6 Video Game Sex Scenes That Will Give You Nightmares

#3. Indigo Prophecy -- Awkward Zombie Humping


Indigo Prophecy is an "interactive film" (video game with lots of quick-time events) about Mayans and stuff. In the game, humanity is forced to move underground by an endless winter, which leads to the classic "we're boned, so let's bone" scene. We start with the emotionally damaged male and female protagonists shacked up in an especially romantic shipping container done up with rag curtains and a filthy mattress. Then this happens:

OK, we were wrong. This is the opposite of the uncanny valley.

OK, is that ... are they kissing? Yeah? Are we sure? Because this is how aliens would animate a making-out scene if all they had to work from were the descriptions of some 15th century monks. Anyway, the woman comments on how cold the guy's lips feel -- because, at this point in the game, he's technically dead. She's making out with a zombie. The worst part is that, rather than being put off, she says, "Your lips are like ice" with the intonation of an eager phone sex operator. We have no choice but to conclude that she has a corpse fetish.

"Just lie still and ... uh, try not to breathe so much."

Then she says "I love you, Lucas" as the screen fades to black. Well, that wasn't so bad, right? Except we're just getting started. The screen fades back to the two of them completely naked and moaning as they fuse their pixelated genitals on the bed in a scene as graphic as it is awkward.

Each pelvic thrust is marked with the "coin" sound effect from Mario.

Wait, weren't they freezing to death just now? Or more to death, anyway? If they had to go all nude, couldn't they at least do it under the covers? Then again, this place looks like a hobo recently used it as a ... everything, so we can understand why they wouldn't want to do that. Shortly after, the credits roll, and you're welcome to sit with your controller on your couch and ponder the depth and artistry of this game.

It's a metaphor for bad storytelling.

#2. Heavy Rain -- Awkward Foreplay Simulator

Sony Computer Entertainment

Heavy Rain was praised for its immersive gameplay, where your fingers essentially play a long game of Twister as a movie unfolds on your screen. One scene opens with two of the protagonists, Ethan and Madison, wallowing in misery: Ethan has just crawled through broken glass, cut off his own finger, and shot a dude in the face while he begged for mercy in his daughter's bedroom. The game wants you to feel the guilt, and the desperation, and the disgust. And now ... engage in the boning.

Sony Computer Entertainment
"Press triangle to ejaculate nervously and mumble an excuse."

Ethan doesn't seem to be as into this as he obviously should be, but he's not the God of this world. You are, and since you bought the game because of the mature themes, you're probably not going to skip out on the chance of boobies. So, as the characters start bumping faces Indigo Prophecy-style, you're told which buttons to press to make them undress each other.

Sony Computer Entertainment
The developers spent more time researching this scene than the rest of the game.

But don't worry, they'll still bone if you mess everything up, so there's no risk of this turning into your prom night (there's no "accidentally elbow her in the face," for one thing). After they're sufficiently unclothed, you're prompted to press a button to make Ethan neck Madison, which apparently causes her to start having a seizure:

Sony Computer Entertainment

Eventually, they end up having sex on the floor of the motel -- always a smarter choice than doing it on the motel bed, which is just an orgy displaced by time. But no one-night stand is complete without giving the player the opportunity to slink away in the middle of the night without so much as a motel continental breakfast: This time, your ability to press buttons on cue determines how cleanly Ethan makes his getaway.

Sony Computer Entertainment
"Oh, sorry, I was just stepping out for some hot coffee."

And finally, once you've hit it and quit it, you can take the time for some introspection with the game's "look at yourself in the mirror and think about what you've just done" simulator.

Sony Computer Entertainment
"Ugh, I should have gone square, circle, L1, shake controller sideways. Idiot."

#1. Dragon Age -- Accidental Public Boning

Electronic Arts

Dragon Age is a classic fantasy role playing game set in a deep and colorful world as unique as every other game that involves dwarves and elves ... except with more public boning, because this game has lots of it. The amount of boning you do here is at your discretion (just like real life), but you don't always get a say in the locale. Let's say, for instance, that you're resting by a campfire when you get invited to spend some private time inside someone else's tent:

Electronic Arts
"Or I could just help you pitch one of your own."

After a while, you realize that this is a game developer's idea of "flirting" and agree to raise your tent inside her tent. Or his tent. This game offers a variety of potential sexual matchups, even between different species, but to each their own. The problem is that, after so much tent talk, your dwarf with a braided beard and the elf dude you seduced (if we know our audience) will end up doing it right in the open:

Electronic Arts

Electronic Arts
"Just be glad there isn't a circus dwarf joining in too."

See those plants? Well, you shouldn't. In some cases you can even see the bonfire right behind the characters as they bump uglies. Then the love scene ends and you realize the horror -- as you two rolled around butt naked, the other members of your party were right there all along, presumably coughing loudly or glancing at their fresh bag of marshmallows with a look of frustrated disappointment.

Electronic Arts
"Uh, you guys want to roast some weenies or something?"
"No, thanks."

So now you have to go through the rest of the game mutually avoiding eye contact not only with your one-night stand, but with every other fellow warrior in your group who's supposed to have your back. That's how you get killed by dragons, people.

You can read more from Mark, and watch the sex scene he starred in for Grand Theft Auto V, at his website. Eric and his brother Kevin write about all of their virtual and meat world bone sessions at Donuts for Sharks.

Related Reading: Bad graphics and crudely animated breasts aren't the only sex-related problems in modern gaming, the entire hobby is riddled with more maladaptive eroticism than a bus full of sex offenders. Fortunately (or perhaps tragically) video games are about to get a lot more fuckable, starting with Microsoft's Kinect. If you're shamefully aroused after all that, why not take a look at these geeky sex toys followed by a cold, regretful shower.

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