The 6 Most WTF Old-Timey Porn Trends

People say that porn has desensitized us because of its ready availability online and the increasingly creepy horrors brought to us by Rule 34. But weird-ass porn is not exactly a new phenomenon: Even before the Internet, our fathers and grandfathers were well-versed in the art of finding different ways to give themselves new and interesting boners. And, in their own way, they were just as depraved as we are -- and then some.

Just take a look at these creepy old-timey porn magazines, featuring themes as diverse and disgusting as ...

Warning: Fairly NSFW Images Ahead

#6. Erotic Nazi Torture

Man's Book Periodical

We assume a trained sexologist could literally spend years studying that magazine cover alone, without even realizing that "busty woman getting tortured by Nazis" was a whole genre of porn through the 1950s and '60s.

Man's Adventure
"And I thought these heels would be the most painful part of my day."

We can ... sort of understand it. Many sexual fantasies involve elements of control, and who better to control than someone you hate? But the strange thing is that this isn't like Raiders of the Lost Ark turning Nazis into cartoonish enemies in 1981; these magazines came right after the war, when veterans were still nursing wounds. We don't know, it kind of seems too soon to be turning Hitler into a wank fetish. Yet, when Grandpa wanted to get freaky, Nazis were the port of call. They were essentially the era's equivalent of BDSM, commonly indulging in torturous shit you'd be hard-pressed to find in modern porn. Here's some swastika branding:

World of Men
"10 Ways to Tell if You're Sexually Maladjusted: 1-10, you paid money for this fucking magazine."

Here's another scene you probably won't find modern porn stars doing in a hurry, in the form of good old-fashioned waterwheel torture:

New Man
The self-test is just "Look in a mirror."

The typical elements that make up Nazi torture porn covers are threefold. You have the Nazis -- one grimacing henchman and a cackling commander. There's the ridiculously unerotic method of torture. And then there are the women themselves, who are always clearly in grave danger, yet seem only slightly miffed, like they're dreading sitting in the middle seat on an airplane.

Men Today
"This is bullshit. I'm not drowning next to that bitch Janice."

"Well, isn't this just a male rescue fantasy? Aren't the men supposed to get off on the idea of saving these curvy, grateful females?" If so, they certainly aren't promoting it on the cover -- there's no swashbuckling hero to save the day. Basically, the only thing these covers tell a boner-prone reader is that the magazine is all about the untimely death of several nubile ladies at the hands of the most evil men in the world.

Well, that, and tips on how to "master a woman for life" yourself. Somewhere, Don Draper is smiling.

#5. Cribs

Plush

Look, let's be honest: No porn photographer has ever gone broke infantilizing women. Put a hot girl in a schoolgirl outfit, or make her speak in baby talk while licking a lollipop, and a certain type of dude will come running. Well, back in the day, somebody apparently was curious to see if it was possible to take it too far. And the answer is "Oh, holy shit, what is this? Am I going to jail?"

Foto-rama
That's the same face the judge made at the arraignment hearing.

Even if you manage to ignore the more disturbing connotations, any mental association with an actual baby should be a surefire way to kill any and all sexy vibes, as anyone who's ever heard one cry can attest. Yet in a crib these fine ladies remain, and that's all you're going to get, boner.

You can just imagine these models excitedly skipping into the studio, expecting a luxurious if slightly naughty shoot in racy nightwear, then having their jaws (and dreams) drop through the floor as the photographer unceremoniously grunts at them and points his thumb at the baby prison in the middle of the floor. To their credit, most models presented in this particular fashion look as bewildered and confused about the situation as the reader. When they seem at ease with their surroundings, it's somehow even worse:

Late Show
"Fall of the Latin Lover ... Also, Your Dignity"

Note to aspiring erotic models everywhere: Call it kinky subtext all you want, but things stop being sexy the second you bring actual baby gear into the mix. If you're dressed like you poop your pants on a bihourly basis, it doesn't matter how well you fill out your diaper.

#4. Fencing

Les Dames

Most sports can be classified as at least somewhat sexual, being activities that consist of sweaty people performing complex physical maneuvers and grunting a lot. However, when it comes to pure visual sexiness, fencing is at the absolute low end of the spectrum. The sport is essentially a bunch of crash test dummies poking each other with car antennas in a contest that demands clothing from head to toe.

Yet somehow, this sport with padded uniforms and skinny fake swords manages to rank as an old school smut trend.

Caper
"No, no, poke the sword lower ..."

Compared to the other women in this article, this model is practically a nun. That hip-hugging onesie might not be as practical as the full-body padding her fallen foe is wearing, but that badass glove looks like an eagle could perch on it at any moment. Barring any Freuds who wish to compare a long, pencil-thin weapon to a penis and mentions of "sympathetic geishas" and actress and glamour girl Ziva Rodann, you could almost believe this is not a dirty magazine. However, the same can't be said about this one:

Coq
Fucking rapier culture.

Man, that's totally going to be the name of our French subsidiary.

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