5 Reasons Being a Male Porn Star Is Less Fun Than It Looks

#2. Erections Are Fucking Impossible

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If you're a man, at some point in your life you have found yourself lacking an erection when an erection would've really come in handy. Maybe you needed to measure something less than 4 inches and a ruler was not to be found, or maybe you needed to point to something when both of your hands were full.

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Or maybe you needed something to hold your doughnut while you stirred your coffee. Who knows?

Porn stars are not exempt from ninja erections. Erections are 90 percent mental, so usually you need to relax. And the first part of relaxing is accepting the situation. You don't stress out, like "Oh fuck, why am I not hard? Don't look at me! I can feel your judgmental eyes on my dick!" You just say, "Welp, this flag ain't flying," then you let everyone on the set know: "Hey, guys, it's gonna take me a minute to get this dick going, whoever wants to grab a soda or something, you probably got time."

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"We talking Big Gulp or Double Gulp time?"

A lot of times, easing the pressure fixes it. Sometimes it's a blood problem -- like if I'm in a situation where I'm upside down and a lot of blood flows to my head, or if I'm standing and it all flows to my feet. Most people I work with try Viagra, Cialis, or some sort of herbal over-the-counter thing they bought from the cleanest sex shop they could find, but those don't always do the trick if you're exhausted or starving or chained to a wall upside-down for too long.

Some guys use an injection called TriMix. I've never used it, but apparently you literally stab a needle into your penis and inject the TriMix, then it keeps you hard for hours. Even after you cum, you just walk around with an obstinate boner all day. It's not common, exactly, but it's not unheard of.

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"Now I can order a baker's dozen; no worries!"

There's also a gel version of TriMix, and I'm going to quote the manufacturer for you on this one:

"TriMix-gel is an effective ED medication that is used as an alternative for patients who have failed on Viagra, Levitra, or Cialis and who cannot bring themselves to self-inject with a needle into their own penis."

Note how it just drops that some people can't "bring themselves to self-inject" into their own penis, as if you're some mincing pansy because you don't want to puncture your own genitalia.

#1. There Are Surprising Benefits to Fetish Porn

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Fetish porn can be some of the easiest money you'll ever make. The first girl I ever filmed was 22 and wanted to be a nurse. She had a daughter, and they'd just left her abusive husband. I make fetish porn, and she found my ad online and called me at 3 a.m. I paid her $2,000 to make a bunch of films with me, none of which required her to have sex or even be fully nude. Most of them were her talking about her feet or her butt or looking at the camera and saying, "I'm gonna kick you in the balls." You'd think people could get that kind of treatment for free just by answering their cellphone during a movie or something, but no -- it's a huge market.

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"Can you believe these selfish assholes? Fifteen minutes and no one has called my penis pathetic or spat on me."

Of course, some kinks are easier than others: Bondage can be really difficult. If you're tied up, you're losing blood flow. The instant someone cinches up those zip ties, of course you will immediately have an itch, so now you're trying to fight that and stay hard the whole time. Many times I've been tied up, suspended from the ceiling ... then the camera gets low on batteries, or a motorcycle goes by, and the scene takes an eternity to resume, and I've got to be hard the whole way through.

And there are the hidden pitfalls of exploring fetishes: For example, I had no idea I'd be turned on by clowns. But a couple of months ago, I was filming with this girl and got fucked in the ass by Harley Quinn (the Joker's girlfriend) while I was dressed as Robin. For the next clip, she was like, "I'm already Harley, so let's just put some clown makeup on you," and, well ... I guess I like clown porn now.

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Some things you just can't take back.

You can find all the classy films Lance makes at Pervout.com, you can find more of his stuff on his blog and keep current with he and his cats via Twitter. He also works regularly with Kink.com.

Robert Evans runs Cracked's personal experience article team and lives here on the Internet.

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