#6. Chip & Dale 3
Someone in Russia seriously misunderstood the premise of Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers, the show about an adorable detective agency run by two chipmunks that foil the nefarious plans of an obese cat. It's not about GunSmokey the Bear and a mentally unstable former marine in a Fievel mask shooting down attack helicopters together.
Although, goddammit, it really should be.
Because the actual game gets it right for once, and follows through on all the crazy promises the cover makes: It's a crude mod of NES shooter Heavy Barrel, where Chip and Dale complete classic Rescue Rangers missions like "DESTROY ENEMY'S UNDERGROUND ARTILLERY BASE" using laser guns and flamethrowers. We don't know how the cuddly detectives laid their hands on such an arsenal. Maybe they were designed by their resident genius, Gadget Hackwrench, who in this game is presumably Minnie Mouse with crudely Photoshopped tits.
#5. Jackass: The Game
"Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and this is 'An Affront to God'!"
Apparently there was a Jackass video game, apparently it was desired enough that people wanted to pirate it, and apparently those people had a very low opinion of Kanye West. Or else the cast of Jackass was trying to escape a terrifying Dr. Moreau-esque island full of half-beast, half-rapper abominations.
Which ... actually sounds like a pretty good game, come to think of it.
#4. Bad Boys 2
This was also Will Smith's exact reaction after reading the reviews for After Earth.
Bad Boys 2, for those of you who didn't see it, was about Will Smith and Martin Lawrence recovering from the terrible spinal injuries of the first film's chase scene. That's why they're trying so very hard to do so very little, and having serious trouble holding their weapons -- physical therapy is a long and arduous process. Don't believe us? Well then explain the alternate cover:
"Actually, this is just how I masturbate."
#3. FBI Policeman
"No, stupid! You pull the badge, then shoot."
"Open up, it's the FBI Police! I'm Special Agent Detective Sargent Doctor Trenchcoat, and this is my partner The Right Honorable Professor Judge Captain Snake!"
... and then you notice that it's a sequel.
Hey, remember when Batman fought Nosferatu?
We intended that to be a joke setup, but hot damn if DC didn't actually beat us to it.
Is there anything Batman isn't about? Between him and The Simpsons, we're pretty sure all of the multiverse has been mapped.
#1. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
"Up in the sky -- it's a btird -- it's a ptlane -- it's Supermtan!"
For most of the world, Grand Theft Auto is about gangsters doing gangster stuff -- you know, like going bowling, doing yoga, and planning fun dates. In Syria, it's about thug life albino Superman, Zorro, Spider-Man, Batman, and the Mask brutally curb-stomping police officers. As far as we can tell, this is a real game, in the sense that someone dropped acid and modded San Andreas to reflect the things their DVD collection started screaming at them.
The sequel to San Andreas Super Heroes introduced an even more eclectic cast of characters, only two of which are actually superheroes. So, if you've always wanted to watch Jackie Chan murder a prostitute but aren't the blackmailers who currently hold that particular tape, this is the game for you:
"Featuring noted champion of the criminal lifestyle, the Punisher!"
Some of the many, many other bootleg GTA versions star Rambo, Michael Jackson (complete with moonwalk) and noted Egyptian comic actor Adel Emam, which makes about as much sense as dropping Peter Sellers into Halo. But for our money, nothing tops Kenya's Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas: Kirk Douglas.
"Joey, do you like games about felonious gladiators?"
That's it. Video games are over. Kenya won.
Raoni draws his power from beer and the tears of fanboys. You may follow him on Twitter here.
Related Reading: Down for some more bootlegs? Follow Adam Brown to the streets of New York City. Some video game piracy is just wildly unnecessary. Nobody needed a Titanic fighting game for the NES. For some of the most hilarious knock-off toys China has to offer, click here.