is a complicated thing, and in the name of research sometimes you just have to roll up your sleeves and get down and dirty. As in the following ridiculously awkward studies:

#5. Testing Whether or Not Women Are Into Bangin' Monkeys

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Some of the most famous research ever conducted on human sexuality was that of Alfred Kinsey, who published a landmark series of studies into what turns men on sexually. Though groundbreaking, Kinsey's studies dealt mainly with the question of men's sexuality, and Canadian scientist Meredith Chivers of Queen's University, Ontario, wanted to investigate the other end of the gender spectrum. Apparently, part of her study focused on the question of how badly the average woman would want to fuck a monkey.

Greg Black
Turn-ons include gorillas in the mist -- not the movie.

The study targeted a range of human sexual configurations -- straight men, gay men, straight women, and lesbians -- and hooked them up to a device called a photoplethysmogram, which sounds incredibly technical, but basically just measures how DTF your naughty bits are at a given time, which would probably do great on the retail market.

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"So I just tried this thing and it said I'm at 150 percent. I could really use your number right about now."

After that, the study participants were shown a variety of porn -- gay, lesbian, straight, and just naked people walking along a beach like it ain't no thing -- and were asked about how turned on they were by each individual video. Of course, because they were also hooked up to the genital equivalent of a lie detector, their "honest" answers were measured against the horrid truth. The results were about what you would expect for men and lesbians -- gay men were aroused by gay sex, lesbians by lesbian sex, straight men by heterosexual sex. Straight women showed varying degrees of arousal during all of the iterations. But that wasn't the most interesting part ...

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Shockingly, Amish porn did nothing for the Amish.

Because scientists are just the academically qualified version of trolls, the researchers had an ace up their sleeve -- along with the regular human porn that the participants had expected, they included footage of bonobo apes fully going at it. In addition, because the natural sound on the videos didn't fully convey the extent of the apes' enthusiasm, the videos were overlaid with sound effects of apes getting each other off like porn stars in a cheap Brazzers clip.

As you could imagine, when asked about how aroused they were by explicit ape sex, everyone responded hell to the fuck no. But the photoplethysmogram said otherwise -- men of either orientation were pretty much unimpressed by the bonobos, but the women were betrayed by science, displaying "strong and swift" genital arousal in response to seeing apes make the beast with two backs.

Ronald van der Beek/iStock/Getty Images
If your wife insists on watching Planet of the Apes over and over again, now you know why.

So science has finally answered the age-old question of whether women are more turned on by primate intercourse than men are, and the answer is a resounding yes. We can probably expect further investigation with lemurs, alligators, and armadillos until either the funding runs out or they get through all the animals, whichever comes first.

#4. Making Sex Toys Bone Each Other (Complete With Fake Semen)

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Something that has puzzled and delighted humans since we parted ways with the apes on the evolutionary tree is why we have much bigger schlongs than our primate cousins. Beside the fact that this was surely the driving force that made us the lords of the animal kingdom, science figures that it can't be an accident -- evolution made human males extra well hung for a reason, and after many nights staring inquisitively down at their babymakers, they decided to find out why.

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And then immediately went right back to staring.

One theory is that the size and shape of the penis makes it act like a kind of scoop to displace semen that has been left over from your lover's most recent previous conquests. This dick shovel enables the man to bump competing sperm out of the way in order to give his own little swimmers the best chance at reaching the goalpost.

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Where they will then throw a hat trick across the home run zone and score a three-point quarterback. Did we sport right?

How do you test such a hypothesis? One way would be to actually get down and dirty with your significant other and then ask to conduct some tests afterward in the interest of science, but because that's too straightforward, researchers came up with an alternative method that involved a trip down to the local sex shop.

The scientists spent some not-at-all-awkward time at a purveyor of sexy merchandise to obtain three dildos (one large, one small, and one bullet-shaped to act as a control) and a fake vagina. They created a substitute semen mix from corn starch that was "judged by three sexually experienced males to best approximate the viscosity and texture of human seminal fluid." Yep, that happened.

From there, the only thing to do was to make the fake genitalia fuck each other vigorously. Then tests were done to determine how much of the corn starch man batter had been scooped out after each simulated rogering.

The result was that the fake dicks did indeed scoop 90 percent of the fake splooge out of the fake vagina, with the exception of the bullet-shaped dildo, which displaced much less due to its pitiful lack of a glans. The experiment vindicated the theory of the scientists who were presumably able to take the tools of their trade home with them for ongoing study.

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"We all scream for my cream."

#3. Holding a Pop Quiz...While Masturbating

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Scientists at MIT wanted to test the scientific validity of the old adage that men tend to make really bad decisions when they're horny. This might seem like it speaks for itself, but science has never been one to accept that kind of wishy-washy answer. They wanted to measure exactly how the firmness of one's erection correlates with the shittiness of one's decision-making ability. And, really, there was only one way to do it -- get some dudes good and randy.

The study made use of a specially designed computer and program, which were made specifically to be used with one's non-dominant hand. We probably don't need to explain why, but we will anyway.

The computer program was set up so that the 35 male participants were able to scroll through a series of pornographic images and were asked to jerk off to whichever images aroused them, keeping score of how horny they were at any given moment, a score which they kept track of using a "thermometer" graphic on the right of the screen.

Mikhail Kokhanchikov/iStock/Getty
"Sorry, mom walked in."

At this point, the participants probably figured this was the easiest and most fun money they had ever made, but any time the horniness meter exceeded 75 percent, they were suddenly bombarded with a question like, "Oh, hey, by the way, could you imagine ever being turned on by an animal?"

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"I like it gruff."

The subjects were asked to answer each question honestly as it popped up at the height of their arousal, under the assumption that the thought process behind each answer would come directly from their dick-brains as they scrambled to get back to the porn, like frantically grappling for the mouse when an ill-timed pop-up advertisement appears just as Jenna Jameson is getting into the heat of things.

Astrid Stawiarz/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
"I want you to lick my-"
"Tootsie Roll! How many licks does it take to reach the delicious candy center?"

Questions ranged from fairly tame -- about the attractiveness of women's shoes, an obese woman, or a sweaty woman -- to more intense -- questions about things like being tied up. And then things got darker when participants were asked about their willingness to have sex with an underage girl or an animal. Subjects were also asked whether they would ever try to obtain sex by drugging a woman, getting her drunk, or lying about loving her.

The results, unfortunately, do nothing for our faith in humanity. The report revealed a general trend toward men's willingness to agree to morally questionable shit when their dicks were sufficiently hard, as opposed to the answers they provided to the same questions after they'd settled down and wiped the sweat off their brow. And to answer your question: Yes, a few of the men said they could imagine being sexually excited by an animal, which is a few more than the zero we would have expected in that small of a sample size.

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But only if they're legal. Guys aren't sickos, after all.

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