8 Horrifying Movie Props You Won't Believe You Could Buy

Wouldn't it be awesome to own a piece of Hollywood history, like the actual Darth Vader helmet or that James Bond car that turns invisible (that was real, right?). Luckily for you, there are lots of auction sites letting fans and collectors bid on real props taken right from the sets of blockbusters. Just note that, out of their original context, many of them are pure nightmare fuel.

#8. Giant Fiberglass David Hasselhoff

Splash/JuliensLive.COM via Metro.co.uk

Some people stand in the darkness, but don't be afraid -- you can roll into the light with your very own lifelike, "oversized" David Hasselhoff. And by "oversized" we mean that thing is 14 feet long -- so his face is about 2 feet tall. Are you picturing it? Are you picturing yourself waking up next to it?

Sold as part of a large Hasselhoff auction that includes a classy Disney-themed denim jacket and an absolutely bitchin' Knight Rider golf cart, this Hoff replica was used on screen for the SpongeBob SquarePants movie. As if that jubilant, hollow void of a grin wasn't enough, the prop comes equipped with a roller that makes it easy for David Hasselhoff to follow you everywhere you go, including every dream for the rest of your life.

If you like a little bit more disturbing implication of free will, you could always go for this alternative model:

Premiere Props via LiveAuctioneers
Rise, Lord Hasselhoff.

Isn't that precious? He's trying so hard to escape his mechanical shackles that his pectoral muscle is erupting! Set him in the corner of your bedroom and pretend he's cheering you on while you're having sex!

#7. The Robot Dogs from Hell

Amazon

Most of the furry animals in today's kiddie movies are made with CGI, but sometimes they still bust out the statues and animatronics for close-ups. At first, they look snuggly enough to sleep with, but after a bit of wear and tear, creatures like this bloodhound from the movie Cats & Dogs become pure childhood nightmare fuel:

Amazon
"Daddy, is that what Bubba looks like now?"
"Oh, no, sweetie. Bubba is way more decomposed than that."

Granted, you might have to explain to your kid who cut off the front (back?) half of CatDog. Then there's the matter of that face, which looks like a still frame from one of those decomposition time-lapse videos. Maggots are bound to burst out of that thing at any moment. Otherwise, it's a pretty solid fifth birthday present.

If your child is more of a fan of the live action 101 Dalmatians movies, though, you could always go for the Puppy of the Damned:

Pristine Auction
Pristine Auction
Given crippled legs, so that it can't stray far from its master.

That's one of the titular 101 Dalmatians, though you'd be forgiven for mistaking it for Cerberus, the three-headed dog who guards the underworld. The scuffed nose and faded spots are bad enough, but the missing ears and broken legs push it into the suburbs of Creeptown. If your son or daughter is pestering you for a dog, putting this in their room should traumatize them into submission.

#6. Disembodied Faces

Premiere Props via LiveAuctioneers

Remember Anne Ramsey? Sure you do. Angry gal, about yea high, always sounds like she just came from the dentist. If you've seen The Goonies, it's impossible to forget her:

Warner Bros.
Many a boy lost their libido to that face.

In Throw Momma From the Train, Ramsey plays a woman who may or may not be in danger of being hurled from a speeding locomotive. The movie employed body doubles for the scenes in which the film title's demands are met. Since no one in Hollywood looks like Anne Ramsey, special masks were sculpted for the stuntmen. To put it mildly, they haven't aged well. Glue it to your dog's face, and surprise the neighbor's kids!

But honestly, it really is hard to sever a face and not have the result be the stuff of nightmares, even if the creature itself was adorable:

eBay
Goodbye, childhood.

Oh you, you know what that is. As far as imaginary animals we want to own and love and pet all the time, Mogwais are up there with Care Bears and Pikachu.

Warner Bros.
"And never, ever, feed them after midnight."
"How about carving their faces off Cage/Travolta style? Is around sixish OK?"

The reason is that the creators of the Gremlins movies did wonders with animatronics. Each critter was hand-crafted and was capable of a ton of different facial expressions. The robotics couldn't do absolutely everything, though, so the Mogwais had swappable tragedy/comedy masks prepared according to the needs of the scene. Since there are logically more faces than full-blown Mogwai robots out there, it's more common that a Gremlins-related auction will contain something like this:

PropStore
It's kinda like if Chucky and Gizmo had an unspeakable demonic love-child.

With no ears or eyes to speak of, these masks resemble trophies belonging to a Mogwai serial killer. If you don't want to look like the gremlin version of Ed Gein, your only recourse is to find a spare set of body parts on Earth's most cuddly black market.

Meanwhile, if you want to play supervillain, why, just buy Ron Perlman's Hellboy mask and mount it on the wall like a trophy:

eBay
"Kill ... me ..."

Speaking of superheroes ...

#5. Batman's Gimp Suit and Terror Bust

LiveAuctioneers
"I'm Bortman the Damned."

It seems like you could pick any random prop from the Tim Burton Batman movies and wind up with something pretty cool. Or you could wind up with this terrifying bald lipstick-wearing bust of Michael Keaton, apparently used for wide shots of the Batmobile when there wasn't actually a human driving it. Stick it under the bed in the guest room for visiting family members to discover!

But of course, the ultimate prize from one of those films would be the suit itself -- forget some lame-ass Halloween costume, you can buy the real thing! Then you realize that, by just removing the emblem and the cape, Batman is basically running around beating up criminals in a gimp outfit. All that's missing is the ball gag and whip:

Amazon
And Zed.

Also, the auction notes that this suit has seen several owners, so you can assume at least one of them thought to get freaky with it. Wouldn't you, if only to have the chance to use "Commissioner Gordon" as a safe word?

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here

230 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!