#2. Female Brown Trout Fake Their Orgasms
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Sex seems a lot simpler in the animal kingdom. Sure, the foreplay is often bizarre and complicated, but in general, the act itself is pretty straightforward. There's no performance anxiety, no seething regret, no intricate set of rules dictating whether you should leave before or after breakfast. (Hint: It varies, depending on who climaxed first and whether orange juice is offered.)
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If trout's on the menu, get the hell out.
The female brown trout fakes orgasms to avoid having her eggs fertilized by inept males.
Perhaps the term "orgasm" is taking some liberties, but the effect is the same: Ordinarily, the female trout will extrude a clutch of eggs so that the male can decorate them with his sexual frosting (fish don't really "get" the pull-out method), but if the female doesn't judge her suitor to be worthy -- if he's positioned wrong, or the timing is off -- then she only pretends to climax. The males are often so excited by this faux-gasm that they "finish early," despite the fact that she didn't actually release any eggs.
"Doesn't matter, had sex."
Although one thing remains certain across species: Most of the males don't care as long as they get theirs. The male trout are usually satisfied by this display and swim off to play whatever the fish version of Halo is, while the females are free to get with the real men who know to stick around until everybody crosses the finish line.
#1. The City-Building, Pack-Hunting Spider
If there's one redeeming feature of spiders (and there is not: shut up, spider apologists, we all know you're just Internet-spiders using your terrible spindly legs to type), it's that they tend to be solitary creatures. If you arrive home late at night and wind up getting a face full of web, you can more or less "relax" after swatting at your head and neck for 20 minutes, secure in the knowledge that there was only one spider on you and not like 73.
"Webs can't have multiple spiders. Our symmetry would be ruined."
It's evidence of the relative mercy of Mother Nature that she's only willing to subject us to one spider at a time. Even that cold-hearted bitch knows spider gangs are too much for our collective sanity to handle.
Meet Agelena consociata and all of her many, many friends.
via West Lake Scientific
Her name literally means "slutty angel." Maybe.
Flying in the face of everything you hold dear in this world, this species of African funnel web spider forms together into communal "sisterhoods" of anywhere from 10 to 15-fucking-hundred spiders in a single web scaffold that can be as tall as 13 feet, and there is no good point to stop these emphasizing italics because everything is terrifying.
While most spiders will gladly murder one another for food, territory, or just good old fashioned fun, the Agelena are happy to work together toward a common goal. That goal, of course, also involves murder. When an unsuspecting insect (or, say, your face) stumbles into their web-sheet of doom, as many as 20 to 40 spiders will immediately descend upon it and treat it to the most horrifying end you'll find outside of a Carpenter film.
One more time, just so you can wrap your head around this: Pack-hunting spiders that live in colonies of thousands and build spider cities 3 feet higher than a god damn basketball hoop actually exist. Right here, on this planet, with you. This is the single most compelling reason we can think of for re-funding our space program.
And check out 21 Ways Life Would Change if We Could Understand Animals, because we're pretty sure all of those things will be true soon.
Related Reading: And if you thought all that was insane, wait'll you read that dogs have an internal compass that determines where they poop. By the way, you don't know terror until you've seen this caterpillar that looks like living poop. Not scared enough yet? This toad has a weaponized mustache.