5 Movie Happy Endings That Are About to Go Horribly Wrong

#2. Goldfinger -- The U.S. Probably Nukes China

United Artists

The Happy Ending:

In this 1964 007 film from the Sean Connery era, globetrotting venereal disease farm James Bond foils the evil Auric Goldfinger's plot to nuke the American gold reserve at Fort Knox with the help of the Chinese government by heroically vacuuming the villain's fat ass through the window of a depressurizing jet cabin, then flies off into the sunset to have sex with a woman named Pussy Galore, because movies used to be hilarious.

United Artists
Way to equip your daughter for a totally normal life, Mr. and Mrs. Galore.

The Horrible Aftermath:

Except now the U.S. is almost certainly at war with China.

Remember when we said Goldfinger teamed up with the Chinese government to carry out his plan to nuke Fort Knox? The Chinese supplied the atomic bomb, along with a bunch of soldiers and the unstoppable behemoth Oddjob, who would subsequently be banned from every multiplayer game of GoldenEye. James Bond thwarts the plan by infiltrating Goldfinger's operation and alerting his CIA buddy Felix Leiter, who uses the U.S. Army to stage an elaborate trap for the Chinese when they enter Fort Knox with the bomb.

United Artists
Damn screenwatching terrorists.

This is another way of saying that the U.S. government catches a bunch of Chinese soldiers actively trying to commit an act of nuclear terrorism on American soil in the 1960s, a time when America was looking for any excuse it could find to vaporize a bunch of communists. That shit means war.

United Artists
"I like my martinis like my geopolitical climates: shaken."

Want proof? Check this out -- despite being a film series known for global intrigue and exotic locales, James Bond doesn't set foot in China, or even see a single Chinese person, until 30 years later in Tomorrow Never Dies (he does go to Hong Kong a few times, but it was still part of England back then, and it was presumably spared from America's plutonium wrath). That's just about enough time for a new generation to recover from the fallout (both political and radioactive) of a massive nuclear counterstrike. This also kind of explains why every Chinese person seemed to want to kill him in Skyfall.

#1. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 -- The Dementors Are Set Loose on the Population

Warner Bros. Pictures

The Happy Ending:

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 sees the titular boy wizard finally defeat his archnemesis Lord Voldemort and the majority of his Death Eaters, with a body count that rivals the end of Rambo III. The final installment in the film series that doubled as a charity for British character actors also has the ignominious distinction of ending with a shot of the principle cast terrifyingly aged with CGI wizardry to look like embittered community theater acting coaches:

Warner Bros. Pictures
Apparently makeup artists can handle fake children a lot better than fake adults.

The Horrible Aftermath:

Remember the Dementors, the soul-harvesting horror wraiths that traumatized a generation of young readers and moviegoers alike? And remember how they were hanging out at Hogwarts under Voldemort's command? With Voldemort out of the way, the Ministry of Magic in shambles, and the remaining good wizards struggling to pick up the pieces after that final apocalyptic battle, what's to stop them from doing whatever the hell they want?

Think about it -- Dementors can't be killed except by a very specific spell uttered by a seriously formidable wizard. The only reason they'd agreed to help Voldemort was because he promised them plenty of delicious, delicious souls once he'd burned Hogwarts to the ground. Now, with many of the powerful wizards killed or injured, and Voldemort way too dead to keep up his end of the bargain, why wouldn't the Dementors just mosey on over to the muggle world and kill every last person they find? There's literally nothing to hold them back.

Warner Bros. Pictures
"Partaaaaaaaay!"

One thing that remains consistent throughout the Harry Potter movies is the utter ineptitude of the Ministry of Magic (not to mention its wholesale corruption). They can't even protect their own people from Death Eaters, Dementors, and werewolves under normal circumstances, let alone anyone in the muggleverse. Are we supposed to believe that the wizarding world suddenly got their shit together after the Ministry of Magic was overthrown, Hogwarts was destroyed, and half of the wizards and witches on the planet got smoked during the fighting? The Dementors are going to mow through London like Meatloaf riding his motorcycle through a Shoney's buffet line.

Warner Bros. Pictures
"Glowing like the metal on the edge of a kniiiiiife!"


Follow Jacopo on Twitter to learn more about his upcoming novel, THE GREAT ABRAHAM LINCOLN POCKET WATCH CONSPIRACY.

Pop culture is a baffling animal. Some media or individuals become revered staples, while others become embarrassing or forgotten. In our first podcast of 2014, Soren and David Wong join Jack O'Brien to figure out why this happens. Be sure to download it here and subscribe to it here.

Always on the go but can't get enough of those sweet, sweet dick jokes? We have an Android app and iOS reader for you to pick from so you never miss another article.

Are you a fan of money, everlasting glory, but really just money? We want to give you that! (Particularly the money part.) Enter as many designs as you want into our T-shirt contest and you might just win $500.

Related Reading: The craziest endings are the ones that never hit theaters. Like the Scott Pilgrim original ending that had him dump Ramona's ass. We've got some more terrible implied endings for you: Metropolis will never recover from the last Superman movie. And if you'd prefer your happy endings revised for accuracy, just click here.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here

1,055 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!