The 6 Most Horrifying Sex Scenes in Fan Fiction (Pt. 4)

#3. Superman and Jessica Rabbit Have Literal Cartoon Sex

Walt Disney

The Scenario:

On the surface, this seems to be much more familiar ground for erotic fan fiction. Clark Kent is relaxing in his home one stormy evening when Jessica Rabbit unexpectedly drops by to tell him that she has just left her husband, Roger. In the most childhood-ruining reveal since that time grandma's bathrobe fluttered open when she reached across the table for the marmalade, Jessica confides to Superman that Roger Rabbit literally has no penis.

"He's a eunuch." She said (...) "He doesn't have anything ... down there."

Luckily, Jessica came to the right place for curing absentee-genitalia marital strife, and a few moments later Superman is plowing her out on the balcony in the rain, more powerfully than an opportunistic locomotive.

Warner Bros.
"This looks like a job for Superman!"

Where It Gets Really Weird:

Clark moved to take Jessica inside, she stopped him. "No. We're not watercolours. We won't run," she said.

Yeah, you read that right -- in this fan fiction, Superman and Jessica Rabbit are living cartoon-humans who have to worry about things like inclement weather smudging their colors and Christopher Lloyd dipping them into vats of turpentine. Apparently, Jessica Rabbit just isn't worth masturbating to unless she's blurring that line of forbidden Saturday morning cartoon attraction you crossed when Daphne came on screen in Scooby-Doo while your parents were out at the store.

Warner Bros.
"Always keep your ascot handy, kids!"

Superman and Jessica enjoy pages of torrid lovemaking replete with dialogue that sounds less like the cries of unbridled passion and more like a schizophrenic bus driver's suicide note:

"Sshhlllrrrpppuppppp!" Her pussy squelched.

"Pllp! Pllp! Pllp!" The sound of Clark fucking Jessica's tits.

"AaAunHH! Huurrnh! Awwwuh!" Jessica squealed and screamed.

"Huunh! Auuhh! Hu!" Clark panted.

Michael Ochs Archives/Moviepix/Getty Images
"If you like the sound effects, be sure to check out my Police Academy stories, too."

Finally, mercifully, we get to the big finale, which does nothing more to console our harrowing discomfort:

It hit Jessica with the power of a thunderstorm. (...) Fireworks burst from her slick slit and steam shot from her ears as she rode the wave of the most intense orgasm she'd ever felt.

The author isn't employing a clumsy simile here -- fireworks and steam are literally bursting out of Jessica's body as she achieves orgasm, because, as the story has gone to great lengths to constantly remind us, she is a cartoon character, and that's apparently what cartoon orgasms look like. So Daffy Duck wasn't really angry all those times his skull whistled out clouds of steam like a tea kettle -- he was actually gluing his underpants to his stomach with wads of animated duck semen.

#2. Captain Kirk Has Sex With Metalocalypse's Nathan Explosion in Space

Williams Street

The Scenario:

"Heavy Metal" places the members of the band Dethklok from the animated Adult Swim show Metalocalypse into the distant future as they adventure through the galaxy aboard the U.S.S. Deathclock, which honestly isn't much of a stretch beyond what they do on the actual show. That's not the weird part.

The U.S.S. Deathclock, with the band's vocalist Nathan Explosion at the helm, docks at a nearby space station, where they meet the crew of the starship Enterprise from the original Star Trek. And by "meet the crew," we mean "Captain James T. Kirk has powerful, submissive anal sex with Nathan Explosion, a death metal cartoon character":

"Do you ... nnngh! Fuck!" Kirk - Jim, you couldn't call someone you were fucking by their last name - ground down on Nathan's cock, his knees pressing down into the mattress.

Picture that dialogue getting hammered out of the waterlogged, stuttering face of William Shatner. And that also is not the weird part.

Where It Gets Really Weird:

This isn't a few paragraphs of jerk-off material -- this is a four-part, 25,000-word novella, and only 2,000 words of that are devoted to Nathan Explosion engaging James T. Kirk's warp drive.

CBS Television Distribution
"Come on. 'Able to Ride Roller Coasters Danzig' isn't even in the top three of the weirdest things I've had in my ass."

The other 23,000 words are spent fleshing out a massive episode of Metalocalypse. The author actually does a respectable job of imitating the show's style of absurdist humor, such as a scene wherein Toki, Dethklok's childlike rhythm guitarist with a tenuous grasp of the English language, orders a drink with a small umbrella:

"What? It's totally brutals," Toki said (...) "You can takes de umbrellas, stab somes-one in their eyes. Make greats album cover."

See, that's legitimately kind of funny and doesn't involve graphic descriptions of any characters ejaculating on each other. Author, if you're out there, just take out the gangbangs and submit it as a spec script. You were meant for more than this!

#1. Xander from Buffy the Vampire Slayer Has Sex With the Biker Mice from Mars

20th Television

The Scenario:

Xander, the goofball smartass from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, gets stranded en route to dealing with some vampires in Chicago. He wanders into the Last Chance Garage, owned and operated by the Biker Mice from Mars, because Xander's bus evidently broke down in Bad '90s Cartoonville.

Because of the vampire problem in Chicago and a building sexual tension between him and one of the bikers, Xander ultimately decides to move in with the alien humanoid cartoon mice, with predictably sexy results.

Brentwood Television Funnies
"Biker Mice are from Mars, women are from Venus ... Looks like we'll have to make do."

Where It Gets Really Weird:

Hey, remember when we were impressed by the 25,000-word epic above? Well, this one is 90 episodes and over 1 million words of lusty sci-fi fan fiction in which Xander gives in to his passion and has sex with a Biker Mouse:

"I never used to but your fur is very soft. It's like a good velvet (...) I think I like fur. At least tan fur over really hard muscles and under leather and jeans." He stole another kiss then pulled back to rub himself against the soft fur. He moaned, shifting back to do it again. "Oh, yeah."

Fur and leather are big boner triggers for Xander, because apparently he always dreamed of fucking a couch.

20th Television
"I will turn any sofa into a love seat."

Also, please notice that in this scene, Xander doesn't have a tail, whereas in the next chapter, he spontaneously grows one for no reason:

Then he laid down on top of the boy, his tail swishing in the air. That's what caught his attention. He looked back, flicking his tail. There was a second tail.

The tail is followed by fur and then full-on Martian antennae, effectively morphing Xander into a Biker Mouse.

Brentwood Television Funnies
"Finally."

It goes without saying that this transformation frees him up to have sex with sentient space motorcycles:

He grabbed the tease with his tail, planting him on his bike, face down so the vibrations would tease him.

"I feel like I'm part of a threesome. You mind, babe?" The bike shook her front wheel and slowly moved into deeper shadows.

In case we didn't stress this enough earlier, this fan fiction is over 1 million words long. That's longer than the longest novel in the English language, and it is fueled entirely by the author's desire to see cartoon mice have sex with the nerdy guy from Buffy. Hey, have you ever been so dedicated to a project?

Follow Eric on Twitter, or even better, check out the Webcomic he runs with his brother, Donuts for Sharks.

Related Reading: Okay, so the internet is a carnival of obscenity. But it's not like descriptions of ridiculously depraved sex acts are a modern thing. The Bible has a scene where Lot has drunk sex in a cave with his daughters. And while we're on the subject of religion, there's a surprising amount of sexy Christmas fan-fiction. And if you haven't had enough of being baffled by the Internet, read about the SWAT Kats fucking the town of Eureka.

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