Statistically speaking, about 80 percent of you are either Christian or Jewish, and about 80 percent of you haven't read the Bible. That probably explains why the book has a reputation for being some nice stories about how you should stop cursing and/or masturbating.
In reality, the Bible is full of unbelievably dirty stories and one-liners about dongs, butts, and so, so much poop, many of which were censored out of the English version. That's right -- people couldn't resist toning things down even when translating the freaking Bible. But when you go back to the original text, you find things like ...
#6. King Rehoboam's Dick-Measuring Contest With His Dead Dad
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After King Solomon's death, the kingdom of Israel made like a baby and got split in two. It was a dark period for God's chosen people ... and it all started with a dick joke.
How's that? Well, in 1 Kings Chapter 12, Solomon's son Rehoboam takes the throne, and pretty much all of Israel comes to ask him to "Make the yoke which thy father did put upon us lighter." In other words: "Y'know how your dad liked to treat us like slaves? Can you, like, not do that so much?" The wise elders tell Rehoboam he should be a kinder ruler and win the hearts of the people, but he's having none of that sass.
An artist's representation of Rehoboam having none of that sass.
Instead, Rehoboam consults with "the young men who had grown up with him" (i.e., his frat bros), who advise him on how to handle the situation:
"... thus shalt thou say unto them, My little finger shall be thicker than my father's loins. And now whereas my father did lade you with a heavy yoke, I will add to your yoke: my father hath chastised you with whips, but I will chastise you with scorpions." (1 Kings 12:10-11, King James Version)
Yeah, we've all been there: You're shooting the shit with your drinking buddies, they persuade you to boast about the size of your dong, and Israel gets into a 17-year civil war. Now, some of you have rushed to your Bibles and found that your translation is the much tamer "My little finger shall be thicker than my father's waist," but that's apparently an incorrect translation -- or a less crude version, anyway. The same word is used elsewhere in the Bible to mean "penis." The message is clear: "My little finger is bigger than my dad's cock, so you can just imagine what I'm packing."
"I'm not sure how that 'whipping people with scorpions' thing works out, but BY GOD I WILL FIND A WAY."
In other words, Rehoboam's response to a plea for mercy was to initiate a posthumous dick-measuring contest with a king who was famously able to satisfy a harem of 1,000 women. And hey, speaking of Solomon's legendary privates ...
#5. Solomon Writes About His Boner
As we've told you time and again, just because you're one of the most respected people in history doesn't mean you can't also be a filthy pervert. Biblical figures are no exception -- take the wise old King Solomon, who not only wrote an entire book as a poetic ode to bonin', but somehow managed to slip the whole thing into the Old Testament.
"I'm gonna read you some Solomon" was the "Let's listen to Barry White" of the minus years.
We're talking about Song of Songs -- a book of poetry traditionally attributed to Solomon, presumably based on his own sexual adventures. With his harem of 700 wives and 300 concubines, this guy was pretty much the Old Testament's Teddy Roosevelt of sex-having. But the filthiest bit in the whole book is also probably the easiest to miss. If you take a look at Chapter 5, Verse 14, you'll see a poem written from the point of view of a woman describing her lover:
"His hands are disks of gold set with emerald. His chest is a block of ivory covered with sapphires." (Song of Songs 5:14, God's Word Translation)
However, there are two problems with this translation: 1) the word that was translated as "chest" is actually used for "belly," "loins," or any part of the lower human body, and 2) as you may know, ivory doesn't actually come in blocks -- it tends to be tusk-shaped. Now tell us this: What's a tusk-shaped body part that's covered with blue protrusions?
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Nobody likes a smartass.
Yeah, we're talking about a thick, veiny dick here. And if it's true that the women described in the book are Solomon's lovers, then it follows that the dudes are him. In other words, Solomon wrote an entire epic poem just to tell you about how awesome his penis was. No wonder his son felt so inadequate.
#4. Elijah Thinks Your God Is Probably Pooping
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A large chunk of the Old Testament is taken up by God trying to convince the people of Israel that Seriously, those idols you guys like worshiping so much? They're not real. Wake up, sheeple! In one of the more memorable instances, the prophet Elijah issues an ultimatum to the prophets of the pagan god Baal: If that guy's really a god, prove it. How? With explosions, of course:
"Let two bulls be given to us ... And you call upon the name of your god, and I will call upon the name of the Lord, and the God who answers by fire, he is God." (1 Kings 18:23-24, English Standard Version)
It was Jules' speech in case he ever had to duel anyone.
So, basically, both teams have to build an altar and offer a sacrifice, then wait for their respective deities to light 'em up -- fairly standard my-god-can-beat-up-your-god stuff. Naturally, Baal fails to show up to the party, and his prophets start getting exasperated, so they proceed to do whatever they can think of to elicit a response: they limp around, they cut themselves open with spears, but Baal does nothing.
And then Elijah gets bored and unleashes the sarcasm:
"And at noon Elijah mocked them, saying, 'Cry aloud, for he is a god. Either he is musing, or he is relieving himself, or he is on a journey, or perhaps he is asleep and must be awakened.'" (1 Kings 18:27, English Standard Version)
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"OH, FOR MY SAKES, who didn't refill the toilet paper?!"
Some versions interpret the "relieving himself" part as simply "he's busy" -- but no, it's "I bet your god hasn't shown up because he's taking a dump." The original Hebrew word is sig, which can mean "expulsion," defecation," or "bowel movement." Yep, Elijah is being about 900 percent more offensive toward those dudes' deity than Monty Python was of Jesus in Life of Brian.
Oh, and in case you're wondering, Elijah then proceeds to build his own altar and drench it in 12 buckets of water, and then God lights it up in an instant.
Old Testament God was less about "faith" and more about "burning shit".