#3. Pimp My Ride Becomes a Bizarre GTA Ripoff
When you think about it, the idea of making a game based on a reality show where a rapper puts flat screens in the trunk of your beat-up Oldsmobile isn't completely without merit -- Pimp My Ride is already a pretty ridiculous concept, so how could the video game industry possibly make it worse? It can't be done. Unless, that is, they didn't actually make a Pimp My Ride game and just put out a shittier version of Grand Theft Auto starring Xzibit.
Which fits well with the shitty everything that stars Xzibit.
The game exposes the disturbing source for all that money Xzibit spends in bouncing-car mechanisms and fluorescent paint jobs: He gets it by violently crashing into other cars until they literally explode money. That's what you do for the bulk of the game -- just crash into everything you see until you collect enough money to buy upgrades for your client's car.
Unfortunately, there's no option to buy this guy a punch in the dick.
But what about the side missions? They had the good sense to rip off that part of GTA too, right? Sure, here's a cool-sounding one called "Ghost Ride the Whip," let's see what it's ab-
Whelp. Out of nowhere and without warning, your character starts doing break dance moves as your GTA knockoff turns into Dance Dance Revolution ... but, like, a pimpin' version.
Finally, you present your hard-earned murder money to the auto shop and can upgrade a few random parts for your client, who turns out to be suffering from an extreme case of facial paralysis, in addition to other problems.
"Yo, you havin' a seizure?"
But hey, it's pretty cool of Xzibit to give back to the community and help out disabled people like that, right? Not really, because the clients' cars get added to his collection, for some reason, and you can take them out for joy rides whenever you want, crashing into shit to your heart's content. This game actually teaches you that not only do crime and vandalism pay, but they're faster than direct deposit.
#2. Waterworld on Virtual Boy Lacks Any Water
It says it's for "Kids to Adults," but honestly this should count as child abuse.
While no one would expect the unholy combination of one of the biggest movie flops of the '90s and Nintendo's failed, eye-destroying 3D console to be a masterpiece of the interactive arts, here's the one thing you'd assume Waterworld for the Virtual Boy would have: water.
And here's what the game looked like:
There's not really a world, either.
As you might know (despite Nintendo's best efforts to erase the console from existence), the Virtual Boy was basically an overgrown View-Master that could only display graphics in black or red. Obviously, that makes it rather hard to make a game about a film that is 90 percent water -- but by Poseidon, did they try.
The movie takes place during a totally unfeasible future in which all the ice caps have melted and the entire Earth is flooded, forcing Kevin Costner to try to find some dry land while fighting off bandit "smokers" with his little ragtag boat. The game (ironically developed by a company called Ocean Software) attempts to take the wettest scene in the movie and accurately recreate it without the color blue. All you do is shoot smokers on jet skis and rescue survivors -- you could almost pretend that this is outer space and you're shooting aliens, if it wasn't for those drowning people waving their arms all around you.
"Wait, don't save me. Let me enter the void. Let this end."
Out of all the baffling decisions involved in the making of this movie, licensing the official game to a console that can't show the color blue is probably among the top 500. At the very least, they could have animated some ripples on the surface or the occasional jumping fish to indicate the presence of liquid, but apparently they'd already spent their budget surgically attaching gills to Kevin Costner by then.
Well, but what about the other stages? Do they look any better? You tell us:
It's the same shitty stage over and over. The game keeps going until you get bored or your eyes explode. By the way, if you have a pair of those red-blue 3D glasses and play around with the settings in this YouTube video, you can actually experience the headache-inducing gameplay that's made that much worse by a completely blank playing field! (We take no responsibility for any exploded eyeballs.)
#1. The Dallas Quest Turns Dallas into a Dr. Doolittle Simulator
Dallas (again, for those of you who missed the '80s) was the interminable soap opera about a bunch of rich people scheming, manipulating, and sexing each other somewhere in the state of Texas (it's not clear which city). By 1984, the show had become popular enough that it was time for the next logical step: being turned into a text adventure for the Commodore 64.
This team would later make Melrose Place: Search for the Sapphire Scorpion for Super Nintendo.
Although Dallas Quest's title screen seems to promise a J.R. Ewing-centric acid trip, you don't actually control him or any other Dallas character in this game: You're a random private detective tasked with finding a map that leads to a rich oil field in South America, which you mostly accomplish by hanging out with bizarre animals. Like this giant 3-foot-tall rat that you bump into when you walk into a barn to get a shovel.
Sadly, typing "play a better game" does nothing.
What is this mutant abomination doing in the non-science fiction world of a CBS soap opera? You won't have much time to ponder this question, because if you take too long to solve this puzzle, the rat tears your goddamn throat out.
"You then wake up in a shower with Patrick Duffy."
So how are you supposed to get the shovel? Why, by putting some sunglasses on an owl and then having it eat the rat. Duh. The game is full of inexplicable animal interactions like that -- there are multiple puzzles where the answer is "give drugs to an ape." Which is great and all, but what the fuck does this have to do with Dallas?
If you give the cheetah some cocaine, it will let you ride it to the next checkpoint.
And here's the weirdest one: While floating on a riverboat, a bunch of hippos (who have somehow been transplanted from Africa) overturn your boat. In order to escape, you must blow a bugle to the tune of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" with "such deep feeling" that a turtle stops what it's doing to save your life. That is literally what happens.
"You and the monkey then recreate the kiss from From Here to Eternity on the beach as the tortoise watches. THE END"
Of course, with a Dallas revival currently on the air, a Dallas Quest sequel is inevitable. We're thinking it's going be something like Mass Effect, but with even weirder sex scenes.
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Related Reading: Not baffled enough by the crazy shit some people will program? Check out the madness that is Bomberman: Act Zero. And while you're at it, check out this headfuck of a Dr. Mario commercial. Oh, by the way- Super Mario Bros was almost a shooter.