5 Sites That Prove the U.S. Government Sucks at the Internet

We're gonna go ahead and guess that only a small percentage of you like to browse government websites for fun. That's a real shame, because buried among all the boring and useless information about "doing your taxes" and "signing up for health care" and lists of those fascist "don't dig up the streets looking for pirate gold" rules, you can find nuggets of bizarrely fascinating material. Here, bad mini-games, cartoons made by psychopaths, and other, harder to define insanities abound -- all funded by your tax dollars, of course.

#5. The NSA's Kids' Site Is Even Creepier Than the Adult One


The NSA is not exactly the most popular group with kids today, which is weird because they have a sweet hip-hop turtle and everything! What more could you ungrateful little brats want?!

Suspiciously not pictured: Eddie Snowed-in, the gossipy penguin.

Since 2005, the NSA's CryptoKids characters have tried to steer the youngest Americans into embracing a fun and wacky career in code-breaking. Each CryptoKid has an elaborate backstory, which means that some poor bastard had to come up with nine different explanations for why an anthropomorphic squirrel would give a shit about cryptography. For example, there's T. Top, the Linkin Park-wannabe turtle whose hobbies include computer programming and consistently spelling "cool" like a douche:

Another bearded Web user posing as a 14-year-old.

And then there's Decipher Dog, the apparent leader of the kids. What's his "Favorite Project"? He's really stoked about that time he helped his stepmom set up a home Wi-Fi network ... which he says he monitors to see what programs his stepsister is using.

Decipher Dog says: "I know what porn you like, and I'm judging you!"

#4. The U.S. Mint Store Makes SkyMall Look Classy

US Mint

Of all the areas of the government, the last one you'd expect to be so strapped for cash that they have to resort to late-night infomercials is the U.S. Mint. If you'd asked us to describe what usmint.gov looks like without visiting it, we would have guessed "Wikipedia, but plainer." The truth is closer to "basic cable channel at 2 a.m."

US Mint
"We also pay CA$H for your gold!! We ... have no shortage of cash."

Go ahead, try to spend that curved coin with a baseball glove on it. Maybe the folks at the 7-Eleven will take such pity on your shitty counterfeiting skills that they won't even call the cops. Bored of seeing Washington and Lincoln's faces on your pocket change? The U.S. Mint has your back. You can now purchase this set of 25 Warren G. Harding $1 coins for just $32.95 -- and no, because we know it's the first question on your mind: There's no household limit.

US Mint
Collect the full "Heroes of the Teapot Dome" set!

The U.S. Mint also offers coins featuring the First Spouses! Impress friends and amuse surly newspaper vendors, who certainly won't beat you ferociously when you try to pay them with currency featuring images of Lucy Hayes and Ida McKinley, celebrating such achievements as "organizing the first White House Easter Egg Roll" and "crocheting slippers for charity"!

US Mint
We can't show you what's on the reverse of the limited Lewinski edition.

So obsessed is the mint with the First Spouse series that they didn't let bachelor president James Buchanan disrupt their flow. They posthumously married him to the abstract concept of Liberty.

US Mint
Liberty gave herself to everyone, which is why hubby Buck in the background looks so sad.

The bronze medal of the second George W. Bush inauguration reminds us that "freedom cannot be denied." But savings cannot be denied either! And remember, when buying those William Henry Harrison coins, shipping may take longer than his one month in office.

#3. The Missile Defense Agency Protects America by Ripping Off Atari Games

Missile Defense Agency

The Missile Defense Agency has a very important mission: stopping hostile missiles from hitting American soil. Such a tech-intensive and crucial agency requires the best and brightest, so how do they convince people to join? Why, by using their massive budget to put a crappy Flash game on their employment page, of course.

Missile Defense Agency
"Uh ... sir, some kid put in the Konami Code and now has full control of NORAD."

If that game looks familiar to you, then congratulations, you're an old-school nerd from back when that used to mean something (mostly wedgies). Yep, the government is employing a rather shameless rip-off of classic Atari arcade game Missile Command:

"Actually, we funded that, too, to subliminally train '80s kids to pilot drones."

The Department of Defense called their knock-off "The Interceptor," and it consists of four levels spent protecting generic cities from a barrage of explosive balls. Are they projectiles sent by a hostile power? A poorly timed refuse dump from the International Space Station? Aliens? Your job is to mindlessly click the "throw missile" button, soldier, not to ask questions. But whether you save America from the explosive meatballs or doom it to a spicy death, the reward is the same: a screen inviting you to learn more about the agency ... which leads to a 404 error page.

Missile Defense Agency
Surprise! Just by choosing to play, you failed the job interview.

Good job, agency literally responsible for making sure we don't all explode.

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