#3. Nose-Picking, Snot-Eating, Sneezing
Nasophiles, as scientists choose to call them, are turned on by the sight, shape, and (bizarrely enough) thought of making love (somehow) to noses.
We know we should be grossed out, but we can't help but laugh at the thought of nasal, congested moaning.
There are basically two groups of nose enthusiasts. The first is those who are turned on by the shapes and sizes of noses and nostrils. This group gets off on watching weird videos of human noses transforming into noses of animals and other weird objects, and of fondling noses. Like this:
The second group gets turned on by watching people sneezing or picking and/or eating snot out of their noses. Here, let's let one enthusiast describe it in his own words:
"Ever since I can remember I have been turned on by seeing/watching a girl or woman pick their nose. It started sometime in my teens. I would see the occasional lady in a car or a girl at school pick and I would get a quick erection.
"As I grew older I thought it would be great to marry a lovely woman that picked her nose. I remember when I was dating my wife, I caught one of her roommates picking her nose. I thought, Wow, if my girlfriend would only pick. Well, we ended up getting married, and it finally happened. It was on a Sunday afternoon and we were taking a nap. She woke up before me and started to read a book. I woke up and didn't move but opened an eye and looked over and there she was picking away! It gave me an instant erection."
"Who needs the strip club? I get all the action I want right here."
And then there are the sneeze aficionados. For them, the unrestrained release of energy that occurs during a sneeze, as well as the facial expression that goes with it, turns them on to no end. Oddly, this is the one that's easiest to get -- the involuntary spasm and release of fluid is physiologically like a mini orgasm (and sneezes do trigger orgasms in some women -- Google it!).
It certainly would make a head cold more entertaining.
Sneeze fetishists are a truly picky bunch, so not every type of sneeze will do. Some prefer the dry sneezes triggered by allergies, while others are turned on exclusively by the heavy sneeze associated with a cold. According to some, the sensation right before the act of sneezing is almost like foreplay, grabbing the tissue is likened to taking out your condom, and the act of cleaning yourself up after the sneeze is absolutely like cleaning up after sex.
Sample YouTube Comment:
kan u keep makin these bekuz they r sooo much better than havin to skip from vid to vid thnx
So there appears to be a whole range of fetishes based entirely on things that would kill the mood for someone else -- somebody blowing gross snot out of their nose, dying horribly in the jungle, etc. It's like that's the point -- how crazily removed these things are from traditional turn-ons. For instance, when you think of knitting or wool, you picture grandmothers in rocking chairs making adorable hats and sweaters for their grandchildren. And sure enough, there are guys who find that unspeakably erotic.
Footie pajamas are not as erotic as you seem to think they are.
The wool fetish community is a close-knit one (ha!), and they prefer to call themselves "woolies." Woolies are really big on the quality of the fabric used to knit the wool. It cannot be just any wool off the streets -- nothing but the best will do. But that makes sense if you're encasing your entire goddamned body in it:
Hope you get turned on by static cling.
The fetish can range from women just preferring to wear turtleneck sweaters to people being completely encased in wool outfits to people who practice "mummification," which is where they will completely wrap themselves -- particularly their heads -- in wool blankets. Which you'd think would make it somewhat difficult to breathe and live and so on, but since when has that stopped anybody?
And in case you're wondering, yes, you can find "wool condoms" that helpfully note that they cannot be used as a form of birth control. What? Why not?
Sample YouTube Comment:
i can understand loving wool but wouldnt that get hot?
#1. Human Furniture
This fetish is known as forniphilia, and it involves tying up your significant other and using them as a piece of furniture for hours on end. Pretty straightforward, really.
There's no way that can be good for your back.
On one hand, we totally get role-playing -- half of the people you know have probably played a nice round of "sexy firefighter rescues sexy French maid" as a prelude to vigorous porking. And lots of people enjoy role play that involves submission or domination, 50 Shades-style. But it seems like the role-playing lacks some of the thrill when one of the partners is playing the role of an inanimate object.
"Now sit by me and read a book for, like, an hour ... yeah ... that's HOT."
But maybe that's part of it -- it's a form of bondage and/or S&M where people "punish" their mate by making them pose for long periods of time as things like coat racks or even ironing boards. (Helpful hint from a forniphiliac: Set your iron to the "low" setting if you want your slave to get a warm massage, or to "max" if you're sadistic.) Here is an account of someone who enjoys being human furniture (spelling and grammar corrected):
"Being human furniture at a party for ladies can be quite amusing. I once was a chair on all fours and the ladies used me as their seat. It is not very hard, even if two ladies sit on my back, but in this position, which is quite convenient, I could watch the whole party and all the ladies, although I mostly could see only their legs and feet.
"A little more uncomfortable is being a footstool under the table because in this position I could see nothing but feet. A series of women were placing their feet on my back and even my neck, and some wanted to have their feet kissed. I only could see feet and not the person. But it is a nice kick, and women seem to love it."
Sample YouTube Comment:
I wish I could be the one to get kicked like that.
Related Reading: We've been depraved sickos for a while. Did you know tentacle rape dates back to the 18th century? And if you think quicksand is an impractical fetish, wait'll you see car-fucking. Some fetishes make a surprising amount of sense, though: obsessing over feet is most common during massive STD outbreaks.
Nobody has an owl fetish, because owls are incredibly dumb.