5 of Your Sex Secrets I Learned Working in a Porn Store

#2. People Like to Hang Out at the Sex Shop -- and Often Bring the Kids Along

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Some customers are there to giggle and get a gag gift for a bachelorette party, as you'd expect. Others are enthusiasts who know exactly what they're shopping for. But there is another category of patrons who seem to be in it only for the atmosphere.

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"I'm just here to be seen."

These people never buy anything, they just come to hang out. They treat the porn store more like a social establishment, sort of like a coffee shop but with titties everywhere instead of shitty local art. "They never creep on people," Audra says. "They're just lonely and want someone to talk to." That's understandable, but you have to wonder what's going on in someone's life when "I desire human companionship -- time to go bother people who only want to jerk off in peace" starts sounding like a reasonable thought.

And then there are the shoppers who make it a family affair -- it's all too common to see women browsing monster dongs with their kids in tow. Obviously, the last thing anyone wants to see when they look up from the back cover of Cum and Cummer is Junior's wide-eyed, curious stare, so they're asked to leave. "Our store is 18-plus, no exceptions," Audra says, "even if it's a tiny baby who doesn't know what he's looking at. I've actually held babies outside of the store for women so they can shop."

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"Soon you'll have a new baby brother! ... Well, it'll be the size of a new baby, anyway."

Far be it from us to judge, but if you need lube so badly that you're willing to hand your baby off to a total stranger for several minutes, maybe try this newfangled Internet machine? We hear it has sex things.

#1. The Underground Sex Scene Is All Around You

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We're guessing our average reader couldn't rattle off a list of upcoming S&M events or swinger parties in their town -- it's not like there are people going door to door with pamphlets, like sexy Jehovah's Witnesses. But if you want to find out about all of the Eyes Wide Shut shenanigans going on around you this week, get a job at a sex shop. It will open your eyes.

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At which point you need these. Don't ask.

"I'm bait for swingers," Audra says. "The first time I was invited out was when I was helping this youngish couple in our fetish section." She politely declined their offer, but, "The guy said that if I changed my mind to come down to [their city] and find the house on some cross street. I didn't end up going, because that's not my scene, but for a good four months after kept getting asked by customers if I'd ever been there."

Meanwhile, BDSM enthusiasts also have public social gatherings called "munches" where they meet up, typically over undercooked hash browns, just to hang out and ask if they've whipped any good subbies lately. And Audra knows exactly when and where they take place, because she's constantly getting invited to them. So you may not have previously considered when sitting down at the Waffle House whether the gang at the next table enjoy beating each other in their spare time, but once you've put in a few months at the sex shop, you'll never even have to wonder.

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You also will never be able to visit another IHOP without trying to spot the truckers in crotchless panties.

Devan Thayer Lund can be found on the wildly imaginative Twitter handle @DevanThayerLund. Amanda Mannen will tell you everything she's learned about butt plugs -- and it is no small amount -- if you follow her on Twitter.

for more ways we're confused about genitals, check out 21 Things We Secretly Suspect about the Opposite Sex.

Related Reading: While we're on the subject of sex, Cracked talked to a legal prostitute too. We learned some crazy stuff. And that might be why we felt compelled to talk to a Dominatrix as well. In case you're less about the 'sex' and more about the 'insane life experiences' we also talked to a woman raised in a Christian fundamentalist cult as well as a dude who was shot for being an atheist in Bangladesh. If you have a story to tell Cracked, you can message us here.

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