#3. The Purple Squirrel Is Exactly What It Sounds Like
In business, a "purple squirrel" is the mythical perfect candidate for a job who only comes along once in a blue moon. In nature, it's nothing, because it doesn't exist. Or isn't supposed to. But in 2012, a couple in Pennsylvania found a purple squirrel in their backyard, looking like a plush animal brought to life by some kid's magical Christmas wish and then promptly abandoned.
The easily distracted kid had moved on to something else. Maybe another squirrel.
After taking enough photographic evidence of the unusual specimen to turn it into an Internet meme, the couple released the squirrel back into the wild. Experts offered a ton of scientific theories to explain the animal's coloration, from "It fell into a cartridge of ink" to "Maybe it ate something, I dunno."
"But Cracked," you're probably saying, "that's ignoring the most plausible scenario, which is that this is probably just some stupid prank! So why give these squirrel-painting attention-seekers any publicity?" Well, if it's a prank, it's fairly widespread -- there was another sighting in Minnesota in 1997, and yet another in the U.K. in 2008. The latter was dubbed "Pete the Purple Squirrel," because "Pete" starts with a "P," we guess. Really? How could you not name it "Prince"?
Solent News and Photo Agency
They're even about the same height.
This time, pretty much the same rigorous explanations were offered, along with others like "We guess it could be a prank" and "Hey, maybe it fell into a Porta Potty." Look, if multiple people are trapping squirrels just to paint them so they make headlines, that's actually weirder. And would that also account for this frog?
Sathyabhama Das Biju
Good lord. It's a frog with a nose!
That's a creature that scientists unimaginatively named "purple frog." These ancient little guys (as in, they were kicking it with the dinosaurs literal ages ago) were only discovered in 2003, because they spend most of their life underground and before that people always just mistook them for prunes.
#2. The Pink-Necked Green Pigeon Is Wearing a Fabulous Vest
You know those ugly-ass pigeons that shit on you while you're walking to work? Meet their fabulous cousin they don't talk about during Thanksgiving anymore: the pink-necked green pigeon. This dapper fellow is native to Cambodia, Indonesia, Malaysia, Myanmar, Philippines, Singapore, Thailand, and Vietnam, all countries where it is about as common as the dull gray version is in the U.S. Walking to work sounds like it's a lot more pleasant in those places, because getting crapped on by one of these things must feel like being kissed by a rainbow.
To cure depression, rub the crap deeply over your chest and belly.
Aside from its coloring and the fact that it can name the track listing to every Madonna album by heart, another thing that makes the pink-neck more super is its lovely singing voice, which has been described as "rapidly repeated bubbling whistles, chuckles, and gurgles in a variety of songs." Check it out, starting at around 44 seconds:
Also, instead of dwelling on street corners, harassing old people on park benches, and generally being assholes, the pink-neck is more in tune with nature and prefers frolicking between the foliage of fruiting trees (where it feeds). In fact, their colorful attire actually has a purpose: allowing them to blend in between the vegetation.
Huang Chee Thong
Sometimes, confused, it pecks itself instead of the fruit. It's delicious.
Only the male pink-necked green pigeons look this divine -- the females aren't pink-necked at all, and in general are just considerably less glamorous than their far more photogenic husbands.
#1. The Pink Slug Looks Like Satan's Dick
We're sorry, that just looks like Satan's dick, and there's nothing we can do about it. It's actually the pink slug, a species recently discovered on Mt. Kaputar in Australia (of course). Due to pure luck, a volcanic eruption 17 million years ago kept a small 4-square-mile area lush and wet, while the rest of Australia slowly turned into the thunderdome known as the Outback. This effectively cut off the area, making it a unique environment for various species to develop in strange ways. For instance, in the form of the Devil's dong.
Yes, Satan has little horns down there. We've studied theology.
While their coloring makes them look like Lucifer's big, swinging tallywacker, or perhaps a piece of chili that mutated and gained sentience after being left at the back of the fridge for too long, scientists believe it may actually serve a purpose. Since they live in the beds of red eucalyptus leaves, it is hypothesized that the slug's coloring is a type of camouflage.
Not pictured: red eucalyptus or camouflage.
As seen above, that theory may not hold up so well, because they also spend a lot of time high on tree trunks. Another possible explanation is that, precisely because they've been isolated for so long, evolution said, "Screw it, I don't give a shit how they look," and they ended up like this. So, basically, when evolution forgets you, the default shape is Beelzebub cock.
More proof that religion and science can coexist.
As for why the researchers who found this thing named it "pink" slug, despite it being redder than Che Guevara's heart, that's a mystery for the ages.
Nick is a law student who hopes that his writing career will save him from the courtroom.
Related Reading: It may be near Christmas, but these animals are already dressed up for Halloween. Although this one caterpillar's Voodoo mask is timeless. For a look at some Animal Rights campaigns who managed to screw over the animals, click here. Dolphin-safe tuna kills everything BUT dolphins. Not done with animals being adorable? Watch how they use our garbage.
Some adorable animals launch horrifying attacks on human beings, let this Cracked video reveal the terrible truth.