Even if you're the type of person who watches DVD special features, you have to admit that commentary tracks are generally pretty boring. Commentary tracks are two straight hours of people talking over a movie (which every sane human being automatically despises unless there are snarky robots involved), and for what? To hear Robert De Niro's opinion on the catering? To learn about the time Gwyneth Paltrow got lost on the way to the set and almost accidentally touched a black person? They're just not worth it. Not unless one of the filmmakers or actors snaps and has a mental breakdown right there on the tape ... which actually happens pretty frequently.
5Cannibal! The Musical: Trey Parker Still Isn't Over a Relationship That Ended 15 Years Ago
Cannibal! The Musical is a comedy created by Matt Stone and Trey Parker years before they hit major success with South Park. Given their candid nature and penchant for silly bullshit, you can probably guess that their commentaries are going to be almost as much fun as their movies ... especially when they open with a formal reading of their alcohol inventory.
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Sorry, popcorn; you're outta your league here.
But the South Park boys are but men, after all, and they get a little weepy when they drink.
The commentary quickly dissolves into a pity party for Parker, who caught his fiancee sleeping with an a cappella singer ... 15 years earlier.
Parker: I was engaged to this girl Liane ... and about a month before the wedding she decided to start sleeping with this guy in an a cappella group ... and I wrote this movie ... just so I could ridicule her, basically.
Yes, that's the same Liane that Cartman's slutty mother is named after on South Park. And Cannibal! The Musical is about a horse named Liane who leaves her owner. Hey, nobody said the man was subtle.
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It took six hours to convince him to even consider including hot pants.
The rest of the movie's commentary is predictable Parker and Stone shenanigans: They reminisce about the boom mike operator's boobs, speculate about going to a strip club once the recording is done, and ... wait, did Parker just bring up Liane again, out of absolutely nowhere?
Stone: You gave it the old Abraham Lincoln save ...
Parker: Because Liane wasn't really ... she was with a dirty fucking a cappella singer guy.
People keep trying to redirect him, but Parker won't hear of it.
Third Voice: Check out Matt and Ian in the background there, dude.
Stone: This is pretty sweet-
Parker: ... and now she's with the manager of Foley's. Ooh! Hi, I'm worth $7 million, and she's with the manager of Foley's! Whoops!
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"Plus, my dad could totally beat up her dad."
No bitterness there! Admittedly, this is pretty in line with Parker and Stone's sense of humor and may well be a bit they're doing. But something in his voice, that hurt little quaver ... we can't help but think that, after recording wrapped, Stone stripped to the waist and stood out in the rain screaming Liane's name until his nosy neighbors called the cops.