#2. Intimidating the Soviet Union With Enormous American Dicks
In the early 1950s, the CIA used weather balloons to smuggle propaganda past the Iron Curtain. Thousands and thousands of weather balloons stuffed with "communism blows" leaflets and forged currency drifted over the border into Eastern Europe. Over 500,000 in total, containing 300 million leaflets -- but for one CIA agent, that wasn't quite enough. One man dared to dream bigger ... about 8 inches bigger. His name was Frank Wisner, and he hatched a plan to convince the Soviet Union that all Americans have giant dicks.
Which, for our foreign readers, we should explain is absolutely and unquestionably true. But that's beside the point.
Justin Sullivan/Getty Images News/Getty Images
We cultivate large bellies in a futile attempt to shield our own eyes from the organ's staggering mass.
Wisner wanted to escalate the balloon campaign to include small baskets of "Made in the USA" goods. These would ostensibly be humanitarian aid, or serve as examples of the miracle of capitalism, but their true purpose was more sinister -- among the goods would be packets of jumbo extra-large condoms labeled "small" or "medium." The goal was to intimidate the Soviets by convincing them that all Americans had huge dongs (or possibly to reduce morale by convincing the Soviets that their li'l Reds were not so menacing after all).
Imagine the looks of terror among the peasants as they slid their floppy raincoats on and found them ill fitting, like the shed skin of some enormous red, white, and blue python. Put yourself in the shoes of the terrified East German border guard staring across the Berlin Wall, wondering if tonight was the night the enormously donged Yankees came to doodle his dandy. Picture the women, equal parts intrigued and frightened, knowing they should flee the inevitable fleshy tsunami, but too transfixed by the spectacle to do so.
Radio Free Europe
"If those are 'small,' what are large condoms? Perhaps the very balloons that brought the supplies?"
Thankfully, such a horrifying psychological H-bomb was never deployed. The idea never got past the planning stage, and the CIA obviously let Wisner go ...
Wait, no, they actually promoted him to a position where he controlled 75 percent of the agency's budget and was free to manipulate the U.S. media. You have to wonder: When, exactly, did this modern mass penile insecurity start? And was it suspiciously close to Wisner's hire date?
Not, uh ... not that we would know anything about that.
#1. Convincing Everyone That Richard Nixon Is Crazy (a Plan by Richard Nixon)
During the 1968 presidential election, Richard Nixon frequently hinted that he had a secret plan to end the war in Vietnam. He refused to release any details until he won office, when he gathered together his closest aides and began the lengthy process of unveiling his complex political strategy: He was going to pretend to be crazy.
Presumably at this point his excited aides asked "Great! What's next?" to which he replied, "Your mom." Because there wasn't a next step. That was it.
The so-called "madman theory" argued that if the enemy thought that Nixon was a dangerously unstable raving lunatic who might launch an unstoppable barrage of nukes if someone so much as farted in his general direction, the war would be over right away. According to Nixon himself:
We'll just slip them the word that, "For God's sake, you know Nixon is obsessed about communism. We can't restrain him when he's angry -- and he has his hand on the nuclear button" -- and Ho Chi Minh himself will be in Paris in two days begging for peace.
Henry Kissinger was extremely enthusiastic about the scheme, and the State Department quickly began putting out a ton of "Nixon is nuts" disinformation. Nixon even ordered the U.S. military onto a state of full nuclear alert -- which the U.S. people never noticed, but the Soviets sure did. The whole thing culminated in the Freudian nightmare subtly named Operation Giant Lance, which saw 18 B-52 bombers loaded with fully armed thermonuclear weapons take off and fly full-tilt toward the Soviet Union, then turn back ... and then go at it again. It was the paramilitary equivalent of pretending to punch someone, then laughing and giving them two for flinching. Only, you know, with the fate of the unburned world hanging on whether the Soviets flinched.
Related Reading: For a look at some insane conspiracies that actually happened, click here. You'll learn about the corporate plot to overthrow FDR during World War 2. If you still haven't had enough, why not check out the real conspiracies our forum members managed to dig up? If you're tired of reading, just ease back, click this link and learn about the deadliest conspiracy in history.
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