#2. Playing Two-Player Games Solo
Everyone knew that one kid who was so good at Street Fighter that your first move might as well have been putting the controller down and crying. Now imagine you are that kid. You don't have anyone to play against because they've all unfairly declared you to be cheap and run off to play on the trampoline instead. Your only option is to play with yourself. No, not like that -- you plug in two arcade sticks and use them both. We're talking about children here, deviant.
Street Fighter III superfan Desk is as good at the game as is he bad at picking pseudonyms. In this video, he's actually inputting commands for both characters at the same time, pulling off moves with one hand we couldn't do with two.
He can also cyberbully himself between rounds to build character.
Apparently, playing a game meant for two people by yourself isn't as rare as you'd think. Below is a video of a dude playing the shoot 'em up Ikaruga in co-op mode. It's sometimes referred to as a "bullet hell" game. Two guesses as to why.
And remember that Tetris game from earlier? Here's a guy taking on a co-op variant. Sadly, he doesn't reach the invisible stage, because that would break the code of the simulation running our universe and we'd all have to reboot.
Here's a guy playing Beatmania against himself. Beatmania is kind of like playing the piano, if your piano hated you and was actively trying to give you a seizure.
Dang -- we haven't seen hands move so quickly to accomplish so little since the first time we got to second base.
Oh, don't act surprised. You knew we were only accusing you of sexual deviance to take the heat off ourselves.
#1. Freestyle Dance Dance Revolution
Dance Dance Revolution is a game where the emotion and passion of dancing is replaced by authoritarian arrows and stiff, rigid movements dictated by an unfeeling machine.
This is the face of oppression.
It's like Guitar Hero for your feet, except that sometimes DDR can also be played with dance moves that are usually reserved for saving the local community center. Welcome to freestyle DDR, where people stop listening to the machine and start listening to the beat.
We already nailed the tagline for you, Hollywood.
In freestyle DDR tournaments, gamers must complete an in-game song while creating a separate dance routine above and beyond mere gameplay. Points are awarded for creativity and flair, so, like you see above, dancers will swap places, leap off of the game board, and occasionally, almost accidentally, teach an uptight rich girl to love again. And they do it all without looking at the screen, because they've long ago memorized the timing and steps to a video game dance, using the part of the brain normally reserved for remembering the birthdays of loved ones.
Things get even crazier when people highlander their partner to absorb their dance potential, giving them access to two dance mats, which they play on at the same time:
"WELCOME TO JAPAN. TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF, CAUSE THIS IS MY HOUSE."
At least that kid gets gasps of awe and hopefully some confusing make-out time in the Cruis'n USA cabinet. Meanwhile, this poor kid in Thailand nails his own sick routine and is rewarded with nothing but scattered applause and a collective stare of judgment.
"Are you not enDDRtained!?!"
Damn ... tough crowd. Seriously, if we saw someone play two games of DDR at once while flipping upside down, our high-fives would probably shatter his arm, no matter how lame this sentence sounds now that we think about it.
Karl Smallwood is a freelance writer. You can contact him or see what else he's written by checking out his Twitter. Or see what he looks like by checking out his Facebook. Ryan Menezes is a writer and layout editor here at Cracked. Follow him on Twitter.
Related Reading: Speaking of video games, did you know the best ones are hand-crafted for addictiveness? For acts of gaming dickishness that bordered on art, click here and behold the story of Fansy the Bard. But gaming can have non-virtual consequences too. Just ask these people who saved lives thanks to playing video games.