5 Terrifying Trends Currently Overtaking Etsy

#2. Soap in the Shape of Body Parts


Soap is clean by its very definition. It seems like something that would be hard to make awful, but by this point in the article you should have learned not to underestimate the twisted horrors that the collective Etsy imagination-uterus can birth into this world.

Those fingers were pink before the shower.

Remember when you looked at your bar of soap in the shower this morning and wondered aloud, "Man, why can't this look like a chopped-off, decaying human finger (with which I can gently caress my every filthy crevice)?" If so, please let us know immediately so we can file a restraining order against you.

Less realistic, but no less disturbing, are these puppies:

"Wash your hands with a nice reminder of what you did to your victims!"

The seller wonders right in the item's title if these women's torso soaps are gross. To us, a more pertinent query would be whether the people who would buy them have actual dismembered bodies hidden in their homes.

Other soaps range from relatively tame biohazardous waste ...

"The 'Band-Aids' are hand soap. Order 'Maxi-pads' for body."

... to Holy Mother of Fuck, it's a dismembered baby head!

Megan Green
What's in the box?!

If that one's too mature for you, here's a reappearance by our old friend the fetus:

And friends, in case you thought this was an isolated thing.

This little guy or gal is, by far, the seller's most popular item -- at the time of writing, they've sold several hundred of them. This led us to wonder: Is it weird to find this stuff weird? Is this actually normal, and we're the ones who are weird?

But then we stopped wondering that as soon as we saw ...

#1. So ... Many ... Genitals

Christine Stinnett

Human genitals take myriad forms and have myriad uses. OK, so actually they only take a few forms and have a handful of uses, but the brilliant people on Etsy said "to hell with this biology bullshit" and have come up with genital-based crafts to meet your every wing-wanging, hoohahlicious need. It should come as no surprise by now that you can buy various soap dongs and crocheted lady dongs, but of course it goes way beyond that.

There are genitals to eat:

Rachel Santiago


At least one of these should see a doctor immediately.

To wear:


Winona Johnson

Mary J. Teraji
Again, green is not a normal color for genitals, kids.

Genitals with practical uses:


The lyrics to "I'm a Little Teapot" have never been more incorrect.

And even ones to celebrate with!

Making the stable resemble a taint was cost-prohibitive.

None of those quite what you're looking for? Maybe you want to surprise your guests (and hope they'll post bail for you later) at your next barbecue with an apron that features a massive fake dong. Maybe you want a cast of an actual woman's vagina that you can stuff a candle into. Or maybe you want to decorate your walls with an extremely graphic painting of two disembodied penises performing a sexual feat that the Kama Sutra might call the "Ass-to-Mouth Double Ouroboros." Of course, maybe what you long for is simply a way to express yourself by way of a plush poontang, in which case we recommend one of these "Wondrous Vulva Puppets."

Dorrie Lane

In fact, how did you even live your life before knowing that a Wondrous Vulva Puppet was a thing to be had? Sadly, we'd wager.

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Related Reading: Speaking of trends, check out these crazy porn trends. Rich people spend more time masturbating than poor people! That trend is pretty disturbing, and so is the inevitable end of Internet neutrality. Also disturbing: the fact that cops seem to be down with anal probes now.

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