The Internet has been a miracle for sex fetishists, not just because of the availability of porn in their specific category, but because of how it has broadened everybody's horizons. No matter how weird your turn-ons are, there is always somebody out there into weirder shit.
And as we've pointed out before, there are some people who enjoy fetishes so far removed from the concept of sex that they don't bear to be mentioned together in the same sentence. These are fully clothed, non-sexual images and videos that still serve as wank material for vast audiences of otherwise normal people. So here's a tribute to those who get off on ...
#6. Girls Stuck in Quicksand
This is a perfect example of a nearly "safe for work" fetish -- it requires no nudity or sex, and it in fact involves a situation in which sex would be utterly impossible. It's people who get aroused at the sight of fully clothed women sinking in quicksand:
Via Yahoo Groups
Often conveyed with top-of-the-line Photoshops.
A cursory search online would reveal tons of sites dedicated to compiling clips from various sources of girls drowning in quicksand, and then there are the niche video sites dedicated to providing original content (there probably is a booming industry in quicksand pit installation these days). On those sites, elaborate storylines are created to justify how these lovely ladies came to be trapped in the unforgiving, bottomless pit of certain-yet-sexy death.
It starts with the cable guy showing up to fix her box and ends with him pulling her to safety with a length of co-ax.
So ... maybe the quicksand thing triggers some "damsel in distress" response in the brain's boner cortex? If there's anything lonely Internet tough guys love, it's sitting behind their keyboards visualizing all the many ways they would totally jump in and save the unfortunate lady fake drowning in a boggy marsh. But the fact that they're jerking off to the "trapped and terrified" part, rather than the sexy rescue, really puts a darker spin on the whole thing. We'd prefer not to think any more about it.
We prefer our mud with a lot more "wrestle."
Although we should note how many people on YouTube keep asking if the women in the quicksand actually drowned in the videos.
Sample YouTube Comment:
close your eyes and let your mind do the rest
#5. Girls Licking Doorknobs
Japan's perversity is one of the longest running jokes on the Internet, but the explanation behind it is fairly straightforward: Japanese porn censorship laws are some of the most draconian out there, and they simply force people to be more creative about what they masturbate to. And, as anybody with a porn addiction can tell you, in order to keep things fresh, you have to get a bit weird. Japan, always on the cutting edge of innovation, simply took this idea and ran with it all the way to Planet Dick Tentacle, which brings us to these images of girls licking doorknobs.
Let my love open the door.
Now, let's be clear: Men (and presumably some women) get turned on by the sight of females licking anything. The curse of being a woman is knowing that you can't eat an ice cream cone or a banana in public without several nearby males achieving a state of semi-arousal. But ... doorknobs? You don't have to be a germaphobe to know that these are the filthiest surfaces in your entire house, the toilet included. Is that the turn-on here? That the women are made to lick something crawling with more bacteria than a Taco Bell? Is it just supposed to be degrading?
But again, absolutely no nudity of any kind is involved in the doorknob fetish, although they do mix it up from time to time: There are images of girls in glasses licking doorknobs, girls in school uniforms licking doorknobs surrounded by candy, and so on.
Oh, like you've never gotten funky fresh on a pile of tennis balls.
The trend is a fairly big deal in Japan, even getting featured on national television. The closest we can figure is that the audience is imagining the woman kneeling down to perform oral sex on a robot, who has shoved his metal dick through the door.
Robots have all the fun.
Here's a slideshow featuring a nice variety of doorknob lickers, although some of these women seem reluctant to fully commit (there seem to be a lot of closed mouths and tongues that are almost touching the knob, glancing off screen as if to say, "Really?").
Sample YouTube Comment:
WTF serously,,, Why am I HARD from that!
#4. Inflatable Rubber Suits
Remember the scene in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory where Violet Beauregarde eats some forbidden candy and blows up like a balloon? And then they have to just roll her out of the room? Well, apparently some people can't watch that scene without becoming inexplicably aroused.
This fetish is pretty similar to balloon fetishes, or maybe it's the opposite, because instead of popping the balloon, you are the balloon.
You can't see the boner, but you know it's there.
Researchers have yet to determine what exactly it is about inflatable rubber suits getting filled with air that turns people on, but we have to admit that putting one of those on and just bouncing around would be fun as hell. It'd be kind of like the animals in this video:
The suits are often double-layered and designed in such a way that the outer layer gets filled with air and expands, while the second suit compresses and squeezes against the unfortunate (or fortunate, we guess) person enclosed within. So maybe that's it? It's like a full-body air massage? Either way, thanks to the Internet, we know there are a whole bunch of people who are into it:
We can't imagine why the Gimp never made it into the regular Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon lineup.
And since there is no fetish that can't be made more alarming with the addition of furries, sure enough there are inflatable suits made to look like cows, raccoons, and even dragons.
We literally can't figure out what all of those body parts are supposed to be.
Inflatable suits are quite expensive, but the guys on this forum are helpful enough to provide DIY tips on how to build your very own personal sex blimp. Now, if one of these springs a leak, do you go zipping around the room making that farting sound?
Sample YouTube Comment:
The tail doesn't inflate?