#2. The Pretty Little Poisonous Songbirds
Cute little songbirds are harmless, pretty, and oh-so-delicious. Bonus: They're totally defenseless if you actually manage to catch one.
They'll poop in your hands, but it's harmless.
Though rare and mostly confined to the mean streets of Papua New Guinea, poisonous songbirds exist, and they mean business. The pitohui and blue-capped ifrita literally coat themselves in poison, to the point where your hands go numb if you so much as touch one.
The pitohui and ifrita use batrachotoxin, one of the deadliest poisons in the world -- the same one used by the golden dart frog. Also like the dart frog, the birds obtain this poison from the prey they eat: the melyrid beetle. It takes a dozen or so beetles to properly fuel up the birdies for a hard day's work spent sitting plainly in the open and daring predators to eat them. Yep, these birds are brightly colored, are extremely easy to spot, and could not possibly care less. They don't dart. They don't hide. They just sing their pretty songs as loud as they can, right in the open, and brother, if you don't like it, what the hell are you gonna do about it?
#1. The Adorable Penguins That Will Jack You Up
Awwww, peng'ins! Lookit their widdle tuxedos; they think they're going to a fancy party. Peng'ins, you are the best at being peng'ins and everybody loves you.
Ooh, he's just a waddling mound of clumsy cool!
Adelie penguins may look the part, but they are neither cuddly nor wuddly. And they are not wearing those adorable little suits to crash a wedding; they just attend a lot of funerals. An Adelie penguin will straight fuck you up if you get too close. Look what a half dozen of them do to this poor penguin chick that was stupid enough to tread on rival territory:
But Adelie depravity doesn't begin and end with mere violence: They will also rape each other, jack off in public, commit necrophilia, and engage in prostitution.
Haha, what? Penguin prostitution? Do they trade beak jobs for fish?
Funny you should mention it ... Adelie penguins build their nests out of stone. To get these stones, they sometimes have to steal them from rival penguins. But, since we've already seen what happens when you start frontin' in penguin town, a safer alternative is for the mommy to give up her body in exchange for some precious stones.
National Wildlife Federation
Don't judge. She's just putting a roof over/around her kids' heads.
After years of careful study, experts can't figure out if this is high-class, wacky Julia Roberts whoring or gritty, heartrending Julia Minesci whoring, primarily because all penguins look like tiny fat gentlemen.
Just don't let the Adelie hear you talkin' that racist trash, or you'll come off the ice with beak-shaped scars, if you come off the ice at all.
Sativa Savant can be found putting the beat down at SoundCloud, putting videos on YouTube, and selling music on Bandcamp under the aliases Ancient Teknologi and Liquid Steal. Ryan Menezes is a writer and layout editor here at Cracked. He broke down and made a Twitter page just for his Cracked fans.
Want to know the real reason they don't want evolution taught in school? Watch this Cracked video.
Related Reading: You can blame the pain from getting kicked in the nuts on evolution too. It seems doubly insulting when you realize we were just one meteor strike away from being lizard people. Still aren't pissed at evolution? Look at these awesome creatures it ruined.